how to get a second date

So I'm fairly new to dating, as I got out of a big relationship in September, and have been on a few relaxed but not so exciting dates so far. Absolutely nothing wrong with the guys, in fact quite the contrary: they were absolutely lovely, but no real spark.

On Monday I went on what I would by ALL means consider a great date; we laughed, he ordered a second drink, he was charming, he literally lifted my chin and kissed me as we were about to leave... I hadn't felt that much chemistry with someone from my first date. I could go into more details but i

Being that I am a NYC gal through and though, I did consider it could be one of those not so uncommon dates where things look great and then you never hear from him again... but he said he'd like to see me again, texted to make sure I arrived home safely, then said he'd drop a line the next day to arrange a next date (we both got home around midnight) and then... well didn't hear from him for nearly a day so I texted to ask how is day was. He answered, and we've texted back and forth a few times since then (it's only been 3 days) but no mention of a second date and frankly I hate having long conversations via text, I'd just prefer it we met in person. I don't want to play games, I sure like to think that I'm not needy, as I barely text him at all, but maybe I'm getting it all wrong...?

Ok so on to my question; should I just give up and accept that he's just not that into me as I thought, should I ask him if we can meet again, is he just hoping to text me to have his ego stroked...? What the heck! Can I really not trust my instincts at all?

Ruthless, direct, mean feedback is accepted, as long as its honest.

So you want to meet him in person?
And you don’t want to play games and like the direct approach?

Well... how about asking him out for the second date then ?

But if he said he would drop me a line about setting up our next date, shouldn't I supposedly let him do just that?

I did send him a text last night saying that I was at a very cool rooftop lounge and said he should come, which was more than just a hint. He barely acknowledged it in the morning, saying something about how I maxed out my alcohol quota (I mentioned on our first date that I generally try to only have to alcoholic drinks a week) and then spoke to me about he wanted to start going to the gym again. Ughhhh.... is he just bored?

Do you reckon I should try explicitly asking: "Hey, are you still going to ask me out on a second date or are we just exercising our thumbs?" hahah

Seriously though.

Yes you should do exactly that and in those words. Best to be clear and upfront, otherwise you will just be wondering all the time. If he says yes then great! If he says no then you have a end to your
wondering and can move on.

Good Luck!

So you let go nice guys just to try with guy you cant get.
I think you should text him first. Otherwise dont look like he needs you.

So after ignoring his texts from yesterday night I finally received one from him asking if we could meet up this weekend. I'll keep you posted if we actually get to go on that damn second date!
Thank you!

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Well I do not let go of nice guys, sometimes they don't stay in contact either. And this guy is a nice guy too btw. We can't cathegorize people in good and bad based off of if they like me or text me, can we?

But if there's no spark, no sense in stringing them along either, right? I'm quite clear once I know what I have to do.

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Originally Posted by pcmaster [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

So you let go nice guys just to try with guy you cant get.
I think you should text him first. Otherwise dont look like he needs you.

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Hah no way. Some of these nice guys also ghosted me after the first date so I think we're all getting a fair shake.

Plus, I don't feel like we can cathegorize guys into nice or not nice only based off of whether they want to go out on a second date with me, right?

Well, looks like I got here just a tad too late. He's already set up a second date. So, that is definitely a good start. I WOULD have said that you probably shouldn't worry too much yet. Yeah, I agree he shouldn't have specifically said he'll check with you about a second date TOMORROW and then not do that. If he wasn't intending to do it immediately, he should have just said he'd hit you up for a second date and leave it at that.

I would guess then you probably wouldn't have been quite as anxious about it. I mean, correct me if I'm wrong, but I think the fact that he said he'd do it so soon only added to the paranoia. Otherwise, sure part of you would probably have been wondering, but I'd bet you'd have let it slide a little longer without worrying he'd lost interest.

If he hadn't already asked you on the second date now, I think my advice would have been to give it a few days... and if he still didn't to just go ahead and ask him. It would be nice if he did, especially since he said he was going to. But... that doesn't mean that you have to just sit there and wait and hope he does. It also does NOT mean you should just give up without even a word if it seems like he's not going to. I would definitely at least recommend trying to take the initiative before you just give up and assume it is over.

