Unable to have intercoarse

Okay.. I'm really going to lay out some personal stuff here.

Back in 2008, I had colon cancer and due to the operation, I was left with a lot of scar tissue that makes it extremely painful for me to have intercourse. My husband is ten years younger than I am and has a very strong libido.

Also, I suffer from depression and the meds I take lower my own sexual libido. One night I went snooping in his mail (yes, shame on me) and found he had been on an adult site looking for a FWB.

He will make me feel guilty and even say he will look elsewhere when I reject his advances. I know sex is important in a relationship but, is it more important than love and respect? Does he have the right to look elsewhere because I cannot provide for him?

Can you try to have sex in other ways, positions that wouldn't be as painful for you? Or have exhausted all options?

Oh, don't like he is online looking for fwb or outside sexual relationships -did you let him know you know what he is up to?

No, he promised you to be faithful in vows of marriage, so doesn't have the right, IMO. Plus what if you allowed it and it led to him falling in love with the fwb, sex surrogate etcs and left you for them? Him doing anything outside of your marriage will never benefit you, only him.

Go to your doctor and see if there is a solution. Hormone cream can thicken the skin to add more comfort.

BUT are you sure that is the actual reason he is doing this? Maybe he's generally unhappy in his marriage.

Happy you are cancer free, Snow White. Sorry though about the after-effects of the treatment and what it is causing to happen within your marriage. I would definitely let your husband know, you know and have a full talk on what is allowed and expected in your marriage and where you draw the line. Which is the bigger issue for you the pain or the lowered libido off the depression meds? Can you change depression meds, or taper off?

(Disclaimer: Sorry.... This one is going to be long. LOL! I have a lot to say on this one.)

Well... let me start off by saying I am SO sorry to hear all of that. I hope you are able to find a way to make it work. I am, however, VERY happy to hear you survived it. Dude! You are a WARRIOR! Don't you forget that.

I know how depression feels. I know how much it sucks. I know how much it can feel hopeless sometimes. It is NOT hopeless. I know that can be impossible to believe sometimes, but you CAN find a way out of it.

Now, moving on to your actual question here...

I will have to admit that I am not the best person to comment on this. I'm not like most guys. If I had a woman in my life, I loved her deeply, she loved me deeply... sex would be nice, but would be icing on the cake, so to speak. If she suddenly could not have sex.... we'd deal. I like sex just as much as anybody.... but I don't REQUIRE it. As long as I know it isn't because she wants sex but just doesn't want it with ME.... as long as I know our love is true, real, pure, and that she just can't have/doesn't want sex with anybody, that would be enough for me. Truth be told, it means more to me having somebody to hold, to talk to, to share our lives together. So, if you were talking to me it would be a no-brainer that he is wrong....

Here's the thing, though. I'm not normal by any stretch of the imagination. Most guys do need sex. It's almost like a basic biological need for them. Do I think men/our society exaggerate that to some degree? Absolutely.... but I do think there is SOME truth to it. Sex and sexual compatibility is an important aspect of a relationship.

Even so.... what he's done is still wrong. It would be one thing if you two have talked about it. If you've tried everything and your situation just isn't likely to change.... and you two agreed that he could do this under certain terms.... then that's a whole different story. But the very fact that he's done this behind your back ruins a lot of the sympathy I MAYBE could have had for him.

Largely in part because his actions, whether it is his intention or not, projects the attitude that it is somehow your fault. It isn't like you are just withholding sex from him. You have legitimate reasons for not being able to do it right now. It isn't within your control. I don't know if and/or how much you two have talked about this, tried to work on it, etc. But, to me cheating is cheating no matter what justification you may think you have. If he's getting to a point where this doesn't work for him, he needs to talk to you about it, not go behind your back and do something like this.

