If this is goodbye...

Hello everyone.

I just registered in this forum and would like to seek opinions on something i'm going through. I'm currently at a total loss on what to do in my situation...

To give some background of my story:

I'm an M&E engineer for a consulting firm, working on constructions and housings. About a year ago, i was involved in this project where the architect suddenly leaves. Enter this new architect... who is the subject of my current heart's predicament. Lovely and intelligent, she's also 5 years older than me. She designs the houses, i make sure it works. While not love at first sight, i do look upon her fondly.

As it is, we have a fortnightly meeting to work on the project. In the beginning, i was just trying to make her feel welcomed, being friendly and nice. There was couple of hints and flirting between us, but i didn't think much of it. All those changed however, when one day i thought "hey, she's single, nice and lovely"... and i developed feelings for her. So i decided to ask her out 3 months after knowing her.

The first date we just went for lunch. It gone well, we had fun and talked and know each other better. Then we proceed to have coffee, where it sort of went wayward. She found out i was 5 years younger, her face literally dropped. It got awkward then, seeing she seems shocked.

I thought it was over, i asked her out for dinner the next time and she said she hoped i don't misunderstand anything. But later on, i found out that she didn't dismiss me and was in fact still considering me.

About 2 months after we last went out, i asked her out again for an orchestra performance. She said yes and we proceed to have dinner and the show. I thought it was going fine, she even told me she had a great time. In between, we still meet up every fortnightly for our meeting. I do call her and text her after work to just chit chat. Occasionally delivering coffee to her office and our meetings are always pleasant. Example, people within the group of my meeting will realise that we change tone to our voices when speaking with each other and they are speculations maybe we're having something.

Come February, i made a silly mistake and probably came on too strong. I bought her flowers for Valentine's Day. She was surprised and was happy to receive them. However, when i called her the next day, it was a 180 degree turn. She seemed cold and i knew something was bad. She told me while she appreciates my gestures, she thought things were "clear" between us. And she said "no" when i asked if have the chance to pursue her. She didn't want to explain why, and was mumbling the whole time. Finally, she just decides not to continue the conversation.

I was dejected, went "no contact" with her except for professional purposes. No more calls/texts after work.... Angry and bitter, i begin acting coldly to her, which she noticed. However, our project isn't affected. But all those time i was being cold to her, it was an act. The truth is, i still care for her so much, but i don't want to be hurt again.

But as time pass by, we sort of reconnected. We being to see eye to eye again and for a moment we even shared coffee. All those time, i still harbor feelings for her. Things seemed to be back to normal. Then about a month ago, she was involved in an accident. From what she told me, she could've died if she wasn't smart enough to get out of the car. I decided to cheer her up, and took her for lunch and got her something to end her week on a high (after her bad week). I just told her "i just want you to be a little more happier" without realizing that i actually cared more than i would've like to.

The thought of her leaving this world and me, sort of shook me. And i realized i still love her very much. That i didn't want to stop my heart's pursuit for hers. There and then, i wanted to be involved and care for her again. Was thinking that i have time (since we do meet up fortnightly), and maybe if i go for a slow burn approach, maybe then she'll learn to look past the age thing and accept me as her man.

Then she dropped a bombshell yesterday. She told me she's quitting her company... That she's leaving the project... and with that, me. I suddenly seem to be swallowed with tremendous devastation. She'll be out of my life, no contact/no relation.... and i'll never have the chance to see her again. She'll be leaving end of this month. And then all i'll have are just memories of her... and it crushes me in a gut-wrenching pain that i may never see her again. Or be with her. Or even have the chance to spend this life with her...

I think you should tell her one more time that you want her. If she turns you down, you must respect her wishes and leave her alone.

I used to think if she was still there, she'd see my sincerity and persistence. I hate it that the end is coming soon and it could go either way. Most likely i'll never see her again.. that she'll probably want to start a new life. Or it could also be a new opportunity for me, what with the professional ties are now broken. Can't help but be a negative thinker though..