Though, sounds like he has asked you on the second date now. So, just keep that advice in mind if the same kind of thing ever happens again. It is okay for you to sometimes be the one to take the first step in setting something up. ...BUT... if it starts to become a thing where you feel like he is too slow to set things up, or is constantly leaving you in doubt, that may be a sign that perhaps it would be best just to move on. Maybe, maybe not. But, let that be a future concern. Hopefully things will continue to go well and you'll never even have to decide that.

Good luck!

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Originally Posted by elisemies [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

But if he said he would drop me a line about setting up our next date, shouldn't I supposedly let him do just that?

I did send him a text last night saying that I was at a very cool rooftop lounge and said he should come, which was more than just a hint. He barely acknowledged it in the morning, saying something about how I maxed out my alcohol quota (I mentioned on our first date that I generally try to only have to alcoholic drinks a week) and then spoke to me about he wanted to start going to the gym again. Ughhhh.... is he just bored?

Do you reckon I should try explicitly asking: "Hey, are you still going to ask me out on a second date or are we just exercising our thumbs?" hahah

Seriously though.

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You don’t have to phrase it like this
Just ask him nice
Only if you want that date ofc

So I figured I would keep you guys posted because this whole situation is just weird -at best- and frustrating at worst.

Texting conversation with said guy goes as such:

Friday at 10:50 AM: Hey do you hate time to meet up this weekend or completely booked?

Me: That'd be lovely! What/where did you have in mind?


.... disappears all weekend

Me (Monday 9 AM) : For all your talk about not wasting other people's time you don't quite walk the walk

Him: Looks like the opposite to me seeing as how we haven't spent time over the wkf

Me: But isn't it odd to ask someone if they want to go out and never answer again?
Me: Oh well

Him: Yes
Him: Granted
Him: With a side accusation of romanticism in the margin

Me: Haha oh God how so?

Him: I apologize
Him: Well darling we have met up once
Him: I'm in the gym. Give me a few

Me: NP I'm out on a run

Him: You're right to call it out. My going MIA this wkd has nothing to do with you

Me: Well that I figured
Me: Anyways, too bad

Him: Well you're a binary one
Him: Either in or out
Him: So be it

Me: Now I'm confused
Me: Even more than before
Me: Of course I'm out if you don't show interest

.... no more news

OK, so: if you don't understand what the hell is going on or what he's saying, welcome to the club. I'm either getting lost in translation or totally going mental.
Fine, so I am right to assume that he doesn't really want to go out with me at this point and is just playing games? I get the overall gist of the situation but some of the things he says I'm not sure I'm understanding correctly.

Also: WTF??

No, you're not alone. I'm equally perplexed by your recent exchanges with him. Because, yeah, I'm right there with you. It is both odd and rude to specifically ask if you are available that weekend.... and then yet flat out disappear when you respond in the affirmative. ..And yet somehow when you call him out on it he manages to try to say HE is the one wondering if YOU are actually interested or just wasting his time?!?! And he says he's wondering that about you because you haven't spent time over the weekend?! Oh... you mean kind like the weekend where YOU SAID YOU WERE AVAILABLE AND OPEN TO HANGING OUT?! You know... the one where HE disappeared and never got back to you?

I am with you. I kind of think, at this point, my personal thought would be he doesn't sound worth the time. MAYBE I'm just being too quick to react, though. I don't know. Could be he's just one of those people who WANTS to make plans, but can just be unintentionally flaky. Unintentionally flaky is still annoying, but it is better than intentionally flaky. You know him, I don't. So you'd know better than I if it is worth giving him more time. But... I'm personally sorta leaning towards thinking he isn't worth your while.

Good luck to you.

Well with those bitchy messages on both sides I wouldn’t like to meet either of you

So. Good luck. It’s the only thing that’s left here imho

Haha I actually held myself in quite a lot. Yes, I was mad though, I admit it. I find it childish to ask someone out and then disappear, and I will call anyone out on that, I'm not afraid. By the end of the weekend I had decided that he was not a very respectful person, and I wasn't going to go quietly into the night about it.

Good for you ! To hell with the disrespect. How does that go again...many fish in the sea ?

But you didn’t call him out nice
You acted childish too

You say you are not afraid
What you mean is that you don’t care if you are rude by stating how you feel

But that is different. If you act sincere for example by just plainly stating that you would like it if he invited you out but you are not sure because at the moment you don’t see your „relationship“ evolving anywhere
That’s a lot different from „oh well, it’s just too bad but I don’t really care if you invited me or no. And besides that is all your fault because you aren’t true to your words“

All of that maybe true on a level. But if you cannot learn to rephrase that and rethink that into an acceptable way maybe you might encounter more adversarities than necessary

I definitely agree the exchange could have been handled better on both sides. I just can't blame Elise one bit for maybe not handling it the best.

