From soul mate to no mate
I need a man's perspective on my situation. I wouldn't mind a woman's either, but I'm trying to understand my ex's behavior so that I can try to move on without anger or resentment. I'm finding it very hard to do that right now.
Let me start by saying that I do not have much experience with dating. I'm 35 years old, female, and for most of my 20s kept myself off the market because I didn't want to get hurt, so I avoided dating or getting involved with anyone for the most part. Now I'm 34 and learning some hard lessons, but it takes me longer to absorb some things apparently.
Here is the story-it is long: My ex and who I will refer to as "A" I met about 4 and a half years ago and I grew to really love. He came into my life about a year after I had ended a short relationship with someone who had lied to me completely, wanted me to get me pregnant, and when it happened, decided he would support the child, but he and i were not going to be together.I will refer to him as ex "R." With ex "R" i wasn't really in love, rather infatuated because he seemed like everything I wanted in a man, but I had some suspicions about him. I didn't go through with the pregnancy for various reasons, and I had been sick at the time. Needless to say, I was a heartbroken mess. I'd gotten better, but I still had some major issues to cope with.
When "A" came into my life, he seemed like a godsend. He was a Christian man, who wanted to be clear that was very importaint in his life. He was so compassionate, understanding and comforting. We were in an actual relationship for 2 years. During those two years i found myself still thinking of the situation with ex "R" and had a few conversations throughout trying to make amends and sort through what happened. Ex "A" did not care for this at all. Not only that, but he did not like that occasionally I liked to go out with friends and have drinks, and he especially did not like that I hugged and kissed a gay friend I had at the time. He said he did not think that people who are in serious relationships should be going out without their partners. He also said that he didnt agree with homosexuality, even though he knows some gay men. He especially did not like my gay friends personality and felt someone who should not be trusted. He felt that by continuing this behavior, i was hurting our relationship. He stuck around and said he'd try to work through his feelings, and to be honest, he seemed to try, but he didnt really express a lot of his internal thinking to me. We would bicker, he would acknowledge there was a problem and say he would try to work on it. THis continued for a while. At the same time, we spent SO much time together. We worked together, he went with me to school, and we lived together. I felt overwhelmed sometimes and was rather bitchy and in a bad mood because I felt stifled and like he was too dependent on me. Eventually he had enough and left. He didnt really want to talk about the whys and the hows. He just said he was sorry and that he cared for me but he needed to be alone. I was devastated. I reflected on how i was and saw that I had been very dismissive to him and wanted to try again. But he wouldnt budge.
After a few months, he cut contact with me, and several months after he started seeing someone else. I found out because he took her into our place of employment to show me. (He later admitted this). I was devastated and decided to move on as best I could. I had still been in touch with ex "R" who had moved out of state and would call and email every so often. When ex "R" came into town he would take me out to dinner and we eventually slept together. I didnt expect anything with him, more than anything I was trying to heal the wound of seeing a man I really loved take his new interest to rub in my face and ex R was a weird comfort because of what we had been through.
Several months later, Ex A starts trying to contact me again. he stated he was sorry for a lot of things he did and he hoped I could forgive him. I said I did. We started talking little by little, and he disclosed that he had female friends that he had been talking to about God etc. For someone who used to tell me that men and women couldnt just be friends, I found that to be a bit odd, but we werent a couple so I left it alone. I found him to be a bit distant this time around. He didnt invite me to family functions or try to keep good communication open the way he did when we were a couple. He said it was because he couldn't trust me; I had hurt him so much when we were together, but I could see he still cared for me. He tried to be very helpful and considerate with me but still kept me at arms length.
We eventually started spending more time together and even sleeping together. He would sleep over and but would not spend the night, or talk about a future. This made me not trust his intentions so after many arguments and lapses of communication, i looked into his cell phone and was devastated by what I found. He had pictures of other women. Some just cheesy provocative pictures women send, but others of boobs and a few porn pictures. Absolutely none of me. I couldnt stop crying but I didnt want to confront him because I felt insane going through his phone. I justified it by saying that we were not an actual couple. A week later while I was away, he was at my apartment and looked through my laptop, which i had loaned him. He saw my journal and what I wrote about sleeping with ex R and how maybe ex A wasn't all that great of a person anyway (this was written shortly after he took that woman to work). It was dumb on my part to leave that on there, but I didnt think he'd snoop through my files. He called me crying on the phone wanting to know details. He said he could no longer be with me because he now felt everything about us had been a lie. I told him about the texts and pictures I found on his phone. He tried to explain them away that those were from the time that he and I were not talking and he had forgotten about them. He had accidentally erased all of my pictures. ? We talked about it and I explained my side about my journal. That those things occured and were written about when he and I were nto talking and I was heartbroken. eventually the dust settled. He admitted he still loved me but just couldnt trust me yet, and just when he was getting close, he found out about me sleeping with my ex.
