Am I depressed cause I'm not in love, or am I not in love because I'm depressed.....?
I have a really complicated issue. I have had a pretty rough past with abuse, neglect, bullying, drugs & alcohol abuse, and lots of LOSER boyfriends who have cause serious heart ache and rejection issues. I always went for the "bad boy" and was a social butterfly, I used to be quite liked by men but the one's who I liked always left me without any explanation once they got what they wanted. This patten wen't on for years until I reached a point when I couldn't handle having my heart broken one more time. Then came along my now husband....James. There was an instant attraction on the night we met, We got on really well in a mental, physical and emotional level. However, he was a NICE guy. So thoughtful, compassionate, and intelligent. There was no chase, and he treated me like a queen. However, he was NOT the kind of guy who I would ever usually go for.
We started hanging out after that night and the more time I spent with him the more I started questioning weather he was right for me or not. My heart kicked in and was telling me no, because there wasn't really any passion there, and very little chemistry, especially in the bedroom. However we still got on so amazingly well, we have all the same morals, interests, we were physically really good together, and I did find him attractive, but just not in the way I found those "bad boys" attractive. However, because I had so much heart aches with the bad boys, and I also knew that me being so over the top in love with these bad boys made me think that the love I had for them wasn't real, and wasn't healthy, it was just a result of the past I had and the insecurities I now had that were caused from my past.
So I made a decision to stay with James as our mental and emotional connection was the strongest i've ever had with a man. Every day we were together I worried that I was making the wrong decision, but no matter how bad the worrying got, I just couldn't find it within be to break up with him. Something always made me stay with him. I got more and more emotionally invested in him to the point where I think I relied on him far too much. We spent and still do spend so much time together. I pretty much lost my who social network, stopped going out, and my life was now just him and a few close friends.
Before I knew it we were engaged, married, and now we have our first child. He is absolutely perfect. I am so unbelievable in love with our son that it hurts sometimes. However, the feelings of doubt now have intensified so much, that I now find my self worrying sick about our relationship. I can't stand the smell of my husband, everything he says and does annoys me, I feel sick having sex with him, and we don't even kiss anymore. However I feel even more trapped now than I ever have. Because it would absolutely destroy me and my son if we were to break up. I also would be stuck in the country we live in due to having our son and wouldn't be able to move back home to my family who are in New Zealand.
I am however now also feeling pretty depressed at the moment and have bad anxiety, I have lost touch of a lot of the things that made me happy in the past, one of these things was music, I was a professional singer, I have now stopped doing music completely. I also have chronic fatigue and feel sick constantly. I don't spend much time with my friends and I feel like I have lost who I am/was. People on the outside would see this differently though, as I am studying, working, and am told to be an amazing mother I am a very busy woman!
My question is, do you think that I am feeling this way towards my husband because of the chronic anxiety intensifying my feelings X100 AND as a result of intimacy issues from the abuse from my past. OR have I married the wrong man who I am not in love with, and that is what is causing my anxiety, depression, and worrying???? Deep, I know, but no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to find an answer!! Please help!