I will echo the sentiments some others have shared. Have you tried seeking further medical advice, even if that means seeking out other doctors... specialists maybe? Truth is, you shouldn't even have to be in this situation in the first place. If you wish to be able to have a sex life, then you deserve to be able to. I don't know if you've maybe already exhausted all options or not. If you have, then I am very sorry and I hope you find a way to make it work. If you haven't, though, then maybe there are more options to explore.

If nothing else, there are still plenty of ways to have an active sex life even if sex itself isn't/can't be involved. Have you two tried couples counseling? That may also help. Things like this can be really hard to talk about... even with the person you should be able to talk to about anything. A trained professional may be able to help you two get past a hurdle you otherwise wouldn't have known how to get over alone.

All in all, though, I wish you the absolute best as always. You are awesome. I hate hearing that you have ANY reason to be unhappy. One way or another, it will be okay. I don't know what the future will hold for you, but I know you will get through it. Maybe it will be in the way you hope, maybe life has different plans for you, but just know that no matter how hard the time, you will get through it. Best of luck to you as always.

Lots of good answers so far. Do you want to stay with your husband, work it out? Isn't this considered the for better or worse part of his wedding vows? Why does he need to seek sexual intimacy with another outside of his wife? I wouldn't allow that, and if he went ahead regardless I would separated until he finds some loyalty and compassion. Better to find a solutiion together then him doing that. Worse too you say he makes you feel guilty.

It is a shame that I think I may be the only male still actively responding on this site. Because I'm not exactly the best judge of what is normal for a male. But, I do think guys (and even women) do have "needs" so to speak. So, if his needs sexually are not being met, I can understand and sympathize with that. I could understand needing/wanting to figure that out SOMEHOW, and if ever your partner is in a situation where they literally CANNOT and that situation is unlikely to change, then what other options are there? (Not sure if Snow's situation is THAT final or not, just saying as an example.)

But, again, it isn't Snow's fault in this case. It isn't like she just refuses for no reason. She literally can't. At least right now. So, again, you talk about it together and find a solution together. To me, the biggest offense is in going behind her back to do this. At the very least, he should have talked to her about it first. They could decide together whether there may be other options so they can be intimate again... or if not how they are both willing and able to work around that.

So, to some degree I can understand if the situation is difficult for him... but does he not stop to think how difficult it is for you as well? Again, best of luck. Hope you two find a way to figure it out together.

I saw, Exeter, Glyc, coffee cup and Jffs posting in off topics but...I don't think most post in relationships sections, you and pc used too. I think pc and snow white are victims of the forum issues, tbh....I was too but seems to work now.

I think your husband has a right to be bothered if he desires more sex than you are physically capable to give him but it is not acceptable to make you feel like crap over it, or ever cheat on you to get more sex elsewhere.

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Originally Posted by dollhouse [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I think your husband has a right to be bothered if he desires more sex than you are physically capable to give him but it is not acceptable to make you feel like crap over it, or ever cheat on you to get more sex elsewhere.

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Yeah. Agreed. I mean... honestly... there is never any excuse for cheating on your partner. I don't even care if the situation were that one partner just flat out refuses to have sex. There is no medical reason or anything like that, they just won't. Then you talk about it, and if it reaches a point where nobody will budge, maybe you break up. But you don't just go behind your partner's back and cheat.

IF the two agree to the one partner having a little "fun" on the side because the other can't have intercourse for some reason, then that is not cheating. ...But to do so, or even to make an effort to do so, IS cheating.

And, again, in this case it isn't like an instance of somebody just withholding. This isn't her fault. I'm sure she wishes this wasn't an issue as much as he does.

Hope you are able to get back to the site soon, Snow. I'd love to hear any updates (hopefully happy ones).

I suffered a loss in sexual interest too, after meeting too many wolves in sheep's clothing. When I hired prostitutes, some (not all, thankfully) were just downright nasty. Like I was only there to absorb their dog's abuse. It also doesn't help that my ex (and my former support workers) screwed me over, in a non sexual way!