I mean, heck, had I been able to offer advice to her that weekend, I think my advice would have been not to wait until AFTER the weekend to contact him again. Not that you should HAVE to when he's the one who brought it up, but I'd just have suggested texting him maybe Saturday morning with something like "Hey, I didn't hear back, did you still want to get together this weekend?"

Either way, had the whole weekend passed without him getting back I still wouldn't necessarily have suggested approaching it the way our OP did. ...But I'm not for a minute going to blame her for that. I'd feel exactly the same way. I would want to approach it with some more diplomacy at least at first... but I don't necessarily know if I could either. Hopefully, but it would be hard not to be p*$$ed off about that.

Elise,

I think, if nothing else, I would suggest using this as a good example for Future Elise. If somebody is this frustrating... it is honestly probably better just to move on. Why even waste your time? Because, honestly, once HE invited you out for the weekend but then disappeared on you, I'd have honestly said he isn't worth you getting yourself aggravated over it all over again. By calling him out on it, you really just opened yourself up to further frustration.

Frankly, I think my personal suggestion would have just been to forget him. IF he contacted you, I'd suggest just a polite brush off. Something like "Look, it was fun and all, but I'm just not feeling the right kind of spark." Why even bother giving him the opportunity to frustrate you more the way he ultimately did by trying to blame YOU for HIS flakiness? People like that will never learn even if you DO call them out on it.

But, again, I'm not going to blame you for that anyway. I absolutely understand. Good luck to you. I hope you find somebody much more attentive and responsive soon enough. But, for the time being, just remind yourself that YOU are pretty damn awesome yourself. Not like you are perfect or anything. Nobody is. But, you are pretty swell, and if this guy couldn't be bothered to notice it, that's HIS loss. Some other guy will.

Ruthless feedback incoming! :)

Sorry, I can't help you unless I'm direct. Some people are really stuck in these toxic dating myths. But you sound like a tough practical NY girl.

> Absolutely nothing wrong with the guys, in fact quite the contrary: they were absolutely lovely, but no real spark.

Do you want LTR or do you want a spark? Normally you can't have both. A real spark takes time to grow, typically. An immediate but true spark is rare on the first date. Usually that fizzles out when you get to know them.

> I hadn't felt that much chemistry with someone from my first date

Beware, he could be playing you.

> well didn't hear from him for nearly a day so I texted to ask how is day was.

A day isn't that long. Be patient or you could really screw things up. But since you texted after a day, that is still ok. Texting him shows your interest. No texting on your part = no interest = he won't bother to call you back. Guys are sick of doing all the work and playing head games with girls and they will no longer tolerate that.

> but no mention of a second date a

He's waiting for you to show interest, and even ask him on a date. If he's really looking for LTR, he wants you to actually show you are a team player and actually have the confidence to do something really basic, like ask for a date. A girl who can't do that just won't work for LTR. But that's how I work. See my sig.

> should I just give up and accept that he's just not that into me as I thought,

Yes you should give up if you can't even manage to ask him on a date. He deserves better than a little girl waiting for a man to do all the work.

Sorry, but you need to get the kick in the pants reply. Many men are simply avoiding marriage altogether because of people that lack basic maturity and relationship skills.

Hey TheEvilJester ,

thank you for sending.

Little update; I pressed the guy a little further and in the end he said something along the lines of not wanting to waste my time because he might be about to move to another city.
Do I believe him? Maybe. It's not unlikely, however why did he go on the first date to start with.

Anyways, it doesn't bug me as much any more. In a way, I'm thankful it was just one date given how it ended up, and since I did like him with time it would only have gotten worse.

I agree that my manners could have been better, but I have a short fuse and little patience for games, so once I realized nothing would come of I figured I might as well get to the bottom of it. As a girl, I have been taught to be polite and respectful - partly as a self defense tool. But sometimes it becomes an obstacle in itself, because in this case for instance it would have kept me from getting closure, and being nice to someone that is disrespectful ultimately doesn't feel very nice haha.

After some time putting myself out there (I'm only 26 mind you) I have learnt that it safer, and generally better, to invest as much as the other person invests in you. If there is no answer, I should indeed do as you say and call it for what it is instead of putting more thought and energy into it. In the end, when the other person doesn't care enough and it shows, it's all just lost time.

