He still has stuff from his ex around - red flag or deal-breaker?

So, I've been seeing a guy for 2 months now. Really great guy, and we have a lot of fun together.

I was feeling very "comfortable" because he put a lot of effort into dating me. I left the city over the holidays and he texted/called me every day for the two following weeks, and then surprised me by showing up at the airport to pick me up after my 9hour flight with flowers and a paper with my name on it. He also did not try to sleep with me from the start and our chemistry/conversations are really great.

However, he once brought up that he used to date a lingerie model (someone that ended up on Maxim, apparently). He also said that it didn't go anywhere because she was too obsessed with appearances. I will admit I felt a bit insecure when I heard about her -I know I'm a pretty girl and have some great qualities but by no means am I model pretty- but I accepted it and let it go.

Fast forward to us sleeping together and me staying over at his place a few times (he even made some space for me so I could leave my toiletries over, not prompted by me); there's this massive painting of a very pretty blonde girl's face in his living room. He paints in his spare time and it would make sense that he would have painted someone he actually knew, so I made the assumption that it must be the same person.

Also, like many human beings he has pictures on his fridge and among others there's this photo-booth style sequence of 4 pictures with a pretty blonde (def couple-y pictures, though they're not kissing) and once again I assumed it's the same person.

Now, this is all very new and I do like him enough to want to consider a relationship, and he's explicitly said that he's looking for something serious and expressed his attraction for me, but I can't shake the feeling that he might not be over her completely.

I'm not sure how to navigate this, as it's triggering my insecurities a bit and a part of me would just like to know where I stand and get it out in the open that I think it's odd that he still has her pictures (probably?) around. I also feel as though it might be too soon to bring any of this up and that I don't want to make a massive deal out of something that might not be super important?

One friend of mine said that he thinks it might be nothing. That he might not have been with anyone for a while and kind of got desensitized about the pictures hanging around to the point he barely knows they're still there... but on the flip side of that: the painting is HUGE! And the couple-y photo-booth pictures are just so.... couple-y haha


Ok, so: am I going crazy? Can't believe I'm having such a jealous reaction about this, I guess a part of me felt very comfortable that he was all-in when he surprised me at the airport and with all the small thoughtful things he says and does, but this did destabilize me.

Any thoughts, advice?

As always, appreciate your feedback!

Are you crazy? Absolutely not. ...Well, at least not in this instance. LOL! For all I know you could have bodies buried in your basement and new "friends" chained up down there every week.... you know, or if you don't then you obviously ARE crazy. (I mean, everybody does that right?) LOL!

Okay, okay, all kidding aside...

You are not being crazy. Your feelings are very understandable and very reasonable. ....HOWEVER... I actually agree with your friend. That would be my personal first guess. Assuming this lovely blonde in question IS his ex, my guess would be exactly what your friend said. That he just never took them down when they broke up and by now is so used to that stuff being there he basically barely even realizes it.

I mean, I'm not saying that 100% definitely is the answer. I'm just saying it is a pretty good possibility. But, heck, let's play Devil's advocate here. Could he still have some feelings for her? MAYBE.... but even if he does that doesn't necessarily mean his feelings for you are any less sincere. The two of them broke up. He's not with her anymore, he's with you. To some degree that means he's chosen you over her. Love can be a strange thing. There can often be some leftover feelings. It can be pretty hard to go from loving somebody so deeply to completely nothinging them. (That's not a word.) Shut up, voice! I'm on a roll. LOL!

It could be possible he still has some residual feelings for her he's not let go.... but that he could very well still realize that those feelings don't mean they are right for each other. That he's still better off because the two of them just didn't work out.

Truth be told, could it also be that he still has feelings for her? That if she came crawling back he'd dump you in a second and run back to her? Sure, that certainly COULD be a possibility.... but does it sound like the guy you've gotten to know? Based on how you described him, it doesn't sound to me like he is that kind of person. Honestly, though, you can't live your life in fear of the bad times, avoiding pain. You really have no reason to believe he'd do that to you, so you shouldn't react as though you think he would.

All that said, don't misunderstand me. I 100% understand how you feel and why you feel that way. I do NOT AT ALL mean to invalidate your feelings. I'm just trying to help you to think through them and understand that hopefully and likely you are maybe just worrying over something you needn't worry about at all.

