I am self-sabotaging my relationship

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25-03-18, 11:11 PM
lm0905

I am self-sabotaging my relationship

I have posted here before, but this post is probably my more 'serious'/time sensitive posts.

I've been with my BF for over a year and we have both discussed that we see each other in our respective futures. But this might be compromised if I don't figure my stuff out.

For the past 6 months, I've been jobless and have been applying and interviewing for many jobs. Clearly it hasn't been successful since I am still unemployed. Because of this, I have been hanging around my boyfriend about every day of the week.
Since then, it has started to annoy my boyfriend that since I am over his house all.the.time, he barely has time to see his best friend anymore

We used to literally never argue, but for the past month or so, we've had at least one or two arguments every couple of weeks or so.

And I know that they are all my fault. I can sometimes not be a mature person, I'll just blurt the first thing that comes to my mind as opposed to just waiting, taking a breath, and then think about wanting to say before I've said it. This has happened many times where it really is starting to annoy my boyfriend.

I also am pretty one-dimensional where I don't have much to contribute to conversations, like anything of 'substance'. I typically like to tell the same joke or stories over and over again until my boyfriend calls me out for it.

It all came to head yesterday after we went to the gym together, and I was talking about some job I applied to but some of the reviews I saw of the company online weren't good and BF just blew up. BF told me that he is so tired of hearing all my excuses about different companies and why if they are not perfect, I shouldn't apply there.

I might have reacted not-so maturely by giving him a dirty look and then BF went on and said how I'm acting really immature lately and I need to cut it out because it's getting really annoying. He said that he's tired of having one-dimensional conversations with me where he feels like we can't really talk about anything deep because most of what I talk about with him is stuff I find on reddit.
BF also said to me that as this relationship is getting more serious, I should grow with it. But I've become pretty stagnant.

I could just tell that if I don't get my shit together (and don't get me wrong, I want to change), then this relationship isn't gonna last much longer.
I know he still wants to be with me and work it out, and I also know that the ball is in my court.

I feel like I am self-sabotaging this relationship and I don't want to. I know I need to grow up and mature and not be so impulsive.

I am going to start seeing a therapist this week that helps with personal growth and personal problems. But is there anything else I can do to help myself? I obviously don't want my relationship to end.
25-03-18, 11:31 PM
bunnyhabit

give your boyfriend some space to socialize with others. get some other friends to absorb your time and give you other things to discuss with your man. therapy is a a excellent idea for you. guys hate clingy whiny girls. they enjoy sexy cuddling lovers. i noticed you did not mention any sexual activities so this may be the cause of his frustration with you just babbling about your problems.
26-03-18, 05:03 PM
bulrush

Sorry OP but it sounds like you need a kick in the pants so here it goes.

Quote:

I have been hanging around my boyfriend about every day of the week.
Since then, it has started to annoy my boyfriend that since I am over his house all.the.time,

Yeah. Younger people like to hang out with their best friends a lot. You must get used to this. You are not the center of his universe although he may care for you a lot. "Absence makes the heart grow fonder" really applies here. Stop going over there. Only go over 1-2 days per week. And get some hobbies. Don't become the clinger girl, or you will lose him for sure.

Once you start letting emotions determine your actions he will dump you. No one likes a clingy SO. It's super unattractive. I like spending time with my wife, but I like spending quiet time. So we have to compromise about how and when we spend time together.

Quote:

but for the past month or so, we've had at least one or two arguments every couple of weeks or so.

This is because you two spend too much time together and he is probably missing his friends.

Quote:

It all came to head yesterday after we went to the gym together, and I was talking about some job I applied to but some of the reviews I saw of the company online weren't good and BF just blew up. BF told me that he is so tired of hearing all my excuses about different companies and why if they are not perfect, I shouldn't apply there.

Yep, lots of Millennials make all kinds of excuses for not doing this or that and they immediately believe fake news without getting the other side of the story. Who did the reviews? Why did the company get bad reviews? Did you even bother to ask these questions? Millennials are also well-known for exaggerating and taking things way out of context. And they also hate when someone calls them on their immaturity and game-playing and victim culture. It always seems to be someone else's fault with these people. When one has that attitude, one will always fail.

Quote:

I might have reacted not-so maturely by giving him a dirty look and then BF went on and said how I'm acting really immature lately

Quote:

BF also said to me that as this relationship is getting more serious, I should grow with it. But I've become pretty stagnant.

Well I think that is his opinion of how the relationship should go, but he's not wrong either. Look on the bright side, you are being brutally honest with yourself and us. That's a plus. Without complete honesty about yourself there will be no personal growth.

Quote:

I could just tell that if I don't get my shit together (and don't get me wrong, I want to change), then this relationship isn't gonna last much longer.

You are right. But wanting to change doesn't count. Only results count. Just like in real life.

And yes, there was no mention of sex. Lack of sex is a reason to dump someone. If there is no sex and no intimacy, he won't stay. The top 3 reasons couples break up are differences in: sex, kids, finances. When someone doesn't get enough sex, that is a HUGE, very serious incompatibility.
28-03-18, 12:13 AM
TheEvilJester

I agree with a lot of what bulrush had to say. I think there may be only one place where I differ slightly. I definitely DO agree that a good relationship should allow plenty of time for you two to be together as well as some time apart now and then as well. It can be unhealthy for a relationship if you NEVER get time apart. ...BUT.... I don't necessarily agree that you being at his place every day should be part of the problem. I mean, is not an inevitable goal of a relationship that it should become more serious, you should eventually want to live together, you should eventually want to get married? So, is it not a good test of that to spend as much time together as possible to ensure you actually CAN stand to live together? ...Again, though, that doesn't mean you have to spend every single waking moment together. Just as you'd need time for friends/solo time even if you were married.

Anyway, I do think it is a great start that you acknowledge your own mistakes. You might be surprised how many people just refuse to ever admit they could be part of the problem. It is also awesome that you are taking action be seeking out therapy. Definitely great to realize your own faults and try to work to better them. At the same time, though, don't blame yourself 100% without at least seriously looking at the situation. Because he may not be 100% innocent either. ...And maybe he is, I don't know. I'm just saying, he shouldn't just get a free ride unless he truly is completely innocent. I will say this... for starters it isn't necessarily the best course of action for him to clam up for so long that he winds up blowing up at you. Would have been much more constructive to talk to you about this rather than waiting until he'd hit a breaking point and basically yelling at you.

All that said, I do think it sounds like there are some things you are doing that are, as you put it, self-sabotaging. But, it sounds like you are aware of that and are trying to fix that. So, good for you and best of luck in that. As far as your job search, believe me I understand it can be hard and nerve-wracking. You don't want to wind up with the wrong company only to be trapped in a bad situation or even just wind up without a job all over again. But, you have to take any supposed "bad reviews" you hear/read with a grain of salt. Granted, if there are enough people making the same complaints, and/or the complaints are terrible ENOUGH, maybe that is a sign to skip that company.... BUT if you just believe every bad thing you read about a company you'd basically NEVER apply anywhere. You'll find some people complaining about just about any company. Just like people, no place of business is perfect.

Good luck to you.