ex broke up with me recently twice in 3 weeks (she is under much stress), I want her
Hello everyone. I'm hurt and a bit confused, hopefull and dumb. I fell in complete love with this girl. I met her after a buddy invited me to a hockey game one Sat evening last December. Funny how we met. After playing a pickup soccer game with my friend he told me that a buddy of his canceled on a group event he had set up with new class mates from his Grad school he just had gotten into. He told me to go, the ticket was cheap so I said yes. Later that day I didn't feel like going because I was really tired. but I mustered up the will to go to the game, we were supposed to meet up at a Fridays restaurant before the game to pregame have some drinks. I showed up About an hour later and everybody was already there. About 20 people, couples and single people. I sat down in the middle of the table next to my friend as I knew no one there but him. We drank we talked and then it was time to go to the game. I was one of the last ones to leave because my friend, the host, stayed last to make sure everyone knew where to go. In doing so I was talking to him outside of the restaurant. After a few minutes I left to my car and this is where the Cute part of the story happens. As I sat behind the wheel looking at my phone. Someone opens my passenger side door. I look over and it's a beautiful girl standing there. I was confused, she tells me, youre friends with so and so, he said it's okay for me to go with you because there isn't much room in his small truck. (He picked her up with her sister and two other people.) I looked over to my friend and he just gave me a nod of approval. I smiled and said it was fine. After that we spent the whole game sitting together, talking, went to a bar after a game, and I took her and her sister home. That night we made out for an hour and I got her number to ask her out later. She later admitted that she noticed me inside the restaurant and outside, she said she automatically felt attracted to me. So she asked my friend if she could jump in my truck, she said a little alcoholic encouragement helped as well, she is shy.
After that we clicked and saw each other regularly. The reason why I told u guys that story was to show you a little about how we started.
I later found out that she had just broken up with her ex 2 months prior (2 years together). And before getting with that ex a few months prior she ended her relationship with her first "real" BF (4 years) She is a school girl, never really partied hard, just studying. She is very smart, she is 27 I'm 25 and she is In her last year of her Masters Degree in a very prestige ivy league school. Lost her virginity at 20 with her first BF. I'm her 3rd man she has ever had sex with, and her 3rd real BF. Big family still lives with parents and all siblings.
After a few months of dating I asked her to be my girl, she said she couldn't because she was scared and felt not ready to be in a real relationship so fast. She told me she cared for me a lot, that I showed her everything she wanted from the priors but never received. I was the first to take her to what she called a real official first date (planned dinner/activity *iceskating*/drinks), flowers, gifts, etc but she wasn't ready yet. I still kept seeing her. After 5 months she was leaving overseas for a month (school trip) before she left she told me she wanted me to be her BF now. after she came back we told each other we loved each other. She told me i was evwrything she looked for, i was the sweetest, loving caring man she ever met and never wanted to lose me. In Sept when school started again for her (last year) she started getting very busy. She had a full schedule of school, internship, family and friends. I Got To See Her Less And less.
Sex was awesome but towards the end she started to act weird. She did everything, all positions, oral, she even enjoyed anal- play. We had sex outdoors. She is adventures with sex. A real "lady on the streets, freak in the sheets". At first she would give me oral without me asking.. then when I told her why she didn't do it. She told me that she doesn't enjoy it cause it hurts her (I'm big but not huge) and that she hates the taste but before she never told me these things. So she created a problem before telling me, she made to look like a **** because insisted on her performing an act that was uncomfortable for her. Which is not the truth. I gave her oral all the time I just asked the favor in return. She never told me the reasons why she didn't want to do it anymore and this is how all the problems started really.
Now the other issues I had with her: she showed me less attention now. I still took her out bought her flowers showed her attention and affection but she showed it less to me. So subconsciously I started to do less of all that and felt less appreciated. And she called me out on it which made me mad, made me look at her as selfish. She wanted to spend all her time with her school friends (her only friends she hung out with) and never really wanted to hang with my friends. She only met like two of my friends in the 10 months we were together. I met her friends like 3 times. It was awkward situations. We didn't have much in common. I'm a blue collar worker and they are full time career students. They didn't make any effort to talk to me and I didn't make the effort to talk to them (I know I should have) and she made a big deal of it like I didn't care about her friends and about our relationship to try. The real reason was that many of of her friends are extreme liberals and my career choice is in L.E. so I already knew how they felt from past instances. I and was so mad that she never wanted to hang with my friends that i presented that with her friends. I'm kind of a shy person. It takes a short while to open up to strangers specially without my career choices (My mistake)
She is very emotionally unstable, she cries a lot, and gets many panic attacks from just scaring herself about how things might turn out. She had for months now been dealing with a medical problem with her kidneys and digestive track. That doctors haven't been able to pinpoint what is the problem yet. She used to have a lot of pain in her kidneys, over time that pain subsided but the stress still stayed.
It just came into light things that she says that bothers her about me and can't get over, that annoy her, that infuriate her and that she needs to be happy and not feeling these things. (The fact that I don't talk much with her friends even though I've hang with them only 3 times, how I mutter under my breath profanities when someone cuts me off, I don't really listen to her because I don't change when she tells me my wrongs, that I'm stubborn and don't like to be wrong, i didnt talk to her enough (boring), That i wasnt supportive enough in everything she did and needed me to be in. Which makes me dumbfounded as I felt like I was very supportive with the affection I showed her and gave her/took her out. She now claims that its too much for her with school and our relationship problems that she has too much stress. She now claims that there is no connection between us. But she was the one that asked me to be her boyfriend, told me she loved me every day, but now there is no connection. She told me she wanted a man that would fight for her love no matter what. I am that man and i have fought. She told me she wanted to have me as the man beside her as she went through her struggles and achievements.