Also, that doesn't even necessarily mean you should just clam up and forget it. I mean, you should try to just let it slide if you can help it, as I'm sure you'd see in time that you have no reason to worry. But if you try that and it just bothers you enough, there is no reason you can't bring it up. If it does get to that point and you feel you need to bring it up, I'd just say make sure you take some time to think it out first. Don't address it at a time when you are upset about it, but instead let yourself calm down and think it out a bit. That way you can approach it with some constraint. If I were you I'd almost approach it apologetically like "Hey, I feel silly even worrying about it, but..."

Your feelings do deserve to be heard. If he's as good a guy as you seem to make him sound, he'd at least understand. Again, if you can forget it that would be my personal suggestion. I think time will really tell you whether he's all in with you or secretly still wishing to rekindle an old relationship. But, if it does get to the point where you can't stop thinking about it, talk to him.

Best of luck to you either way. :) Sorry. I know I threw a lot at you and my answer was kinda complex. LOL! That's sort of my specialty... complex, that is. But, I hope you kinda get what I'm saying. Life is rarely black and white, so I tend not to make my answers completely one-sided either.

If it were me I would just ask...oh is that you're ex-gf? He might actually offer you a reason why they're still up..Otherwise I would ask why he keeps them around.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by lovemuffin [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

If it were me I would just ask...oh is that you're ex-gf? He might actually offer you a reason why they're still up..Otherwise I would ask why he keeps them around.

---

Oh, hey. That's actually a good idea, I think. That's a much more casual way to bring it up, almost as if you are just curious if the painting and pics happen to be the ex he has told you about. Hopefully in that he'd offer an explanation without you even having to ask.

If he doesn't, then I refer back to my crazy long post for my personal suggestion of next steps. LOL!

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by TheEvilJester [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Oh, hey. That's actually a good idea, I think. That's a much more casual way to bring it up, almost as if you are just curious if the painting and pics happen to be the ex he has told you about. Hopefully in that he'd offer an explanation without you even having to ask.

If he doesn't, then I refer back to my crazy long post for my personal suggestion of next steps. LOL!

---

I actually casually asked "Hey, is that picture of someone that you know or just off the internet?"

And he answered "Oh it's someone that I used to know"

Ehmmmmmm


_Honestly, he's a great guy, and I'm just not practiced anymore with relationship stuff.

It's mostly my insecurities that get to me, his behaviour just triggers me however I can't really blame him for much of it. At this point I'm just trying to figure out if I can handle being in a relationship at all.

For instance, let's say that I can let the painting and the pictures go. After all, I still have letters from my ex and items he gave me, but it doesn't mean I'm still in love with him. So I can rationalize the painting, though I dread it being there.

However, I find myself checking for any likes of his on instagram and I KNOW that's insane and it will never give me the results I would like. For instance, I can see that he likes the model type girls, the exact kind of women that can still make me feel kind of shitty by simply existing. Now, I know men find them attractive and I understand that, but I can't shake it. And I know this is on me, not the guy. Realistically even if the relationship was great I would have to come to terms with the fact that he will find (a lot of ) other women attractive.

And maybe I'm just not mature enough to deal with that reality.
Maybe the whole insecurity with the ex is not the fact that he has a painting of her in the apartment, but the fact that she is gorgeous. And I don't look like that, nor do I look like any of the girls he likes on Instagram. I don't want to be the insecure woman that checks these things, but I guess I am after all.

My new question is this: do you think I should just go back to being single so that I can learn to deal with these issues, or what?

Like, he's an attractive guy. And I know he knows that. And I don't want to be thinking about all the other beautiful girls in the room when I'm with him. I don't want to feel small.

And yes, I guess he could get rid of the paintings and stop liking the pictures of other girls... but the issue would bubble up again in some different way because it is a deep insecurity of mine, one I'm not proud of but still.



Ha! Writing here is a very useful introspective tool. But I'm so ashamed I feel this way.

Honestly... don't beat yourself up TOO much. Yes, these insecurities definitely are things you need to work on and try to improve. Yes, if you let them get carried away it could make it difficult to sustain any relationship. Yes, you should learn to work through them both for your own sake as well as for whatever relationship you may attempt to have (whether with him, or if it winds up being somebody else in the future).

Here's the thing, though.... Do you know how many people have similar issues and yet just simply REFUSE to admit or realize they could be part of their own problem? It is AWESOME that you are able to take a step back and realize that at least some of your doubts are probably created in your own mind more than being based in any reality. That is the first step in starting to learn to control them better. I'm not saying it will be easy, but you CAN do it.

If your experience is anything like mine, you will probably never be able to stop those doubts/insecurities completely. To attempt to do so may actually just result in you bottling them up until they pile up too much and just explode. Instead, it is better to learn to control them. Work around them. Rationalize them to yourself. It is more about better understanding them than it is about trying to get rid of them completely. Sure, it would be nice if you can get rid of them completely, but that doesn't always work.

