Making Subsequent Dates

Now that you've established that you're into each other, you have to set the pace for how often you make contact and how often you get together. This is the tricky part: keeping track of how and where you both stand on whether you are free to date others, or if you are seeing each other exclusively. What number of dates (three dates, or consistent dates for three weeks), events (family functions, meeting close friends, staying over), or sexual activity defines commitment for you both? Make sure you both have the same criteria for this. Nothing is more painful than one of you thinking the other owes you exclusively. And nothing is more common inn dating than getting hurt if you think you're "seeing each other exclusively" but the other person still wants to play the field.

The best course is to take it slowly and not to expect exclusively until it really becomes clear. You can always test the waters by mentioning that you're going out with a "friend." If he asks more questions or seems disturbed, then you can sense if he cares about your seeing others. If not, he either doesn't mind, isn't ready to take on the responsibility of being yours alone, or is too anxious to ask. If you're truly hassled about it, though, you can always have a discussion about it. Wait until a time when both of you feel relaxed and have time to talk. Start out talking about what exclusively means in general, and then you can talk about the situation between the two of you (asking, "Are we agreeing to see each other only, or are we still dating other people?"). Listen to the answer and respect the other person's needs. The one who wants to have more "space," or isn't "ready" to get more serious, should set the pace, whether you like it or not. You can never force anyone to like you or want to see you.

The more you see each other, the more contact you may have over the phone, Internet, or in person. Trust your instincts about when to call or beep. If you get the sense that you are being over-demanding, trust that and do something else to get the attention you need at that moment. Get busy (with your own work or responsibilities, or a pleasurable activity) to keep your attention focused elsewhere.


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