3 weeks ago is when she told me via phone that she thinks we shouldnt be together. Doesnt feel like a there is a relationship left between us. But then after I threw all her faults at her and tried to fight for her show her that still wanted her still love her madly. She sent me this text after I told her I want to fix all this with us, was the following: " I'm sorry I do love u and miss u and would want to see u, but I just don't think I can be with u or anyone. I can't handle it." She said she needed time alone to know what it feels like to be alone.
A few days later she texted me she felt very bad about us and felt very guilty. She was crying and apologizing and she she wanted to be comforted by me. A few days later we went out again. Had a really good outing.. The attraction was still there, I picked her up and right when I saw her we kissed passionately and embraced told each other we miss each other, love each other. Drinks at the end and we ended up in my bed having passionate sex, she even stayed over. I brought her coffee to her house a few times through out the week to show her i could appreciate she needed time to herself to get her work done (she stated before i never appreciated that she needed time for her work) For the next few days we talk and text calling each other "Baby, babe, I love you, my love, etc." .. on This last week on Thursday. She had just turned in 5 papers at school she was really stressed out. So I texted her to come over to my house that evening. I had candles, wine, her favorite ice cream and a massage waiting for her. She loved it. She came over. I gave her the massage, she told me I was doing it Too hard so I did it lighter and we ended with sex, again she stayed over and had sex in the morning. My birthday was this Sunday. 3 days after that massage, she already had plans to go on a camping trip all weekend with schoolmates. She told me Sorry I will miss your birthday but i have to go. I was bummed but I told her I understand. We didnt talk through the weekend as she was camping.
On my Bday I receive I gift delivered. With a card saying:
"Hey Babe!, I know I'm not here today but I just want to let you know that you were on my mind and I want to wish you Happy Birthday by sending you a little something to munch on. I love you and I'll see you soon! XOXOXO <3"
The next day i receive a "Good morning, I'm on my way back home" text from her .
I call her an she doesn't respond. Then a few hours later she sends me the following text:
" I did a lot of thinking this weekend and a lot of self reflection and I know that the timing is really bad, but I need to let u know that I can't continue seeing you. I broke things off and in a moment of vulnerability I let you back in my life, but I can no longer be with you. I know we aren't back together but it seemed like that's what u wanted and I thought that maybe I wanted it too, but I don't. I cant be with you. I am sorry but I don't see a relationship existing between you and myself any longer. I know I'm being a coward by texting you this, but please accept this as the truth and as my last decision. I dont mean to sound so cold hearted but last time i was not direct and clear and i left you thinking that there was still hope of us being together. I hope you will forgive me for this. Please don't call me back. I have been receiving your phone calls and I cannot talk u right now. I hadn't fully decided this but when I started packing my things frm camping I got the worst panic attack I've ever had and it was bcuz I knew I was gonna go home and was probably going to see you. If you are going to text me back saying mean things please dont contact me. I want to remember u as a sweet loving guy n not a ****. Again, i apologize for this, but I will give you back your things at both of our earliest conveniences. I'm sorry that it was ur birthday yesterday. I was already thinking this way on thurs and I had bought u that before that bcuz I was feeling it, but after thurs I didnt feel things were right. This weekend I prayed a lot and was a lone a lot and I knew that I needed to be alone. I felt the panic attack bcuz I knew I was gonna hurt u, especially bcuz it was ur bday."
I asked her what changed so fast I thought we were moving forward? ?
She then said:
" I was feeling uncomfortable after u told me u wanted to take things slow and yet u were already counting on me staying with u. I told u I wanted to figure things out and talk about us before we moved forward and then u did this grand gesture, which was sweet, but I saw the list u had on the clipboard and it just scared me bcuz u had made the decision I'd b with u. Then I was frustrated at the fact that when u were massaging me, u were hurting me and I was trying to tell u this but ur need to b right and tell me that u know and that ur getting to that, prevented me frm telling u how I was feeling."
I replied with:
" So u got scared about something I had written out a long time go. I was going through that list remembering things I never did with you. I always had those things planned out. Those were the ones I never did. I did want to take things slow with you. Sorry I felt like things were moving forward. Afterall you did start calling me "baby, babe, my love, I love you, etc". I just wanted to make sure I didnt **** up again and I had things ready in case you decided to come back to me. I gave you a massage with a hard touch because last time I gave you a massage you complained I wasn't applying enough pressure..."
I then called her, she answered and we talked for almost an hour.
She repeated the same things again she previously told me about my flaws. ? I asked her why she had sex with me if she felt uncomfortable me?? She said that she is really attracted to me and cant shut that off but she needs more than attraction. I asked what should we do. Cut u completely? She told me that she wants me to still contact her cause she loves me and cares for me still. And doesn't want me out of her life. We ended the conversation there.
I texted her that night (yesterday) after getting on this site and reading about the No Contact rule the following:
" you know what is true, i wasnt the best that i should have been. I was not a good lover as i could not realize my own flaws that ended up hurting us. You need your space and time to be alone, irrespective of your reason, I accept, just know that I am here for you, I care about you, i still love you and I am willing to walk away."
She replied the next morning with:
"Thank You for that"
I haven't contacted her yet at all. No reply. And she hasn't texted anything else. She still has my belongings that are too expensive to leave behind. She got me something for my Birthday. Should I send her flowers on her brithday??. It's in 5 weeks.
I love her deeply and I know she is very stressed out with anxiety over school. Is this really over?? Should I wait with the NC rule to see if she comes back?? She will be in winter vacation in December for the whole month. She will have a long time without stressful work/school??
What do u guys think??
Thanks!! for reading this long post.