I'll try and retrain myself a little bit.

I have 3 takeaways from this little "situation" :

a) don't worry about people that don't actually care
b) it is possible for me to feel genuinely excited about a new guy for me - this is a massive positive, as I somehow convinced myself that I would never meet someone as great as my ex again
c) dating sucks and I can't trust my instincts as to whether someone is into me or not - this one is bad because I always believed I could tell pretty clearly when there was significant interest on the other side, and apparently that isn't the case

and a tentative d) better manners?

I will say, you are right to some degree that it is good to only put in as much effort as the other person is putting in as well.... but just don't take that in the exact opposite extreme. Because, it is also okay for you to sometimes initiate. For example, this time around he mentioned asking you on a second date... but then didn't for a while. As result, you just waited for him to ask and he never did. Don't get me wrong. I understand why you waited. You thought, he's the one who brought it up in the first place, so if he doesn't actually make the effort to set it up, maybe he's not interested.

But, that isn't necessarily the best way to approach it. Hindsight is always 20/20, but it would have been better to just ask him out yourself rather than just waiting. Again, same thing for when he asked if you wanted to get together over the weekend, then just disappeared. Instead of waiting, it would have been better just to try texting/calling him once more to say "Hey, we still on for the weekend?" or something like that. Like I said, it isn't that you should HAVE to do that. He IS the one who brought it up in the first place. But, some people can just be a bit spacey/flaky even if they don't mean to be that way. Or, like it sounds was the case with this guy, some people are just flaky and don't give a crap how it affects other people.

Ultimately, it sounds like the end result would have been the same anyway. Sounds like this guy wasn't a keeper anyway. But, why play games that only hurt you anyway? If you want a second date with somebody and they haven't asked... why not just ask yourself. Sure, if it becomes a pattern where you ALWAYS have to initiate, that could be a problem. But, there's no harm in both parties being the one to initiate now and then.

Being polite and respectful is definitely something EVERYBODY should do. Not just women. It's just, there is a delicate balance between being polite and being a doormat. There is a delicate balance between being tactfully direct and being a rude jerk. To be perfectly honest, I think you sound like you are within a pretty good balance on that spectrum. Hopefully this experience can be a good life lesson for you if nothing else. It's okay to be a bit assertive and to try to take what you want. It doesn't always have to be the guy to reach out first.... but at the same time, nor should it always be you.

With all that said, don't misunderstand... I'm NOT at all taking his side or trying to blame you. I 100% understand and agree with you that he was in the wrong for the way he dealt with you. I'm just saying... why even bother giving jerks like this the opportunity to frustrate you? Just go for what you want and, to some degree, you should be able to tell whether or not the other person is putting in enough effort. Not that it is necessarily a given. I don't mean to make it sound like it is SO easy.... but you can't live your life worrying too much about whether or not somebody is invested enough in your relationship. You have to just go for it and you should at least have a decent sense of if things seem to be equal on both sides or if you are just wasting your time.

Good luck to you.

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But if he said he would drop me a line about setting up our next date, shouldn't I supposedly let him do just that?

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Only wait 3 days for him to contact you, then ask him if he wants to set up a date, or he wants you to set up the date. He's probably testing you, and weeding out weak girls that won't put any effort into the relationship. This is a shit test guys do, and it's really valid, because most western girls won't put any effort into the relationship at all. Guys need to find out quickly who is worthy of a relationship and who is just a helpless child that needs to be taken care of. Being passive is what puts you in the friend zone.

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Do I believe him? Maybe.

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Yes believe him. Take his words at face value, don't over think things.

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It's not unlikely, however why did he go on the first date to start with.

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He went on the first date and after that he could have found out he might be moving. Keep it simple, don't assume too much. And by saying this he said he's not interested. So it's time to move on.

I agree. Clarity is better than no clarity.

That is a really nice way to sum it up. I like that. "Clarity is better than no clarity." And I would agree. In many aspects of life, it is better to go for what you want and know for sure than to sit back and hope things will just happen and very possibly be left wondering.

People don't like confrontation; most guys won't actually tell you they are not interested because they don't want to hurt your feelings. I think the fact that he hasn't set up a second date or didn't follow through with it shows his blatant disinterest.

Stop chasing after men who aren't interested. You deserve someone who finds you attractive.