30 Year Old Woman - Virgin & Sick of It
Epically long first post…. but after lurking a bit, I thought this looked as good a place to vent as any :P.
Wasn't sure what forum to file it under as it deals with dating, sex, and marriage, so feel free to move it if there's a better spot (?).
I will bold some sentences for the "tl;dr" crowd.
I've been having something of a spiritual crises that is ultimately affecting my ability to find a long-term romantic partner, or perhaps vice versa.
I was raised in a very religious Christian family. My family was never overly strict (in some ways, they are kind of "hippies", perhaps due to their generational values), but I found our entire social circle revolving around church stuff. So even though I went to school & college & had many friends outside of this belief system, there was/is always pressure to date someone of the same specific Christian faith.
This pressure extends beyond family to friends & my entire social circle, and if you don't adhere to this standard, people can pull away from you sharply. There's a lot of negative judgment. Those who date someone outside their church must do so quietly, secretly, and not make it known until after they are married. But up until you're married, people will stick their nose into who you are dating, & if they are not of the same faith, then you will get a lot of criticism and even social shunning. They think they are doing it for your own good, so they justify some rather mean stuff.
There is also the standard of "no sex before marriage", which was the norm among my friends & often led to people marrying rather young. So by 25, most people in my social circle were married. I kept these standards because I sincerely believed in God & the Bible.
However, I was always very shy & somewhat of an odd duck - a lot more intellectual, arty & "offbeat" than those typically found in religious communities. I went to art school & have been exposed to a lot of ideas, philosophies & culture that these people have not. I've found it hard to click with anyone romantically & have not found myself pursued much at all by anyone. I also don't want kids or a suburban life, which is often what others imagine when you say you'd like to marry. I do some humanitarian work & have a location independent job & would like to travel more in pursuit of my altruistic endeavors, but someone else who would also like this is hard to find in ANY circle. Still, I'm flexible, although a more regular life course is not for me.
I'm considered physically attractive by most objective standards, but I realize individual tastes vary & I'm not going to be everyone's taste. My style of dress may be too arty/fashion forward for some, as some religious types like more plain jane / conservative women, but I generally get positive feedback from people.
So I tend to put down my difficulties in dating to my semi-unusual personality & limited options.
I'm still a spiritual person, but I have reoccurring doubts that I find harder to resolve more & more. Sometimes I feel like my chosen religion has too many arbitrary man-made rules that miss the point. I feel like it doesn't allow me to be human. But then I wonder if I am just trying to rationalize other desires I have.
Since I still enjoy the community & have built a life around it (my friends, family, and even some work I do is completely attached to it). I have no real desire to leave my religion. It's not fear of socially being outcast if I were to leave it, it's just that I'm okay with 99% of it. Whether or not this is 100% spiritual truth doesn't plague me anymore…. I've decided it's mostly good for me & I feel better when I practice the meditation & reading of scriptures & moral standards it promotes. I still believe in God & that the Bible is a holy book with spiritual insight into metaphysical matters. The social circle I have contains unusually kind, honest & sincere people, and their motives are good even when occasionally misguided.
The main problem is DATING.
As I said, most people my age in this religion are married. There are a LOT more single women than men. The single men around my age either seem disinterested in women (asexual? closet gays?) or perhaps have so much ego they expect to be chased down (since they have the pick in most ways). To top it off, most aren't very physically attractive or successful outside of their spiritual & moral standards (which are admirable, true). Lots of them seem to live at home with their parents into their 30s, for example.
I've had two boyfriends in the past 5 years & both were not very attractive & both were unemployed while we were dating, and I was a rebound for both. One was divorced, and I felt like a trophy girlfriend used to boost his ego, so he was never serious about the relationship as he appeared to be at first. Once his ego was repaired, he suddenly was not interested in marriage as he claimed to be. To make it worse, these guys were just as "bad" as any non Christian man as far as trying to get some lovin', but without crossing certain lines (if you know what I mean). It felt very, very hypocritical.
At my age, I am dead tired of the whole "abstinence" thing. I'm tired of living like a nun. I've always had a normal sex drive & have spent my entire 20s being rather frustrated. I have a full life & am not lonely, but I'd like SEX - some passion, intimacy, affection & HUMAN TOUCH. I'd also like to be appreciated for my youthful beauty before it totally passes, as I'm at the age where it's going to be downhill from here out. This is total vanity, but it feels like a waste to have been young & pretty with a cute figure & have no one desire you.
The few people I've expressed this to tend to say
- "just get married", as if it's an easy thing to do
- "it's a sacrifice you may have to make in order to stay faithful"
So there's either lack of understanding or out right guilt-tripping. Some people occasionally try & set me up with men of the same religious background, but they are unattractive and have nothing in common with me. Most of them make little effort themselves because they seem to feel they do not have to, or perhaps their expectations are extremely high since they "have the pick". It angers me when outside of my church I encounter waaaay more attractive men who are interested in me, but whom I'd get guilted away from dating.
So you see my bitterness coming through now, which I HATE. I don't feel this way towards men outside of my church, which then makes them more appealing by default because they don't have the "entitled" stigma I've come to associate with these men. They also will flirt & pursue me & I'm not made to feel like some shameless hussy trying to nab a husband. But I also don't want to lead anyone on & I feel like I'm doing them a favor by not getting mixed up with them. Once I hit the wall of either having to introduce them into other areas of my life or they expect sex, then it doesn't go anywhere anyway.
The other problem is, I've spent so many years discouraging male attention from men outside my faith that I don't even really know how to send signals or flirt. I feel like my default mode has become "repel". I'd like for something to happen naturally, but with the way people in my church go about dating, it feels so unnatural. I don't know how to operate within its confines, but I feel inhibited to operate outside of it.
I know I could date quietly, secretly & then just marry without the knowledge or good wishes of friends/family, but this bothers me for many reasons
- I'd have to lie/deceive my friends/family to pull that off. I don't want to do that. But I'd lose their respect & even friendship if I were open & honest.
- It would make me a hypocrite. Even if I have doubts, I have chosen this course & prefer to maintain integrity.
- The man would either have to be okay with waiting till marriage for sex, or I'd have to lie & be a hypocrite. The former will be hard to find & the latter raises other moral issues I find far worse than "fornication" in itself. I'm not really bothered by sex outside of marriage, and would be okay with a less traditional relationship, but it's the inconsistency with the rest of my beliefs that pains me. I think my feelings here may just be "wrong".
- I wouldn't share a HUGE part of my life with someone if they were not of the same religion, which makes me sad.
I don't know if I'm looking for advice or what. I feel like I'm backed into a corner. It's still possible for me to meet someone with the same faith, but I'm becoming intolerant of the whole "celibate" situation. My patience is thin now & I don't want bitterness to consume me.
FYI, I've tried online dating & mostly met atheists & agnostics who turned out not to be compatible with me. Most professed devout Christians in online dating don't really jive with the rest of my worldview & my general personality. They don't necessarily subscribe to the same kind of Christianity I do.
I feel like I don't really belong anywhere…. and this means I cannot find someone I "belong" with.
