I don't know how to get over him - please help
Hi everyone, I'm looking for some uplifting because I think most of my friends and family are just exhausted by me by now
I have written about this in earlier posts, I guess this is a followup.
Last year I fell in love with the most perfect man. Totally my type, gorgeous, charming, but also funny, dorky, likes the same things I do, we loved spending time with each other and both had never felt this way ever before. To me, it was as if someone cleaned my eyes and I was seeing everything for the first time; everything felt better with N around. He made me laugh all the time, he spoiled me, and I couldn't help but wonder to myself how I got myself someone so wonderful and exceptional as him, as he was in my eyes such a catch; ambitious, driven, hard working, wildly intelligent, handsome, strong... believe me when I say he was extraordinary. Willed himself through 3 Ivy leagues with scholarships while also being the first in his family to ever get a college education, broke his neck playing football but didn't take time off and just dove right back into work, never takes time off and is wildly successful at his job. On top of that he started a non-profit, and was the most fascinating man I had ever met. But most importantly he just got me, you know? He really listened when I talked, he remembered things, he was fascinated by me for some reason, he always would say how I was an angel. And while I'm far from being that, I did absolutely love him and could spend the night just talking to him.
After a while we started arguing, as we are VERY different. I am more of a relaxed, happy, go-with-the-flow kind of gal, while he was extremely regimented and organized. He wanted things done a certain way or he would get mad, while I was too distracted -and too much of a dits- to get them done right. After a while, it felt like he had a lot to say about anything I did and that i just could not make him happy.
With time, we argued so much it became impossible. Our feelings had not changed, in fact they had grown stronger and somehow we still thought we were meant to be together forever, but we often just set one another off. It was crazy to love someone the way we did and still not be able to get along well; it crushed me. I wanted to be who he needed me to be, but I'm still not sure I could be even with the most effort.
I couldn't do it. I will never be super organized or super disciplined and do everything right. So after a while understood that being with him, no matter what, would mean having to let him down often and me having to live with the constant knowledge of being a disappointment or even a reason for him to get really pissed off. Mind you, I'm like this in all my relationships and different circumstances, not just with him, but with N it was particularly bad because I guess he had higher standards for what he needed in a relationship. Or maybe he was just impossible. Or both.
Since I believe that you should never be with someone expecting them to change, and since I didn't want to be miserable with the man that I loved for the rest of my life, I decided to break us up in September. We had been on and off for a few months already, calling it off too often to count, and one night he got mad at me for the meal not being warmed up correctly, and the ketchup not being on the table etc and I realized that I would never get it right so I definitively decided to break us up.
He disappeared for a week, pleaded to try again for a month and when I was starting to be persuaded again, got over it and asked to just be friends. We tried that out, but the incredible sexual tension was still there and the same problems we had as a couple were still there as friends, so I decided that no contact was the only way to get over him.
That's been over a month ago (and this January has gone on FOREVER) and I've been disciplined enough to manage to stay away.
I still think about him EVERY DAY. I still love him. Sometimes it's fine, and sometimes sadness hits me like a truck and I wouldn't get out of bed if it wasn't that I need to pay rent and all that. I have to deal with the fear that he'll be the man I'll always compare everyone to and that I will never get over him but I don't know how. So, I lie to myself. I tried to go on dates, but everyone pales in comparison. I tried spending time with friends, but all I do is check my phone (even though I ordered him not to text again, so that gives you an idea of how hopeless the situation is) or talk about him. Ok, maybe not ALL I do, cause I wouldn't have any friends left if so, but I feel obnoxious.
Even just on superficial things, it would have been impossible to beat him. But then when it comes to connection, sense of humor, banter, and that feeling that's impossible to explain... it feels as though no one could ever come close no matter how hard I'd try. And yes, I'm aware that we made each other miserable. But a part of me would still prefer that misery over having to wake up every morning thinking he might be with someone else -which I wouldn't judge him for but would absolutely crush me.
I don't know what I expect you to say, I guess I'm just venting. I have never felt to helpless and down, but I know I can't go back to him. People don't change, we'd just be right back where we were before eventually. He probably wouldn't want me back anyways. I'd just like to take a pill that would make me forget all about him, at least everyone else wouldn't feel so dull in comparison anymore.
It came as a surprise to me that I could feel this way at all. Usually after a month or so I can process a breakup - especially one that I decided- but this just feels so visceral and disruptive. Maybe you can tell me how to get over it? Maybe you have stories of someone -yourselves included- that went through something similar and then fell in love 10 times as strong for someone better? Or maybe you'll tell me I never will get over it? Or that I should beg to get back together with him because I lost the love of my life?
I don't know. I just feel lost and could use some help from people who are not as emotionally invested in this as I am.