Again, I don't mean to pretend doing that is so easy. I know from life experience it is very hard. But you can learn to better control them and to stop letting them control you. Should you go back to being single? I can't answer that. I don't think any of us can. Only you really can. If you feel you are still at a point where these insecurities control you too much, then maybe you should. In that case, maybe you aren't ready for a relationship just yet. But it certainly IS possible to work on yourself while also being in a relationship.

So, I guess the answer to that really boils down to a few factors. Can you work on yourself while in this relationship without it hindering the relationship or even possibly hindering your progress in getting through your insecurities? If yes, then maybe it is worth a try. If you honestly think it may be too much for you to handle both right now, then maybe better to focus on yourself for the time being and worry about a relationship when you feel more ready for it.

I will say, it is true for both men AND women that they don't suddenly cease to be human because they are in a relationship. So, of course he will still find other women attractive just as I am sure you will find other men attractive. The bottom line, though, is it shouldn't matter. It's more in what one does about that. If he clicks like on an attractive girl's Instagram post... no big deal. If he's hitting on attractive women, that IS a big deal. Ultimately, a good person may still find other men/women attractive.... but ultimately doesn't care that they are attractive because their significant other is more important to them than that.

Anyways, there I go again. Blah blah blah. LOL! That's a lot of words to basically say I understand, at least to some degree, how you feel. No two journeys are the same, but I have faced a life time of my own self-doubt and insecurities and I survived them. Thrived even. You CAN do the same. Maybe you can do so while also seeing if there could be something special in this relationship. If so, great. Maybe you need some time just to yourself to deal with it.

Either way, I wish you the best of luck. Maybe not an easy task... but you CAN do it.

You might given him a chance if he came to airport then I believe he should love you. :-)

Wait, what? If he came to the airport? What is this, the ending of a romantic comedy? LOL! She'll be about to board a plane to leave to go somewhere far away forever, but he'll come running at the last minute with some love song playing in the background and he'll win her back? :D

Maybe he's John Cusack.

It would make me uncomfortable... Maybe you should tell him that and see how it responds not in a real negative nasty way just say I have to be honest kind of makes me uncomfortable seeing pictures of your ex makes me wonder if you still a carrying a flame for her.

I bet you he was lying about dating a model who appeared in Maxim, he told you that to make you think he was a big deal, stud that can pull those types of girls, did he ever show you proof that he was ever with her? Some guys get off on doing that to women who take an interest in them, makes the women think, hes a catch I better treat him as a winner/keeper and please him. This guys place sounds staged to me. No one else think this? I only am saying this off the first post, eyes are hurting and haven't read the rest of thread... what new info was there?

Oh wow. I didn't even think of that. But, now that you bring it up I can't help but wonder if there actually could be something to that. I think I would say it could be just as likely that as it could be that he actually just legitimately kind of forgot they were even there.

Though, I'll admit... now that you brought it up, I am kinda leaning that way a little more based on his response when she DID ask. That was later in the thread when she mentioned she did eventually ask him. Not exactly directly. She said she asked him if the pics/painting were somebody he knew, or just somebody off the internet. He answered it was somebody he knew.... but gave no specifics and said nothing further. And, I assume (I could be wrong, but the OP didn't say otherwise) that he still has it all up on his walls/fridge.

That part struck me as being kinda weird. Why would THAT be your response and not something like "That? Oh! That is my ex.... I kinda forgot I even had that there" or "That? Oh, that's my sister." or "That. Oh, that's the psychotic girl who used to live across the street. She actually painted that....with her own feces. She threatened to decapitate me and wear my head like a hat if I didn't leave that there....but she's in the looney bin now, so I guess I could probably take it down now." LOL!

So... yeah... now that you mention it, I can't help but agree that certainly could be a possibility. Can't believe I didn't think of that.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by TheEvilJester [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Oh wow. I didn't even think of that. But, now that you bring it up I can't help but wonder if there actually could be something to that. I think I would say it could be just as likely that as it could be that he actually just legitimately kind of forgot they were even there.

Though, I'll admit... now that you brought it up, I am kinda leaning that way a little more based on his response when she DID ask. That was later in the thread when she mentioned she did eventually ask him. Not exactly directly. She said she asked him if the pics/painting were somebody he knew, or just somebody off the internet. He answered it was somebody he knew.... but gave no specifics and said nothing further. And, I assume (I could be wrong, but the OP didn't say otherwise) that he still has it all up on his walls/fridge.

