Romantic love is useless.

So, it seems that according to some studies, done by expert and psychologists, in general people can only feel the "great happiness" of romantic love for four years (average), then it all becomes a routine and most people will look for extramarital affairs or simply end their relationship and seek new "passions" elsewhere.

For me this proves that romantic love is the most overrated thing in the world, even more than sex itself (IMO).

Glad God made me asexual and aromantic. I know I will never hurt anyone.

Peer reviewed sources?

Troll.

Google them. Don't be lazy.

lol what a joke!

Don't need to Google. My 21yr relationship is not what you describe.

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Originally Posted by Eric_from_Tampa [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Google them. Don't be lazy.

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Don't be a git.

Wow somebody really hurt you it seems. Not everything is textbook in life.

still plenty of things in this world that scientists can't explain true love is one of them, don't mean to have a go but it's a poor life if you feel incapable of love

OK let me explain here the reason for the title of the topic since I have certainly been vague in this post. First, I am a new user of this forum I cannot provide links yet, anyway you can certainly go on the web and google “relationships last only four years” or “love only lasts a couple of years” and you will see a lot of articles from both personal opinions and professional associations altogether- if you have been married for 20+ years and because of that you think you don’t need to look for the info it is up to you. But YOUR marriage does not represent the majority of marriages.

There is certainly a tendency that suggests that these studies might be right. Most people today do not last with their partner for all their life, and we know that many relationships are core-based on physical stuff like money and how good they are doing sex, but nothing emotional, so in this case there is certainly a great possibility that all that fire, all that “I love you so much”, “I can’t live without you” is just a big lie, a huge surreal mirage.

Divorce rates in highly developed countries are scary. Of all marriage, half of them fail, but don’t quickly think “oh, but the other half succeed”. NOT REALLY! Let’s convert the other half into a 100% and about 75-90% of them are NOT HAPPY. They stay together for reasons such as “their kids”, “afraid to never be with someone again” or simply scared that their partner could harm them. A relationship is not good when both parts are more of their time fighting, arguing and typically having a bad time; some “get used to it” and define their love based on that absurd scenario. Out of all the relationships I have known, friends and family I can say that only five of them are good. The others, are totally surreal, and some have failed.

Romantic love is presented in the media in a manner that simply put, most humans cannot develop it. There is nothing like “giving without expecting anything”, that’s surreal. About 95% of all relationships face some sort of unfaithful scenario, including fantasy/mental only. There is certainly a filial/fraternal/friend love that can exist between two people, but romantic love is only either reserved for a very small group of people in the world, or a surrealistic form of love that has been created by culture and religions, but that in nature, it’s kind of forced.
The cycle of “romantic love” is true for almost all relationships out there:

1. “She/he looks hot”
2. “I like him/her”
3. “I want to be with him/her”
4. Idealization stage- he/she is everything I prayed for (no defects, “perfection”)
5. Slowly, the defects begin to show up, but the person is so “in love” that they ignore them
6. Marriage/Move together
7. Time passes, defects grow up
8. Time passes, the person begins to get boring, it’s been a long time and he/she does not produce the same “impression” as in the first stages of the relationship
9. As time passes, the idealization totally fades and depending on the nature of the defects, the person begins to get really bored and questions his/her happiness
10. The person discovers the so called happiness he or she sought has not been found.

Then, depending on the person, after this stage, it can only lead to years of routine or a separation, and sometimes if they stay together, there will be adultery, either “live” or mental. This cycle repeats with every person in each different relationship, giving the impression that most people are not monogamous. The problem with romantic love is that when you understand that people will feel they meet the love of their life every freaking four-five years, it can be easily noted that the person is not satisfied and therefore the so called “happiness” can be perfectly proven that does not lie in being in a relationship.

Now, you can ask “but what about those who last all their life together and they are in love”… well, first, who knows… one thing is what we see, other very different is what it is in reality. Truth is that long-lasting relationships today are outstandingly scarce, so we cannot put a negligible situation to “apply to everybody”. Of course if people feel better looking for their “happiness” in cyclic, repetitive situations of romance where it appears and fades every certain time, that’s their decision, but it cannot be generalized that every single one of us needs something that, in reality, seems much more like a surreal thing. I personally believe that romantic love either does not exist at all, or if it exists it is an exceptional gift for a very small number of people in the world. What I am goddamn sure is that most people are not capable of love someone else in the romantic sense. It's a lie.

Everyone is different, some people never fall out of love. Why listen to some survey which was probably asked to people who are unhappy with their lives.

As someone who's been in one of those "outstandingly scarce" long standing relationships, here's my take:

Love isn't all you need. Love won't solve all problems. If love is all a couple has going for them, then the relationship is doomed to failure.

The romantic love you describe needs to be underpinned by compatibility, respect and thoughtfulness in order to endure. If any of these things are missing from the relationship, then the romantic love will undoubtedly fail.

Also, if you know 5 couples who are happy in long term relationships, then it's not 'outstandingly scarce'. Outstandingly scarce is the endangered species who is sighted once every 5 years.

Eric just want acceptance. Why try so hard to convince others of your views? If you're truly happy with yourself, you won't care if others don't share your lifestyle.

I don't want to convince anybody. I clearly said everyone has their right to think as they want, we exchange ideas and data and we get to our conclusions. There are people who happy the way they are- be it single/celibate or in a relationship/married, but there is a LARGE number of people who are not happy in either of these and maybe this post or others who completely challenge my point of view will help them decide if it is really worth the time to seek something that, maybe, does not exist, or exists in a very small degree.

