Why dating advice on the internet is mostly useless
(it's been a while since I've posted, it's great to be back, though)
So yeah, imagine that you're this average guy who wants a girlfriend but keeps getting rejected/doesn't know where to start. Naturally, you decide to ask on the internet what people think, since it's a place where new ideas are flowing every second. However, it may be counter-productive, since most advice people give you often make you even more neurotic than you already were. Here are, in my honest opinion, some of the mistakes "dating gurus" make when trying to pop your dating cherry:
1. They assume that you're constantly depressed because you can't get laid
Humans are social creatures, wanting a romantic partner is a totally natural thing and no one was made to be an island. Therefore, it's completely natural when someone starts getting a little desperate when he's been alone for a long time. However, this doesn't mean that it's all they think about, there are way more stuff in their heads than just relationships, even though the latter is one of the (if not the most) important aspect(s) of life. Even if you are the happiest being single, it's never as good as being in a relationship with someone(I won't need to mention that your SO needs to be minimally compatible), so it's completely understandable when someone gets sad for being alone for too long.
So, instead of bashing someone for feeling a completely natural thing - loneliness - and assuming that they're always like this, start telling people what to do in order to get over that feeling, whether it's getting a girlfriend(most commonly) or something else.
"But there are people who never find anyone and are perfectly fine with it". Cool for them, let them live their lives as they want, but if someone wants to have a loving relationship you should respect that too. Everyone is different and deserves respect for the way they think.
2. "You need to love yourself before you love others"
Even though I agree that focusing on our emotional well-being and self-care should be a priority, this is completely different from "needing to love yourself before you love others". What they normally mean is that people need a certain amount of "self-love" in order to be qualified for a relationship. This is what scientists call "bullshit". First off, self-esteem is not a destination, it's a journey. There isn't a "finish line" of self-esteem that, when you reach it, everything will be sunshine and rainbows and you'll finally deserve to be loved.
Second of all, life is way more complicated than that, you may feel blissful one day and then hit rock bottom the next one, and this doesn't mean that you don't love yourself, it means that the journey to a better self-esteem is not a straight road but an uphill climb and sometimes people lose their footing. This doesn't mean that you're undeserving of love and that you don't love yourself, it means that you're human. You deserve to be loved not because you reached a certain amount of self-esteem, you deserve to be loved because you're you!
Finally, there are extremely important benefits of building and maintaining a relationship in our early stages of the journey for self-esteem. Having someone by your side who loves you, motivates you, cares for you and wants what's best for you is a hugely overlooked and important resource, it can push you to work harder in a very real way! The way other people look at ourselves is way different from ours, they can see beauty where we only see darkness, they see an entertaining and intelligent person where we only see a boring, uninteresting loser. I'm not saying that we depend on other people's vision of ourselves, but it's certainly an enormous help in our quest for self-esteem.
3. "If you're confident, everything goes your way! Confidence is key!"
This one is partially true. Confidence is a very attractive trait, yes, but it's not a decision we can made. We can't simply snap our fingers and BAM! we're confident. Confidence is merely a byproduct of success. You need some kind of social/sexual/romantic success before you can have genuine confidence. Confidence without success is delusional and/or dishonest, thus fake, and others will quickly recognize it as such.
It’s not really the confidence itself that people are attracted to. Confidence is merely what results when someone has the qualities that are really attracting us. If someone is good-looking or quick-witted, others will be attracted to them. This will make them feel confident. So when someone tells you they are attracted to confidence, they are lying! (whether consciously or subconsciously) What they’re really attracted to are the traits that make confidence possible.After all, we all know that good looks, wealth and social skills are attractive! So when someone says they’re attracted to confidence, what it means is that they’re attracted to success & the factors that make success possible. The confidence itself merely exists as a sign that those other factors (the real attractors) are present.
Plus, when people mention confidence, 98% of the time they are unwittingly referring to one specific kind: social confidence. By its definition, it requires support and acceptance from others (in your own age group) before it can exist. The process of getting it takes time, and setting small, achievable goals and focusing on growth so that you can build your self image is the way to go. I'm not saying that confidence is entirely bestowed by others. Confidence is interpreting your past results in a positive way. Confident people ultimately have learned the skill of emphasizing moments of success and downplaying moments of failure.
Finally, confidence may be important but it's not a magic sauce that'll solve all your dating problems. Thinking that you only need confidence to get a girlfriend is idiotic(if you want a girl who has something other than shit inside her head). Confidence is merely one piece of the puzzle that is female attraction. No two girls are ever the same, one may find you appealing, the other may look at it as cringeworthy and off-putting. Female attraction is absolutely non-linear and confidence alone doesn't do much, it needs to be paired with other desirable traits such as good looks, being funny and interesting, etc.
4. "Talking to girls is a whole new level of social skill"
Sorry to burst your bubble but no, talking to girls is not a hugely complicated problem. They're humans, just like guys, talking to them like they're a goddamn alien race is just ****ing stupid. And yes, some girls are stingy bitches who almost accuse you of sexual harassment only because you spoke to them, but trust me when I'm telling you that they are just as nice as guys and will talk to you about anything and everything. One thing that usually helps is looking at a girl as a potential friend, this allows you to be free of any pressure regarding dating and hey, things happen when you least expect it, don't they?
I'm not saying that girls are easy to attract(as I said earlier, female attraction is complicated). However, if you look at them as a whole new type of human being yet to be understood, you'll have a hard time getting a girlfriend. It's not rocket science!
As a final word of advice, I'd like to say: STOP READING SO MUCH ADVICE ON THE INTERNET AND PUT YOURSELF OUT THERE. GET A DATE, GET REJECTED, WIN SOME AND LEARN SOME! FIND YOUR WAY AROUND THE DATING MAZE!