That part struck me as being kinda weird. Why would THAT be your response and not something like "That? Oh! That is my ex.... I kinda forgot I even had that there" or "That? Oh, that's my sister." or "That. Oh, that's the psychotic girl who used to live across the street. She actually painted that....with her own feces. She threatened to decapitate me and wear my head like a hat if I didn't leave that there....but she's in the looney bin now, so I guess I could probably take it down now." LOL!

So... yeah... now that you mention it, I can't help but agree that certainly could be a possibility. Can't believe I didn't think of that.

---

LOL your answer cracked me up!

I'm fairly sure he's speaking the truth. He's a gorgeous 6'4" man with a very successful job and a great personality and I see how women look at him, but also he has the picture streak from a photo booth on his fridge with a beautiful blonde girl that was probably his ex (looks a lot like the girl in the painting, but hard to say for sure).

Also, to my chagrin, the other day (we've been dating a lot more frequently recently) we're talking about his friends and he brought up another girl he dates who was a pageant girl. for the love of god does this guy even date women who don't have jobs entirely dependent on their looks? At this point, it's stirring up more doubts for me, since I'm starting to feel like I'm some sort of freak accident that happened to his dating life.

As aware as I am that I shouldn't put myself down, since my male friend said that since I come after all these attractive women he must think I am so as well, I suddenly feel a lot of pressure to look a certain way. In his defense he has never made any comments to my appearance except for compliments nor has he ever commented on other women, but I can't help but feel as though with him I would always have to put in extra effort to look pretty and that has never been a priority for me.
Don't get me wrong, I love dressing up and enjoy pampering myself and taking care of my body, but now I wonder whether I could ever be enough... I think I'm a great catch in many ways but my looks are definitely not the #1 thing that make me so.

Returning to the painting: it's still there, staring at me at 4' x 4' scale, huge, and I find myself thinking of ways I could "accidentally" mutilate it. During dinners at his place, I stare at the painting more than I do into his eyes. It's starting to have odd, weirdly hypnotic effects on me. Next thing I'll start hearing voices in my head, I swear.

I AM GOING INSANE, that thing needs to go.

By the way, I discovered he still talks to one of his exes and I didn't ask more questions - which I feel pretty stupid about now.

Apparently he was telling her about his life (stuff he was planning etc), she made fun of him for something and he told her to "**** off" - but as far as I know they could still be talking now. Also, I feel like that kind of reaction makes it sound like he's not over her at all.

At this point, I feel as though I will wait up until he mentions her again - shouldn't take terribly long- and then ask him a couple of questions. Like how long ago they broke up, why, and if they have been in contact ever since... and perhaps I'll address the painting as well.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by elisemies [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Next thing I'll start hearing voices in my head, I swear.

---

Eh, that's okay. People make that out to be like it is so weird, but I think they blow it out of proportion. I mean, doesn't everybody have those voices that scream at you to kill people and burn things?

...No, I'm kidding of course. ....Mine tell me to burn people and kill things. ...I don't think they're the brightest voices out there. :D

(Seriously, hopefully it goes without saying that I'm just kidding about all that. LOL!)

Anyway, a wise, bizarrely effeminate man often said "Compare and despair." ...Okay, that man was Stuart Smalley, a fictional character from Saturday Night Live..... but he's still right about that.

Believe me, I know this is about a million times easier said than done.... but if he seems to like you just fine, then don't compare yourself to his ex/exes, or to anybody else he may be dating if you two are not yet exclusive. Obviously he likes you or he wouldn't date you. Obviously he finds you attractive or he wouldn't date you. I can't speak for him, but I know for me personally, physical attraction is only one small part of what makes me like a woman. Sure, you have to find your partner attractive, but I am personally much more interested in WHO they are as a person. I often find myself MUCH more attracted to somebody who may not be the super model/cheerleader type.... but who has a great personality and gells with me very well. I would NEVER be interested in somebody who is super attractive, but seems self-centered and shallow.

So, as best you can, don't compare yourself to others. If he didn't like you, he wouldn't be dating you. Again, I know that is so much easier said than done. It just takes a little time and practice, though, and learning to be more comfortable in your own skin. Believe me, I of all people know how impossible that can seem. But if a fugly monster like me can actually learn to be comfortable in his own skin, then certainly a lovely young lady such as yourself can as well. :D

Your friend makes a good point, by the way. He goes out with all these women you think are SUPER attractive.... AND YOU. So that must mean this guy considers you on par with them in his mind.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by elisemies [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

By the way, I discovered he still talks to one of his exes and I didn't ask more questions - which I feel pretty stupid about now.

