To move on or not? 4 year relationship and 'friends with benefits'
She was my first girlfriend and I'm having so much trouble dealing with this.
Me (21 years old) and my girlfriend (19 years old) dated for 4 years and one month and a half ago we decided to break up. She took the initiative and it was really serious (not a hot-headed situation). I realize that it takes two to pursue a relationship, so I just tried to understand the reasons and agreed with the break up. She said she was feeling really empty and couldn't feel anything towards anyone, like some kind of depression. She got very emotional and said that she had feelings but couldn't materialize them well and felt extremely empty most of the times. Actually she has some problems and goes to a psychiatrist and takes meds. Her symptoms show that she may have Borderline Personality Disorder. She also has anxiety attacks and a mild OCD regarding germs. She has really low self esteem and thinks that no one can handle her problems besides me. I think very high of her and respect her much. I do my best to make her comfortable.
We are very compatible: I know how to deal with her and she knows how to deal with me; we have amazing friendship and trust (never had a single issue regarding that, on both parts) and regarding sex and intimacy, it is just mind blowing and we always agreed on those things. She is beautiful, kind and caring, shows a lot of affection and is extremely attractive. I just couldn't stop thinking about her and I'm always thinking that I will never love someone as much, have such amazing trust and intimacy, and so on.
We discovered love and how to be in a relationship together, since we were each others first romantic partner and there are many firsts and memories between us. As so, after she contacted me on the same week of the break up, I didn't hesitate and we decided to stay as friends (I knew it was a bad idea, but I just couldn't help it). We started going out just like nothing happened and then the sex came and now we are 'friends with benefits'. However, there are a lot of things we still do and the chemistry between us is astonishing. If we are alone together, it is just impossible not to end up cuddling, being affectionate, talking about life, etc. Sometimes even calling me "love", saying that she loves me, and so on. Other times she just says she doesn't know if she has feelings towards me and says, yet again, that she is empty. She can't have a relationship right now and I respect that.
Besides all of that, there is another guy interested already (he proposed to her less than 2 weeks after the break up), and even though she rejected him already, he just cannot stop and she ends up venting about it with me and says that it contributes to her bad mood and irritability. Even though I can't do anything about it, she asks me a lot of advice on how to deal with that problem and other problems.
But because of her instability (sometimes she is cold, sometimes she is not) I suffer a lot and it takes a toll on my studies. I'm taking Computer Engineering at a really good university and have a really high average and goals. I'm starting to lose my motivation for that and I'm starting to get engulfed but my feelings towards her and neglecting school. I know I shouldn't let it, but my heart always wins... This is getting out of hand. When I was in the relationship everything was amazing, I would get so motivated at school, getting excellent grades, focusing on my future goals and being confident. Now I rarely think about it, it is all about her and I'm not confident anymore...
I feel that if I just vanish from her life, I will suffer way more initially but on the long run it will be the best. However I'm crippled by her hints of hope and keeping me close, even if she doesn't do it on purpose (and I kinda want her to want to keep me close, because it gives me hope. I'm a mess).
Now it is a fight between my heart and my brain and I don't know how to handle it.
I have a lot of questions on my head such as:
Can I help her and take her back to how she was?
Can this get better when she gets better?
Will it end up bad for me?
Will I ever find someone that I can love as much?
Will I ever be able to trust someone as much?
Will I ever get so sexually attracted to someone?
Will I ever be able to find someone with such compatible views of life?
It is really scary and I love her so much. I always think that if it wasn't for this sudden thing she is getting through, we would be great together.
I try to focus on the 'bad' things, such as her issues and mood swings so that I can think 'it was for the best'... But since I deal amazingly well with them, they don't really bother me at all and the good things we have/had far surpass those.
