What the hell does any of this mean

Well I have now become desperate enough to get on a love forum in the middle of the goddamn night. if you get through this monstrously long post you will be intrigued i'm sure. Lets skip back to about a year ago when I was 17. I met this man. I knew him through my dads work. This man... lets call him.. Raymond? He was 24 at the time. I originally thought he was a kinda unhandsome dorky fella with a crush on me. I also thought he was very much not interested in woman. But he would talk to me at my dads work parties and what not. Well eventually a little while later I would begin to start liking him. I even dm'd him once I started liking him and we started talking a taddd. Eventually one day I was around him and we exchanged snapchats. Well we begin talking on snapchat and continue for weeks. Every single day we talk. This is not bullshit streaks either. These are actual conversations. Well one day I tell him we should go see a show together. He responds "yeah possibly". Right then and there I was done. After weeks of talking I thought this dork is going to right back that to me? I'm insecure about myself but at my age i've got a much better career than him and all my friends think he's like a 2 and that I should be dating someone more in my league ( a higher league lol).

Well then our convo starts back up for a few more weeks. At this point we both start talking about this show we wanted to go see. And one day he writes "would you go?" and I was yeah "yeah im down" and he goes "for reals?". This is a 24 year old man. Well then a week passes and I decide to buy a ticket and I will go alone. Well I tell him I bought a ticket. He then tells me he wants to go and eventually tells me he's going to buy a ticket too. Later in the day im like okay cool we can meet there? Now, the place we were going is very south. He is about 70 miles north of this place and im only about 25. And then over snapchat he starts like complaining about traffic and how driving will be such a bitch. So I offer if he wants to meet at my place and then I can drive us there. He took me up on that offer. It was scary for me to do this cause I like barley know him and I just figured it'd be awkward. We had only seen each other in person 4 or 5 times up to this point. And always in my dads work setting. Well he gets to my house and we drive there. We had dinner before hand and I only got fries but he offered to pay. I don't like when guys pay so I tried offering but he was like nah. But I insisted I could leave tip. Then we see the show and it was a great night. One time in the night he mentioned how he likes to pay for his friends dinners. It wasn't about me but it was still kinda odd to say unless he was trying to friendzone me. I don't remember how it came up. Well anyway the night ended up being not that awkward at all. Okay now a little about me. I am very inexperienced. Im currently 18 and have only ever kissed people in theatre class. Well the end of the night comes and theres no kiss or anything which I did NOT expect anyway as he's pretty dorky or whatever.

Well a couple nights pass and he tells me how he's got extra tickets to this show he's seeing and asks if I wanna come. He writes me "wanna meet in my area and then ill drive the rest of the way." I was like cool. Well we see the show and then he drops me off at my car and that was it. Just a hug goodnight. Then a week later one of my dads things is coming up and we were talking about how we would both be there. We went and that was also a nice night. We explored these haunted hallways. Then we went to grab a late night bite after too and he paid again. Then in the parking lot. NOTHING.
I start thinking. Well maybe its our age difference? Maybe he's waiting till my birthday. Or maybe its cause he sometimes works with my dad? But they get along and my dad doesn't give two shits. Or maybe cause he won't admit he's not into girls. He's very closed off and doesn't get into much with my dads co workers friends but he does tell them he's straight.

So finally I get to doin some stalking. See if he has had any past relationships or anything? Well it seems he's really had no past relationships. None since high school at least. I invite him to a movie maybe a couple weeks later and I buy our tickets. We also go to dinner after. Then I drop him back off to his car outside my house and that was that.

Okay now heres where things start getting interesting. I'm going to skip over some other stories cause you get the drift. Now New Years eve is coming up. So Im like ya know what im going to invite him out for New Years eve. I do and he's down. We went ice skating. Just us two like always. Where I put my arm in his. It was nice. Didn't seem like it even phased him that I had done it. We would stop occasionally and then break apart but then when we would go again it just seemed natural to interlock again. Okay so we get done around 9. Then we go get food. Then we go hang out at a coffee shop. Then we are trying to figure out where we will go for the countdown. I decide we should go to a mall roof and watch fireworks. So we do. The count down happened. AND nothin. No kiss. We head back to my place so I can drop him off at his car like usual. And he starts walking to his car and im like "wow not gonna even walk walk me to my door?: and then he does. He then continues to stand at my door step just talking to me in the freezing for about 15 or so minutes. Then I go in. And I think "ive had it" so I snapchat him a a photo that says " wow no New Years kiss, tsk tsk" with some laughing faces. When he finally arrives home he writes back and completely didn't even acknowledge what I had said. SO I thought okay well he clearly isn't interested I'm not stupid and I must be done with him. So I write him goodnight and he says "goodnight I had fun tonight" then I don't respond. We have a streak going still from the first day I ever wrote him. The next day its getting to the afternoon and we hadn't talked. But then he writes me. After I hadn't responded the night before. It was just a casual snapchat of nothing in particular. So we start talking again.

