So-long Felicity

It started out with a letter, a question and a horror movie.
The perfect recipe for disaster.

Howdy folks,
Yesterday I ended a very long one-sided relationship with the most precious person in my life. I'm writing this not to ask for advice or anything really, I just want to share this with someone and maybe through my experience give advice to you instead, even if it may be an advice for one in a million.

It started out during the summer of 2005, after I had just finished 9th grade. I've liked Felicity since we were in 2nd grade at school , she knew back then that I liked her, but we were just children, so it didn't matter. When we were to start 6th grade, she moved schools, so I didn't see her at all after that. I was always a scaredy-cat and tried avoiding girls at all costs, but I thought, if it's her - I'll do it, I'll ask her out no matter what it takes. I wrote her a letter, that's when it all started. A year after we became kind of something like pen-pals, I said I wanted to meet her and asked if she would like to see a movie with me. It was a horror movie and although she said she likes horror movies, she was terrified at the end. To me that was my first date, which didn't really go that well, but it was a date none the less and I thought I was on the way to something grand in my life.
To me, every minute spent chatting with her, every second spent together with her was pure happiness. We were just kids back then, but even now I think, those may have been the happiest moments of my life. Though, like in some song I heard, "I knew this dream wouldn't last". When I asked her on what does she think about Us, she could only shake her head and apologize, that nothing will come of it. She saw me as a friend, someone she could hang out with, someone she could trust her secrets with, but not as someone who she would like to share her happiness with.
After that, I made the largest mistake of my life, instead of just chopping the snakes head off, I accepted the poison as the snake bit me. I should have broken it all off with her, right then and there, but she was someone so very dear to me, that I couldn't let go, even after being rejected. The song had a follow up - "But still, this is my choice".
I asked her if we can remain friends, because I was afraid of hurting her, never had the thought cross my mind that later it would come to this.. The so called "friendship" was the most agonizing pain I could ever have imagined. Spending time with someone and giving her your best, while keeping yourself in control to not overstep the boundaries of "friendship". So many times I wanted to hold her hand, so many times I wanted to kiss her, to hold her in my arms and tell how much I love her. She was everything I could have ever wanted my other half to be like.
We were not together, so she held no obligation to me and I knew that she will eventually find someone to be together with. A while later, we drifted apart for a while and during that time she found her significant other. Needless to say, even though I knew that it will eventually happen, I was so envious. When we met and she told me she was in love I felt jealous, but I was also happy for her. They weren't a perfect couple, they had quarrels, but after I heard her complaints about the guy, I could only ask one question - Why did she choose him, instead of me? I have never thought highly of myself, but I was so much better than him!
For a while things were quiet and I felt like I was moving on. Things weren't going great, but it wasn't mundane. Then, this summer came..
Felicity was starting to have huge problems with her boyfriend and I guess she wanted someone to be there for her, to listen to her, to give her advice. There I was, In all of my glory, knowing the inevitable outcome - falling for her yet again, knowing that I will get hurt in the end.
Eventually they broke up as I had thought they would. I heard all of it, I knew she was hurting and I wanted to comfort her and so I did. We started chatting often, were going to places, meeting people even some of my friends. We were having fun, at least I was. But even though she was vulnerable, I didn't take advantage of her, I would never do that, I'm too prideful for that. Instead I wanted her to open the door for me, to give me an "OK" sign. But that never happened. Though small things these may have been, she kept reminding me that we were friends, but the truth is, I never thought of her that way. To me she has and always will be my angel, my most precious person. But I knew I was on the brink of losing my sanity, I couldn't take it anymore, I wanted to be with her so badly, that I would turn this world upside-down if I had to. Every evening before sleep, I couldn't stop thinking about her. The obsession with her that I had back when we were kids evidently returned. So I made up my mind, if this skewed bridge cannot be crossed, I shall burn it. Too many people have died trying to cross it, so if the bridge is there no more, at least no one will try to get to the other side..
And that is what I did. I told her how I felt about her, how I have always felt, what I wanted and that as things stand - we cannot be friends anymore. It had become too painful for me to stay like this. I probably could have endured and kept things the way they were, but what would happen if I met someone. Would I be able to give her my 100%? I don't know, I don't think I could, because if Felicity was there, I would still always hope that she would one day open the door for me. I'm a fool like that.
Yesterday it all ended, I thought I would be able to breathe more freely without her there within my grasp, but such is not the case. I'm a terrible person, because I've hurt the person that I care for the most in my life. I spent the whole day thinking about what I said and wished I could take those words back. No doubt I will think that tomorrow as well. There is no way I will ask her to let me become her friend again, she now knows what's up, she would never accept my request if I'd ask. And that's a good thing, that's why I ended it, to not see her ever again.
It feels great to know that I will never have to worry about this "spark" again, but it feels like in the place of my heart, where the folly of hope lied, someone punched a huge hole inside and it hurts while it's bleeding, weeping my hopes and dreams away.

Moral of the story kids, if you get rejected by someone you care for, don't hold on to it, but instead move along. The pain and sorrow now will spare you agony and despair later.

Thank you for reading.

Thank you for sharing your story, along with your hurt and your pain. I am going through a situation where I am torn to whether I should remain friends or continue on. It hurts, knowing that the one person who you care for so much, will be gone from your life. But again, it's not fair to you to suffer and hurt every single day. Thank you, again, for sharing. I hope that one day you will find a spark with someone who can return that love to you.

You have my sympathies as I've had a similar situation. It is best to move on rather and trying to hang onto something that isn't there. it will take time but you'll come to realise you made the right decision.

Everyone goes thru it at one point or another, but we have to be strong and know we will be loved and love again.

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:emot101:

Sorry you are in pain over telling her your true feelings, but it is better for you to lay it out there and have some kind of closure about it. Hope you feel better soon.

Feel better man, I know it's hard and you're honestly a lot stronger than I am. When my girl and I went through a lot of troubles and almost broke up it was like my other half was being torn from me. I hope your pain is short lived because it is truly the WORST!

As yourself said, you have developed an obsession. The good thing is you are sober enough to realize of it and in my opinion you did the right thing to cut off the friendship. As you know you have a hard pat ahead. But you have started the healing path now.
Good luck with it my friend. You are a brave guy.