Bad Relationship(s) have left me Broken
Hey everyone, long time lurker and I finally worked up the courage to bring my problem forth. I originally wrote this out and after reflecting on it it was about 30 paragraphs long and I figured I'd simply restart and leave only key information in.
I've been heartbroken and emotionally broken for the last 2 months and it's all because of my last two relationships. I'll try to keep this as short and straight forward as possible.
I'm 23 years old now and the start of all this starts when I was 20.
I met my EX girlfriend 3 years ago at my workplace, she was 17 at the time. She was my first everything, sex, serious relationship and first person I've ever loved. The relationship started on a bad note, I was essentially a rebound and eventually when she got over sadness and depression she started partying a lot, drinking, flirting and going to bars without me. We broke up because of this and maintained a year long "Platonic" friendship. I still stayed in her life solely because I loved her and within this year long friendship I did everything imaginable to win her back and care for her. Picked her up at 3am in the morning at bars, took care of her when she was sick, drove her around, financially helped her and emotionally was there for her always. I could go on and on about all the stuff I did for this girl but we'd be here all day. While I maintained this relationship she at the same time was sleeping with numerous guys, in a on and off relationship with another all while I stood on the sidelines watching. It killed me inside and one night I told her I couldn't do it anymore and I removed myself from her life for my own Happiness. I knew it was the right decision for myself and I stuck to it for a month.
A month later she reached out to me and told me everything I wanted to hear, that she made a mistake, didn't realize what she had and that she wanted to be with me. Against my family and friends advice and even my own, I got back with her. Her friends and family where beyond happy because they knew how good I was to her. Things had changed in the relationship this time around, however she was still selfish and everything was always about her. Although there was no more problems with her partying or drinking all the time a new addiction had risen. She was smoking weed all the time and was constantly high. It was easy to deal with at first, but eventually you realize how much someone changes when they are consistently on a drug. We had many fights and arguments because of this and she refused to listen or make a change. The deal breaker was when I started noticing she'd not eat all day because she couldn't afford food.. but would go buy 50$ of weed a week.
In the end, we mutually broke up. We weren't compatible because we lived different lifestyles and I constantly felt like I was nothing more than a support system. It was difficult and I was sad afterwards.. but after pumping so much energy and NEVER giving up on her I had to give up on her and i was at peace with this. A month after our break up I heard she was already dating another guy as well, it's a bit gutting knowing someone you love moves on so quickly after. It's been 6 months now, we have NO CONTACT and I haven't heard from her in about 2 months.
3 Months later I met another girl who was a part of my friend group, I wasn't looking for a relationship or any girl but she literally just happened. We honestly connected so greatly and everything was just easy and effortless. I fell pretty fast for this girl and never thought I'd find someone else so compatible so soon. She had a boyfriend at the time who she essentially broke up with to be with me (Red flag right here). Our relationship advanced very quickly after she broke up with her boyfriend and from my past experience with my EX this scared me. I felt like I was walking down the same road again and it scared me. I refused to have sex with her till I knew she was over her boyfriend (She was religious and had only ever slept with him). She was lost and I could tell, she even cut herself at one point and I knew things where really screwed up. Eventually I told her the best thing for her was to spend time alone, to figure out what she wants and to be alone. I told her I had been down this road before and I didn't want to go through the same thing again. She agreed that it was a good idea... but she ended up just getting back with her boyfriend a few weeks later.
I had no one to blame but myself but it was really difficult to see someone I actually really liked just disappear and go back to her boyfriend. For the last two months it's a consistent reminder anytime I see her of pain. She and her boyfriend are now part of my friend group and I see her with him at least once a week. It's difficult and there's still a connection between us that I and even our mutual friends can see.
The reason that I'm writing you all this is so you can understand how I'm feeling.... I feel emotionally and physically drained. For the last 3 years of my life I've taken care of my EX girlfriend emotionally and physically, I never gave up on her and constantly put her happiness before mine. I ended that relationship and simply ended up in another bad relationship that only lasted a month but was just as screwed up.
I have hobbies and I have other girls interested in me. However I realize I'm not mentally capable of a relationship now and I cant return any emotional feelings to any girls I've gone on dates with. I've been debating talking to a specialist but I figured this is the best place to start. Is all this normal? I feel completely drained. My own diagnose of myself would be that I gave so much to my EX girlfriend that she completely drained me.. and getting into another bad relationship right after with another girl who required just as much destroyed me. I just can't ever imagine being that man again... giving so much of myself and my happiness for another person. It's like this whole experience has changed me for the worst.
I don't understand why after 5-6 Months I'm now missing my EX so much. I wish I was lying.. but I honestly go to bed every night and spend 2 hours just thinking of my EX and I dream about her and wake up feeling worse. I don't understand, she was terrible and selfish with me.. I don't want her back I don't understand why 6 months later I'm having these issues. I know I still love her but I've been taking every step to properly get over her and it just seems like it's not working. I feel like I have a lot to say to her and some people have told me asking her for closure and talking to her might help?
Has anyone experienced this and what can I do to help myself?
Thanks for your time and comments, you're really helping me out.
