Somebody else who ruined everything..
I don't know if there's actually any help that you can give me. But i needed to write this all down. I'd like opinions if anybody has them.
Bascally, I was with this girl, Jenny, for just over seven months since last june. The whole summer was amazing. We camped next to a beach and had an amazing time, we went to an amazing festival and spent all the time together and we really fell in love with eachother. It was the perfect relationship where we understood one another and were always there for eachother (for example when my uncle died in june she was always there when I wanted to talk or I needed a hug).
However, during the last few weeks of the relationship I started doing the same things you listed above: taking her for granted, not giving her as much love and attention as she deserves and just generally being a chauvanist dickhead. And through doing that I began to think that I wasn't good enough for her and that I was generally not going to be able to maintain the relationship. So, on December 26th 2008, for reasons still unknown to myself, I broke up with her over the phone, ruined both of our christmases and new years and made her feel worse about herself than she ever has done before. (go me eh? ....)
Over the next month or so we went our separate ways as best we could. Yes, we both kissed other people, but I regret that with everyting I can. Then, over about five months, up until about two weeks ago, she basically begged me to take her back. But, being the complete ****wad I am, I kept on saying "maybe, I don't know how i feel". At first I wouldnt get back with her because I didn't think I wanted to be in a relationship, but, when I realised that I did want to, I couldn't bear the thought of upsetting her any more than I already had. I tried to keep some distance, although I'm not very good at relationships so it came across as me just being an ignorant twat. Then, about a month ago we started talkng more, and I even went to her house once and we ended up sleeping together, which was not my intention, I didn't want her to think that I just wanted sex, but thats what she ended up thinking. So she asked me over a couple more time but I couldn't go because I had too much work to do. However, the last time she asked I said yes. And I planned to go over the next week, although she doesn't believe that I would have. Which brings me onto the next paragraph:
So then. The theatre company at my college, which she acts in and I do technical stuff like lights and sets etc. Had a party a couple of weeks ago (The plan was that I go to her house a couple of days after and sort things out). I drank waaay too much and literally cannot remember anything. All I remember is seeing her with some other guy and feeling like somebody had ripped out my insides. I think that's what caused me to drink so much.
Anyway. The next day she calls me and asks if i'm ok. So i was rather confused about why she would want to do that when she was obviously with this other guy. But she tells me that she looked after me when I was throwing up etc.
She also tells me that she tried to ask me if there was any chance of us being together again or if she should go get with this other guy. She says that I didn't give her an answer because I was so drunk.
So, the week after, we meet up to talk. And it goes really well, we have fun, we hug, we're both happy and just before she leaves she kisses me. And it's literally the best kiss ever. The amount of emotion and love poured into that kiss was incredible.
However. Two days after that, she goes and stays over at this guy's house (she also went there last night), then calls me the next day and says she's with him now. Needless to say I was destroyed. She says he has really intelligent views on everything, and he's going to cambridge to do english, and he's really nice etc... But he's made no effort atall to get to know her friends and because of that she's drifting away from not only me but so many other people who care for her. And all that's goin to happen is that she'll start smoking and doing weed again (which I managed to stop her doing last summer) and she's worth so much more than that.
But, the worst part is, she tells me she still loves me even though she's with somebody else. We spoke twice on the phone and both times she cried and told me she loves me but she can't come back to me, even though she won't give a reason other than "i can't".
I know I've been an utter retard. And i've been completely blind and ignorant. And I made her feel worthless even though I didn't mean to. I love her so much, and I know that we can go back to being as happy as we were last year when it was amazing. I just want to go to sleep with her in my arms and for the first thing I see when I wake up to be her face. She was so sweet and caring and wonderful and I ended up taking it for granted and turning into everything I thought I could never be.
If she still loves me then surely there's a way to get her back? I need to make her see that what she could have with me is better than what the new guy can give her. She says she'll meet up with me this week for one last afternoon together.
If I let her run off with somebody else, I don't think I'll ever see her again.
