Hazardous Love? Now Baby Involved. HELP!
Ok, ladies...I want some honest opinions. My ex-fiance lives in Israel (i'm in the united states). I love her dearly, and she says she loves me. Our relationship was very close to being co-dependant. I relied on her for everything when we lived in Israel, because I didn't speak the language, and was unsuccessful in getting a work visa. SO, my feelings of inadequacy grew, but I continued to fight them back and try to be a good boyfriend/fiance and find a way. Our relationship rapidly deteriorated. We began to argue, she broke up with me on several occasions and told me to "go back home." I was heart broken, I yelled and broke things, and called her more than a few bad names. We made up, had amazing sex, but the cycle continued. I felt like I was constantly in "trouble" with her, or constantly having to "prove myself" to make up for past mistakes that she was unwilling to forgive. The fights grew worse, on a few occasions she became unusually violent with me...I received apologies and I forgave readily, and fell back into our relationship. Before I'd had enough and left Israel and came home to the states...we had a fight, she scratched the shit out of my arms, neck, pulled my hair...it was CRAZY. I was actually for once feeling flat out like a victim. She locked the doors and windows, wouldn't let me go, and I just took it until her sister arrived and I left with her and spent the night away from the woman I was obsessed with for the 1st time since we met 5 months earlier. It was difficult, but peace began to set in. I remembered in our relationship, at first things seemed wonderful, she is very bright, sensitive, caring. But as our fights grew worse, she went to her friends (who naturally took her side) and I kept silent...alienating myself from my friends and family. Deep feelings of loneliness set in. I attempted to express this to my fiance, which lead to fights, and a full circle. She had a support system, I had alcohol and a false sense of machismo. I've received numerous apologies for the physical violence...and I have forgiven her. Now she tells me that she is pregnant with my baby. She seems so wonderful from the outside. Everyone loves her, guys are nearly tripping over themselves to ask her out on dates. She's beautiful, she appears happy and centered in life, not full of herself but confident. She seems to have a heart of gold, wanting to help her friends...giving advice, etc. She tells me she loves me, and cannot kiss another man because of the way she feels. Something tells me that I can trust her...but I'm very guarded. I've forgiven her, but I refuse to go back to the cycle. Something must change. She wants me to be in our baby's life. I want a happy, stable, safe family to raise my daughter and new baby in. It's possible I can get a work visa and return to Israel. I want to be there for our baby...and I want to see if she has changed. I don't know what I SHOULD do. I'm stuck on the inside and need outside EYES to maybe catch something I am ignoring. Any advice from the women's side of things? Any experience with abuse, or being abusive and stopping oneself? What questions should I be asking myself?