Apparently he was telling her about his life (stuff he was planning etc), she made fun of him for something and he told her to "**** off" - but as far as I know they could still be talking now. Also, I feel like that kind of reaction makes it sound like he's not over her at all.

At this point, I feel as though I will wait up until he mentions her again - shouldn't take terribly long- and then ask him a couple of questions. Like how long ago they broke up, why, and if they have been in contact ever since... and perhaps I'll address the painting as well.

---

I will confess that I may have to defer to others on this one. I don't know if it is just me, but I find his reaction to you asking about the painting weird and I find keeping in touch with an ex weird. I mean.... I guess for the latter there are certain qualifiers. Like how long where they together? How was their break-up? Was it fairly mutual and amicable, or was it messy in any way? You obviously don't know those answers... at least not yet... but I just personally never understood any reason to keep in touch regularly with an ex. Unless you HAVE to (such as if you have children together). Even if you parted in a fairly friendly manner.... I still never understood any reason to keep in touch. To me, it just seems healthier to make that clean break. For the both of you as well as for any future partners you may have.

Maybe that is just me, though. I dunno. If you and he are becoming more serious, though, I guess that just depends on if it bothers you or not. I suppose if they truly remain just friends and don't cross any boundaries it could be okay if it doesn't bother you. If it DOES bother you, it is maybe something to discuss with him, though. At least if/when you two become more serious/exclusive. I guess approach it as diplomatically as you can, so to speak. In the grand scheme of things, he's an adult. If his friendship with his ex is something he is unwilling to give up, that is up to him. But, if it bothers you, that does not mean you just have to be okay with it. May be a reason to part ways if neither can bend.

...Though I do feel I'm getting a bit ahead of myself there. I don't necessarily think you need to worry about it to that degree yet. Especially if you two are not yet exclusive. It sounded like you said he's still presently dating other women.

As always, best of luck to you either way. Believe me, I know these self-doubts can be a killer. I know it isn't easy to quiet them. ...But, believe me, you can get better at quieting them with some practice. When you do, it gets a little easier to tell when you may be worrying yourself for no reason, or when you may be sensing actual problems. Not that it is ever 100% clear, unfortunately, but you at least get a little better at sifting through.

Good luck!

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by TheEvilJester [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Eh, that's okay. People make that out to be like it is so weird, but I think they blow it out of proportion. I mean, doesn't everybody have those voices that scream at you to kill people and burn things?

...No, I'm kidding of course. ....Mine tell me to burn people and kill things. ...I don't think they're the brightest voices out there. :D

(Seriously, hopefully it goes without saying that I'm just kidding about all that. LOL!)

Anyway, a wise, bizarrely effeminate man often said "Compare and despair." ...Okay, that man was Stuart Smalley, a fictional character from Saturday Night Live..... but he's still right about that.

Believe me, I know this is about a million times easier said than done.... but if he seems to like you just fine, then don't compare yourself to his ex/exes, or to anybody else he may be dating if you two are not yet exclusive. Obviously he likes you or he wouldn't date you. Obviously he finds you attractive or he wouldn't date you. I can't speak for him, but I know for me personally, physical attraction is only one small part of what makes me like a woman. Sure, you have to find your partner attractive, but I am personally much more interested in WHO they are as a person. I often find myself MUCH more attracted to somebody who may not be the super model/cheerleader type.... but who has a great personality and gells with me very well. I would NEVER be interested in somebody who is super attractive, but seems self-centered and shallow.

So, as best you can, don't compare yourself to others. If he didn't like you, he wouldn't be dating you. Again, I know that is so much easier said than done. It just takes a little time and practice, though, and learning to be more comfortable in your own skin. Believe me, I of all people know how impossible that can seem. But if a fugly monster like me can actually learn to be comfortable in his own skin, then certainly a lovely young lady such as yourself can as well. :D

Your friend makes a good point, by the way. He goes out with all these women you think are SUPER attractive.... AND YOU. So that must mean this guy considers you on par with them in his mind.



I will confess that I may have to defer to others on this one. I don't know if it is just me, but I find his reaction to you asking about the painting weird and I find keeping in touch with an ex weird. I mean.... I guess for the latter there are certain qualifiers. Like how long where they together? How was their break-up? Was it fairly mutual and amicable, or was it messy in any way? You obviously don't know those answers... at least not yet... but I just personally never understood any reason to keep in touch regularly with an ex. Unless you HAVE to (such as if you have children together). Even if you parted in a fairly friendly manner.... I still never understood any reason to keep in touch. To me, it just seems healthier to make that clean break. For the both of you as well as for any future partners you may have.