Now about a week later he invites me to a show he bought tickets for and I was like sure. I thought It was so weird he would buy me tickets to a show a week later after what had happened?
Well then I start going out of town a lot for work. We would see each other every now and then. He starts traveling for work too. So we start seeing each other less and less unfortunately cause we were both out of town for weeks at a time. Well about a few weeks pass and were both back in town. My parents are out of town and only my uncle is around. SO Im like this ass hole still writes me and invites me places and buys shit so I'm like im gonna be ballsy. So I tell him my parents are out of town. Wanna come over and watch movies? and he's like yeah. So he comes over at 10 at night. we watch a movie. So at like 12 he's about to head out. We are literally walking to the door. And then he sees a guitar in another room so he goes and sits down to play it. And continues to play for like 30 minutes while were talking. Then I'm like wanna go play the guitar in my room? And he's like yeah. Well now he's sitting in my bed playing kiss me by Ed Sheehan on my guitar at 1am. I shit you not. This is a real thing that happened. He then stays till 2 am. Mind you he was supposed to leave TWO hours earlier. Well surprise surprise he leaves and nothing happens. We just always hug and I get nervous cause im always afraid if he tries something ill be scared. But we just hug and like always he goes "see you soon?"
Now this is really when we stop seeing each other for about 3 months cause we are both traveling so much. But we are still talking on snapchat everyday. One night for the first time ever he calls me on the phone. Which is super out of the blue and random but very nice. We spoke for about an hour. These phone calls became quite regular. One time I even called him but he pissed me off so when we hung up I got all shady and wasn't responding and he started asking if I was mad and then he called me the next morning but pretended like nothing had happened.
Well we continue talking like normal and months pass and we finally see each other again. It was fine. Then my 18th bday comes up and he comes and it was a super tragic night that im not about to get into, but it sucked. It just ended up with me ubering us back to my house where he drove home.

Now we are pretty much caught up to current time in my story. Recent highlights are like I saw him and after we'd been with each other all night he called me on the phone to talk for another hour? One night he writes me how he's "been drinking to be honest" and asks me to hang out soon. Also I talked to another one of my dads co workers and asked him to interrogate Raymond on any details and he said that Raymond wouldn't open up and refused to talk and just said she's my friend leave me alone man. One time one of my dads co workers came up to me and Raymond and asked if we were on a date ( we obviously were not as we just were at one go my dads work parties) and he was like nahh in a silly voice and I got pissed and left. I mean it was silly of me to get pissed cause we weren't on a date but it still hurt my feelings as im MADLY in love with him. But right after I left he wrote me and asked "why didn't you stay? You should have." I told him it was cause I was hungry just to lie. And he was like well I want a smoothie so wanna go get something? I said sure and we met up at a little snack place but neither of us ordered anything.He always does shit like this like if he thinks im leaving one of my dads parties he will text me and ask me if I am leaving or he will follow me outside.

Also then for two weekends consecutively he would send me videos of him passing my exit? Finally after like almost a year I broke our snapchat streak and we don't talk as much virtually anymore. Last night in front of me he was telling someone how he always used to get friendzoned and he'd be in love with girls and not tell them. And tonight he came to one of my dads things and we walked out together and my car was far away and I was thinking we would go grab a late night bite cause we have plans to go see this show in a couple weeks and I wanted to figure out details but he tells me he's going to head home and not to hate him. I was like its late why would I hate you? I tell him how im parked like 5 minutes away so bye and he's like no ill walk you to your car. So we get to my car which he couldve just driven me to since his car was right out front. But then he asks if I can drive him back to his car. Im like yeah. Then we get to his car and he's like okay ill just sit in your car for a few minutes. Im like um? ok? And then he's like wanna do something this week? Im like before our other plans next week? And he's like yeah. And I said sure. Then another song comes on and he's like okay ill just stay till the end of this song. Well the song ends and then he leaves. And thats where we stand.

Now the reason I don't just tell him I love him is because I'm madly in love with him and I love his friendship too much to ruin it. It doesn't ever feel right to tell him fully. Trust me I'm tempted every time considering im miserable every time we say goodbye. But I'd rather be tortured being his friend then not be his friend at all. Theres lots more stories to be told but isn't that life. SO maybe if anyone gets through this they will have some sort of advice I haven't already been told. But I really hope you at least got a kick out this goddamn disaster. What the hell does any of this mean