I said 5 couples, out of about 40. That makes 5/40 which I consider a very poor fraction. If we take the example of the celebrities, then it would be even more depressing. But anyway, to those of you who believe and experience romantic love, and believe and are sure of their romantic love beyond the four-year lapse of these surveys, congrats. Romantic love, if it really exists, is not for everyone. But of course people decide to either find out for themselves or realize it before being in one and unavoidably fail at the end. It is true, a relationship cannot survive only on romantic love, I am a strong believer that relationships require a lot of things to keep healthy, but society keeps enforcing the idea that sex and other similar things are the core of the relationships, and that no real emotional bonding is necessary. Then, it should not be surprising why so many relationships fail following this mediocre belief. In any case, a physical thing cannot be the core of any relationship, not only romantic ones but even family or friend relationships.

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Originally Posted by Eric_from_Tampa [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I don't want to convince anybody. I clearly said everyone has their right to think as they want, we exchange ideas and data and we get to our conclusions. There are people who happy the way they are- be it single/celibate or in a relationship/married, but there is a LARGE number of people who are not happy in either of these and maybe this post or others who completely challenge my point of view will help them decide if it is really worth the time to seek something that, maybe, does not exist, or exists in a very small degree.

I said 5 couples, out of about 40. That makes 5/40 which I consider a very poor fraction. If we take the example of the celebrities, then it would be even more depressing. But anyway, to those of you who believe and experience romantic love, and believe and are sure of their romantic love beyond the four-year lapse of these surveys, congrats. Romantic love, if it really exists, is not for everyone. But of course people decide to either find out for themselves or realize it before being in one and unavoidably fail at the end. It is true, a relationship cannot survive only on romantic love, I am a strong believer that relationships require a lot of things to keep healthy, but society keeps enforcing the idea that sex and other similar things are the core of the relationships, and that no real emotional bonding is necessary. Then, it should not be surprising why so many relationships fail following this mediocre belief. In any case, a physical thing cannot be the core of any relationship, not only romantic ones but even family or friend relationships.

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I think you'll be hard pressed to find anyone in a happy long term relationship who believes that a relationship can be based on sex or romantic love alone.

Eric Eric, put down all these preconceived notion of what you know about relationships and just enjoy the smell of roses. Even if only a small fraction of couples found eternal love, would you think they care about your statistics and views on it? There is a quote I read somewhere that says "Doubts kill more dreams than failure ever could." I never thought that quote could relate to the pursuit of love but I guess it could in this case.

Yeah, you're probably right man. You should just give up.

Interesting. Pretty much all of my friends (and myself) are in successful happy relationships going on 5-10 years or more. Maybe we're just abnormal.

Romantic love is replaced by a different kind of love over time. One that is far more deep and creates tighter bonds. Having a mutual respect for each other and being happy as individuals also has a lot to do with that. People think they need another person to complete them, but in truth they aren't going to be fulfilled by a partner unless they feel fulfilled as individuals first.

I still hope I'll find that romantic love...

Divorce rates are high because now women can support themselves outside of a marriage when say 60 70 years ago, most women stayed home while the man took care of the finacial end of things. The roles of men and women are now more equal, women have the power to leave an abusive or dead marriage instead of staying put because they don't have a means to support themselves.

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Originally Posted by bluesummer [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Interesting. Pretty much all of my friends (and myself) are in successful happy relationships going on 5-10 years or more. Maybe we're just abnormal.

Romantic love is replaced by a different kind of love over time. One that is far more deep and creates tighter bonds. Having a mutual respect for each other and being happy as individuals also has a lot to do with that. People think they need another person to complete them, but in truth they aren't going to be fulfilled by a partner unless they feel fulfilled as individuals first.

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I would say that what you describe is romantic love, but most people mistake infatuation for romantic love.

No matter how old i get i will always be a hopeless romantic and believer in romantic love, though i have yet to experience myself i have seen it all happen to people all around me. relationships are built on trust, attraction, understanding and a deeper connection.

I don't know HIA.....maybe it's the connotation of 'romantic' versus the definition.

Like a fine bottle of wine or a delicious dinner....it gets finished and comes to an end. Then you anxiously await for the next one.

Wait, you just said that romantic love can last for 5 years and then you said romantic love does not exist. Do you mean romantic love does not last? Because saying it does not exist when it does in fact last for 5 years is a contradiction.

For me, the so called romantic love is a mirage, which lasts about 2-5 years average then depending on the development of the relationship between the couple it can become a real love- a family love. I certainly believe brotherly (friend) love and family (filial) love exist, but I don't think romantic love exists. The closest thing to it is, for me, a mirage, a confusion between sexual desire and friend love. But that is my opinion and I may be wrong, since there is an almost negligible amount of people that seem to display this apparent form of love during all their lives, but I am pretty sure most who display it do not really feel it, and the reason is the way they also fight, argue, and contradict their "love" with a behavior that does not show that love at all. But that is my opinion, and people have all their right to consider what I consider a mirage a reality. Most people say that "every relationship has its problems" but sometimes it is more like an excuse to believe they really love each other when they don't, since most of their time together it's all about arguing, and the only "good" moments are all about cuddling and having sex. For me that's not romantic love. My own opinion. To each its own.