Maybe that is just me, though. I dunno. If you and he are becoming more serious, though, I guess that just depends on if it bothers you or not. I suppose if they truly remain just friends and don't cross any boundaries it could be okay if it doesn't bother you. If it DOES bother you, it is maybe something to discuss with him, though. At least if/when you two become more serious/exclusive. I guess approach it as diplomatically as you can, so to speak. In the grand scheme of things, he's an adult. If his friendship with his ex is something he is unwilling to give up, that is up to him. But, if it bothers you, that does not mean you just have to be okay with it. May be a reason to part ways if neither can bend.

...Though I do feel I'm getting a bit ahead of myself there. I don't necessarily think you need to worry about it to that degree yet. Especially if you two are not yet exclusive. It sounded like you said he's still presently dating other women.

As always, best of luck to you either way. Believe me, I know these self-doubts can be a killer. I know it isn't easy to quiet them. ...But, believe me, you can get better at quieting them with some practice. When you do, it gets a little easier to tell when you may be worrying yourself for no reason, or when you may be sensing actual problems. Not that it is ever 100% clear, unfortunately, but you at least get a little better at sifting through.

Good luck!

---

TheEvilJester , always a real pleasure to hear from you. Thank you for your tact and empathy in answering my doubts.

You know, as I read your entry I remembered something he said on one of our first dates, the first time he mentioned his ex. It is unfortunate that I forgot, because it might be a big deal.

We were talking about Marilyn Monroe, and how apparently she could switch her persona on and off. So then he asked me, if there were a scale in which 1 is masculine and 10 is feminine, where do you see yourself?
I thought of it and answered " I reckon a 9... I like taking care of myself, I like girly things and spending time with girl friends, I'm quite nurturing..." and he said "That's interesting, because I would have put you more as a 5 or a 6". I must have looked a bit taken aback by his words, because he rushed to explain himself, and made the situation worse " No no it's not like that. I mean it makes sense that given the job you have and the life you lead you couldn't really dive into being super feminine or it would come off unprofessional. You see my ex was a lingerie model - someone that appeared on Maxim - and her life consisted of being stopped by guys as she walked down the street. Of course her job allowed her to tap into her feminine side more, so I would say she was more of a 9 or a 10 from that point of view. But she was obsessed with appearances and needed me to let her know if anyone was planning to come over so she could put make up on, and so it didn't work out" not a perfect quote, but close.

In afterthought, I got compared to his ex and lost at sizeable numerical difference. On date 3 or four. Yikes, not a great sign huh.

Then yesterday we went to a museum together and upon showing me this person he followed on instagram I couldn't happen but notice that the most searched person on there was someone whose name is the same as the ex he's still in contact with. Unfortunately I didn't catch the full Insta Handle (my investigative skills aren't really that great) but I looked for her among the people he follows and she's not among them. So, if I can make an assumption, he looks at her profile all the time, talks to her, but doesn't want her to know he's watching. Which is not great.

We did have a talk about where we stood and he did say that he wasn't seeing anyone else but that it was too soon for any labels (this was about 6 weeks in) and at the time I was fine with that, as I wasn't expecting to come out of that conversation as boyfriend and girlfriend but just wanted to know if I should have been seeing other people. Now... I'm not sure I can be "unofficial" for much longer as I'm starting to fall for him hard.

And yeah, I'd like to know what it means when guys follow a bunch of fitness girls, local babes et cetera on Instagram. I likes some of their pictures, he doesn't comment - but as far as I know he could be talking to them over. And they're not the classiest type of ladies... like I won't judge them but we're very different for sure. I understand that he will find a lot of people attractive, I really do. But these ladies aren't all famous ladies, they live in our same city... and this app makes it very easy to get in contact with them. It's not as if they were just random people on a google search... you can definitely communicate with them with ease over Instagram and I just don't feel comfortable.
To be fair, he adds someone new every few weeks or so and he only likes a handful of pictures a week, but it's still tough for me, I'm not going to lie.

On the flip side, and I really feel like I need to give him credit for the things he does right as well in order for you to have the full picture, we see each other 3-4 days of the week. He takes me out to dinner and never lets me pay. I takes me to shows and concerts and even though I always offer to split, he never lets me. He told me I looked like Brooke Shields yesterday, and compliments me a lot. He's slowly opening up to me, he's planning some outings with his friends (I did meet his cousin and respective wife) and sent me dinner invitations and seems very interested in my brother's wedding which is coming up in summer. He also speaks about have children often and he asks for my advice - and actually takes it - very often. He cooks dinner for me, he loves to cuddle and takes pictures with me. He sent my office flowers for Valentine's Day, he takes interest in my problems and seems open to meeting my friends. These all seem to point towards him wanting to be serious, but he could just be a nice guy that wants companionship?