We were ok for some months, but those same trust issues kept coming up on both our parts. Whenever I wanted to talk about something that bothered me he would shut down and didnt want to talk about feelings or the future, etc. We'd stop talking for a month, and start again. When we would start talking again, he said he'd like to keep me in his life, but that he couldnt promise anything because he couldnt get the fact that I slept with my ex out of his mind. This went on for over a year. Each time, he seemed more and more distant, and he stopped saying "I love you," still didnt ask me to be around his family bbqs. When I asked him if he was around me so he wouldnt be bored, he would say that was ridiculous and that he liked spending time with me. Which I could understand because we laughed a lot and could talk about anything, except his feelings. He'd always shut down when it came to that after we broke up. As a result i would internalize a lot of my frustations. He didnt want to tell me why he was being short with me or annoyed, and I felt I couldnt ask. I tried to be more pleasant and do what he wanted.Despite the fact that we could be so good together, I felt resentment building up on both our parts.
Toward the end, our evenings consisted of staying in and watching movies. He didnt care to do things we used to anymore like go to movies or out to eat. Despite that, as recently as 4 weeks ago we were talking about moving in together and taking trips. he seemed all for it. But he'd also been a lot more secretive about his phone.He had a lock on it, and got very defensive when I asked him about who he was texting so much. He had been more easily annoyed, and snipping for little things. And when I asked he'd get annoyed most of the time and say he was getting a headache. one evening about 3 and a half weeks ago, we bickered over something stupid and he just got up and left. He went totally cold. He didnt talk to me at work, he didnt call or try to contact me. i didnt contact him either because I was seeing the writing on the wall. Part of me suspects he had already been talking to someone. Not dating because he was always with me, but at least talking and texting. The no contact was ok at first. I wanted to keep my distance and was ok for most of it, but have started missing him again. In the past no matter what, if he knew I needed him, he'd be there and that is the comforting part of him I loved so much. It also bothered me that we left off without any discussion about it. No explanations, no reasons, no sense of closure.
This past weekend I went to a retreat to try to deal with the trauma of my pregnancy. It was very emotional, and I sent him a text thanking him for being there for me thru that difficult time in my life. he replied with a simple, "I'm glad you are getting some good out of the retreat. I know it's the worst thing that's happened to you. Sorry I couldnt talk to you. I wish you the best." I texted him back asking him why he couldn't talk to me? even if it was to say goodbye and its hard at first, closure helps one to move on. He didnt respond. i called him yesterday as well and he ignored my two calls. I was so angry and hurt. I wanted to just talk to him to understand why. why did he just leave like that on that day? what did I do that made it impossible for a relationship between us to work. why couldnt he just tell me if he met someone else and wanted to move on. Why take the easiest and cruelest way out to just freeze me out like that. Especially when I have to see him almost every day at work. He didnt respond. I was so angry that I sent him a message telling him i could not believe that after all wed been through that was the route he took. I called him some names and said I'd never contact him again. And I wont. But now I'm left with this anger and hurt. Why couldn't he just tell me to move on because he didn't feel that same way. I'm finding it hard to put things in perspective and to move on without being bitter for feeling used by someone I thought was such a good person. I guess what i want to understand is, if our relationship was so good at one point that he called me his soul mate, why would a man go cold like that after so many years without a real actual argument this time? I wasnt mean to him in fact I tried to be very good to him by cooking at times, massaging him after long days, etc.I always wanted to believe the best in him and see the good despite people telling me he was keeping his options open and stringing me along in case those dont pan out. He knows I still love him. I'm so hurt by this.
I have so many questions:
Why is he ignoring me now?
Why couldnt he tel me his reasons for not wanting to be ina relationship with me? or at least tell me he didn't want to be in a relationship with me instead of skirting around the issue?
Why couldn't he give our relationship a real try?
What happened to the man who loved me so intensely at one time?
What is the likelyhood that he is now moving on to another woman?
Any thoughts on this would be appreciated.
