Not a relationship person?

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20-04-12, 03:36 AM
ivymuse

Not a relationship person?

Hey guys, I've been with my first and current boyfriend for three months now and he keeps telling me how strange he finds it that he is the only one who ever "does anything"... let me explain: For example, he says that I never make the first move when it comes to kissing or hugging and stuff like that and that he feels uncomfortable as he then never knows whether I like it or not. I've been trying to work on that, really, but I just can't get myself to take the first step!
It's not that I don't like him or anything, and I'm also not a generally insecure person but when it comes to love-related things I totally close up, I don't let anything get to me and it's almost like I'm afraid of being rejected - even though he IS my boyfriend and I am actually fully aware that he won't "mind", on the contrary, I'm sure he would love it...
Also, I sometimes feel like I'm only leading him on as I think he likes me WAY more than I like him. I've been thinking it through over and over but I just can't figure out what to do, how to change my attitude. I've never been in a relationship before, so I'm definitely not "damaged" or anything, just naturally very distant. But I feel like that keeps me from fully appreciating our relationship, only because I'm not willing to take ANY risk at all...
aaah this is so frustrating, I hope I managed to explain myself a little here, it's just so complicated that I could probably go on and on about this...^^
Anyway, I would appreciate any kind of advice you might have! Thanks in advance! :)
Greets
Theresa
20-04-12, 08:23 AM
vashti

You won't ever feel comfortable initiating contact if you never do it. Practice makes perfect, and will build your confidence.
20-04-12, 01:56 PM
haxan

Maybe you're afraid of getting hurt or rejected, so compensate by being overly cautious.
20-04-12, 02:04 PM
IndiReloaded

Lots of men appreciate women with initiative. Its hard to find the right balance, tho if you are naturally shy. My advice is to *imagine* you care less than you actually do (not really, just pretend) and then do the things you otherwise might not. Within reason of course. You might also want to read this:

[url]http://www.montrealcbtpsychologist.com/userfiles/373150/file/Assertiveness_Training.pdf[/url]
20-04-12, 08:27 PM
BoredGeorge

Quote:

Originally Posted by ivymuse [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Hey guys, I've been with my first and current boyfriend for three months now and he keeps telling me how strange he finds it that he is the only one who ever "does anything"... let me explain: For example, he says that I never make the first move when it comes to kissing or hugging and stuff like that and that he feels uncomfortable as he then never knows whether I like it or not. I've been trying to work on that, really, but I just can't get myself to take the first step!
It's not that I don't like him or anything, and I'm also not a generally insecure person but when it comes to love-related things I totally close up, I don't let anything get to me and it's almost like I'm afraid of being rejected - even though he IS my boyfriend and I am actually fully aware that he won't "mind", on the contrary, I'm sure he would love it...
Also, I sometimes feel like I'm only leading him on as I think he likes me WAY more than I like him. I've been thinking it through over and over but I just can't figure out what to do, how to change my attitude. I've never been in a relationship before, so I'm definitely not "damaged" or anything, just naturally very distant. But I feel like that keeps me from fully appreciating our relationship, only because I'm not willing to take ANY risk at all...
aaah this is so frustrating, I hope I managed to explain myself a little here, it's just so complicated that I could probably go on and on about this...^^
Anyway, I would appreciate any kind of advice you might have! Thanks in advance! :)
Greets
Theresa

Having a partner who loves you more is ideal, that means you can manipulate and control him. You should initiate only as a reward for good behaviour. Remember, avoid negative reinforcement or blackmail and use positive reinforcement wherever possible.