These are my plans:
1.) next time he brings the ex up, I'll ask for more details
2.) I'll date him another 3 weeks or so and see if he makes any plans or refers to me as anything different from a friend in public or tries to bring up the girlfriend conversation
3.) I'll try to see what he has to say about relationships and marriages in general

It sucks because these all tests in some ways, and I don't want to be testing him as he's always very lovely and kind with me, but I don't want to fall for someone that doesn't to get married down the line or who still isn't over his ex.

Anyways... part of this is just me ranting... but the other part is a desperate need for feedback. Keep me sane, please!


PS: the photobooth strip on his fridge is dated 2015 so I guess that's not terrible news. Then again they could have dated for years after that but at least that points to it being remotely in the past.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by elisemies [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

TheEvilJester , always a real pleasure to hear from you. Thank you for your tact and empathy in answering my doubts.

---

Oh, why thank you. I do try. Honestly, I always try to help as best I can with those who come along, and I always try to empathize with the person asking advice... but sometimes there are people that come along that remind me a lot of my own experiences. You happen to be one of those cases where I can relate so much to how you feel/how you think. I've wrestled with a lot of my own self-doubt over the years. I've kind of become skilled at it. LOL!

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by elisemies [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

You know, as I read your entry I remembered something he said on one of our first dates, the first time he mentioned his ex. It is unfortunate that I forgot, because it might be a big deal.

We were talking about Marilyn Monroe, and how apparently she could switch her persona on and off. So then he asked me, if there were a scale in which 1 is masculine and 10 is feminine, where do you see yourself?
I thought of it and answered " I reckon a 9... I like taking care of myself, I like girly things and spending time with girl friends, I'm quite nurturing..." and he said "That's interesting, because I would have put you more as a 5 or a 6". I must have looked a bit taken aback by his words, because he rushed to explain himself, and made the situation worse " No no it's not like that. I mean it makes sense that given the job you have and the life you lead you couldn't really dive into being super feminine or it would come off unprofessional. You see my ex was a lingerie model - someone that appeared on Maxim - and her life consisted of being stopped by guys as she walked down the street. Of course her job allowed her to tap into her feminine side more, so I would say she was more of a 9 or a 10 from that point of view. But she was obsessed with appearances and needed me to let her know if anyone was planning to come over so she could put make up on, and so it didn't work out" not a perfect quote, but close.

In afterthought, I got compared to his ex and lost at sizeable numerical difference. On date 3 or four. Yikes, not a great sign huh.

---

LOL! You know... maybe... But do you what I honestly think? I think it was more a case of him MEANING it as a compliment, but not thinking at first about how it sounded. Like, it sounded more complimentary in his head. :D I think we've all done that at some point. Especially us guys. We can be idiots. Then, he either realized you didn't take it as a compliment, or when he heard himself say it he realized it sounded bad... and he panicked. In his panic he just made it worse. ...Again, it isn't like I was there to witness it myself, so I can't know for sure. But from the paraphrased conversation you shared, that does sound to me like him meaning it as a compliment and not realizing until too late that he'd not handled it well. LOL!

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by elisemies [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Then yesterday we went to a museum together and upon showing me this person he followed on instagram I couldn't happen but notice that the most searched person on there was someone whose name is the same as the ex he's still in contact with. Unfortunately I didn't catch the full Insta Handle (my investigative skills aren't really that great) but I looked for her among the people he follows and she's not among them. So, if I can make an assumption, he looks at her profile all the time, talks to her, but doesn't want her to know he's watching. Which is not great.

---

You know.... at least as far as the first part of this (him following a bunch of attractive women on Instagram) maybe I can put that in perspective. I'm about the biggest boy scout kinda guy you can ever ask to meet. I am absolutely not the kind of guy who hornily (is that a word) follows a bunch of attractive women thinking I can "hit them up" and maybe actually hook up with one/some of them. Even so, I still follow my fair share of women I happen to find attractive on Instagram. Celebrities, cosplayers, and a lot of the "Suicide Girls." (Side note: If you aren't familiar with the Suicide Girls, it is NOT promoting self harm in any way. It is just "alternative" girls. Gothy, with a lot of tattoos and/or piercings, that kinda thing).

