You ain't seen crazy until you read this..
I just had an epiphany. I've been in a toxic relationship for over 2 years. On and off. I know he loves me. He knows I love him. We fight. We argue. We break up. We move on. We come back together.
I've had drama the last few weeks with some phone calls from some kids. My boyfriend, who is 41, knocked 10 years off his age and got involved in some text/phone flirting with a 19 year old. For two months he and I have been talking about going all in. Moving in together.
The drama? Teenage kids calling me and telling me that my boyfriend doesn't want me...doesn't want to be with me. Asking if I have seen him lately. That he is cheating on me.
I ask my boyfriend and he tells me no. Not happening. But the one thing this man could never do is be completely faithful. He texts, facebooks, calls and speaks wtih women he is interested in all the time and I could never figure out why he would do this and then say he loved me.
I just figured it out. He went through a horrible divorce. In many ways he still isn't over it. The one thing that drives me utterly insane is that he takes the opposing view of everything I say or want.
One silly example: He once talked about a store having good cupcakes. I later was on the phone with him and was walking into the store to buy these cupcakes when he proclaimed they were crap. Homemade is better. My dream vehicle is a Chevrolet Avalanche. He says it's the ugliest thing he's ever seen. I wanted to go to Gatlinburg. He wanted to go to Knoxville. I wanted to go to Knoxville. He wanted to go to Corbin. (These are all local towns, guys.)
When talking about us he has many times been in the process of saying we can make this work but when I say the same he instantly takes the opposing view. "I don't know how it could work...we've tried our best." If I agree that we have tried all we could he will oppose me again. Tell me that he loves me and doesn't want to lose me. The better I am to him the more distant he becomes. So I am resorted to not pushing myself on him. I rarely call or text and let him makes all the first moves.
I want him to be faithful. He says he can't or won't. Today he said something and it hit me. He said that him giving up conversations with women he has been interested in is just doing whatever *I* want and he isn't going to just give in to me. But he doesn't want me doing the same and for the most part says he doesn't flirt...until he's busted.
The thing is I know he loves me. And maybe I'm just not thinking clearly but his opposing everything that I say is his way of protecting his heart. His ex-wife walked out on him. He was crushed. Is he just in the mindset that doing anything for me is giving in and he could end up hurt making that commitment? Or is this just me grasping at straws?
I want to suggest that we just date. And that he can talk to whomever he wishes but until what time he chooses to commit fully to me I will do the same...but even that action would eat at his insecurities. I just don't know what to do...I'm not ready to walk away. I want him to know I won't hurt him. But at the same time I don't want to be hurt anymore.