So, I think that is just kind of natural. Now, me personally, if I had a relationship, I'd probably un-follow most of them on Instagram. Not like I'd feel I have to, but it would just feel right to me. But I don't think that is something most guys would necessarily bother or even think to do. I don't think it is terribly concerning that he follows other attractive women on instagram. Heck, I dunno about him, but I often follow a bunch of people on Instagram and then completely forget I followed them until they pop up in my feed. LOL!

As far as him searching his ex... well, that may be more concerning, but even there I am not quite sure. Thing is, you never know. Maybe he USED TO search her a lot but doesn't anymore. She'd probably still show on his most searched accounts even if he no longer did. Either way, though, it might not mean anything. I think that is kind of a natural thing most of us can't help at some point. Looking up an ex just out of curiosity. I wouldn't necessarily worry too much about it unless you start to feel there is evidence that he may not be over her after all.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by elisemies [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

We did have a talk about where we stood and he did say that he wasn't seeing anyone else but that it was too soon for any labels (this was about 6 weeks in) and at the time I was fine with that, as I wasn't expecting to come out of that conversation as boyfriend and girlfriend but just wanted to know if I should have been seeing other people. Now... I'm not sure I can be "unofficial" for much longer as I'm starting to fall for him hard.

And yeah, I'd like to know what it means when guys follow a bunch of fitness girls, local babes et cetera on Instagram. I likes some of their pictures, he doesn't comment - but as far as I know he could be talking to them over. And they're not the classiest type of ladies... like I won't judge them but we're very different for sure. I understand that he will find a lot of people attractive, I really do. But these ladies aren't all famous ladies, they live in our same city... and this app makes it very easy to get in contact with them. It's not as if they were just random people on a google search... you can definitely communicate with them with ease over Instagram and I just don't feel comfortable.
To be fair, he adds someone new every few weeks or so and he only likes a handful of pictures a week, but it's still tough for me, I'm not going to lie.

On the flip side, and I really feel like I need to give him credit for the things he does right as well in order for you to have the full picture, we see each other 3-4 days of the week. He takes me out to dinner and never lets me pay. I takes me to shows and concerts and even though I always offer to split, he never lets me. He told me I looked like Brooke Shields yesterday, and compliments me a lot. He's slowly opening up to me, he's planning some outings with his friends (I did meet his cousin and respective wife) and sent me dinner invitations and seems very interested in my brother's wedding which is coming up in summer. He also speaks about have children often and he asks for my advice - and actually takes it - very often. He cooks dinner for me, he loves to cuddle and takes pictures with me. He sent my office flowers for Valentine's Day, he takes interest in my problems and seems open to meeting my friends. These all seem to point towards him wanting to be serious, but he could just be a nice guy that wants companionship?

These are my plans:
1.) next time he brings the ex up, I'll ask for more details
2.) I'll date him another 3 weeks or so and see if he makes any plans or refers to me as anything different from a friend in public or tries to bring up the girlfriend conversation
3.) I'll try to see what he has to say about relationships and marriages in general

It sucks because these all tests in some ways, and I don't want to be testing him as he's always very lovely and kind with me, but I don't want to fall for someone that doesn't to get married down the line or who still isn't over his ex.

Anyways... part of this is just me ranting... but the other part is a desperate need for feedback. Keep me sane, please!


PS: the photobooth strip on his fridge is dated 2015 so I guess that's not terrible news. Then again they could have dated for years after that but at least that points to it being remotely in the past.

---

Okay, so for all the rest of that....

Again, all I really have to go on is what you've shared. It isn't like I can know for sure.... But I will say this. Most of the possibly negative things you mention (things like him following attractive women on Instagram) strike me as being more likely just something all guys do and not necessarily a reason for concern. At least not unless it is excessive, or you ever do find out he's actively trying to date these women. But, to me, that strikes me as just being something people do and not necessarily a cause for concern. Any of the negative things you've shared tend to strike me as POSSIBLY being a red flag, but most likely not being a big deal.

...But then you shared a lot of the positive stuff as well... and all of that kinda makes ME want to date him. LOL! And I'm a straight male. So, maybe it is a case of judging whether or not his words match his actions. If you ask me, at least based on what you've shared, I'd lean towards thinking they very much do match.

Again, though, I'm not close to the situation. I can't know for sure, which is why I do hope you develop the same skills I have for getting a little better at sifting through the BS/lies and the truth. At telling when somebody just SEEMS good on paper and when they actually ARE good. But, for what it is worth, a lot of what I've heard does lean me toward thinking he may be one of the good ones. Best of luck to you as always. :)