My girlfriend's bisexual(?) past is haunting me [long read]
I love this girl more than anything. Last thing I want in the world is losing her but as of late, my faith is slowly dying. And the reason for that is not really her but my apparent incapability of accepting her the way she is.
We’ve been together for almost 3 months now, and for it being my very first serious relationship, we’re not really taking things slow. We tell each other everything, we’re spending almost each day together and we have a pretty decent sex life. I’ve had nothing more than a random make-out, simple touching and a single blowjob before meeting her. I’ve been with around 10 girls in total but I’ve never actually had a real relationship with any of them and thus I’ve had no feelings for them whatsoever. I’ve been in love a couple of times but the feeling has never been as complete and it never worked out nonetheless. She is my first love indeed. Her character is absolutely amazing and her looks are perfect. There’s nothing I actually dislike in her. It’s just that she’s acting strange sometimes (as she herself is not really used to being in a serious relationship) and her sexual orientation (and the past related to it) that’s bugging me so much.
We’ve talked about it a lot and she doesn’t really think of herself as bisexual as she couldn’t imagine her marrying another girl. She says that she prefers men by far as that’s what’s natural. She thinks that there’s a reason there are two sexes out there and that not only couldn’t a girl completely complement her but being with another woman was pretty boring as they couldn’t really have actual sex. She admits, though, that she is sexually attracted by other girls, she isn’t sure if she’s actually had any feelings for a girl before, though she’s been pretty obsessed with one particular model over the internet... (Though she doesn’t think it really counts as she didn’t really know her in person). She confessed that sometimes she feels more active and fantasizes about girls, not boys. She’s made out with girls quite a few times, she’s even had a relationship with one, and though she’s been virgin and hasn’t really let anyone even touch her she’s had oral sex twice and not with boys but girls. The homo relationship she’s had has lasted for about 3 months and even though she hasn’t been in love with this girl, it has been pretty much obsessed with her. She’s told me such stories that make me feel very uncomfortable. Two days ago the two of them even texted each other on Facebook about some pics of the other girl’s boobs my girlfriend is still keeping somewhere printed... Not to mention that 90% of the people in my girlfriend’s circle of friends are bisexual and they’ve been together to numerous strip clubs, gay parades and such. Knowing this makes me rather uneasy.
It’s not like I’m homophobic. It’s actually quite the contrary. I’ve always supported LBGT people, if they don’t show off too much of course. In my opinion everyone should have the freedom to do whatever he wants and feels like and love is not an exception. Even I, myself has watched a ton of gay porn in the past, have fantasized about some muscular guys and such but it’s been mostly because I’m too damn sexual and that I’ve found it pretty perverted which has aroused me. But I’ve never actually felt anything for another man and have never felt like making out with one. To me women have always been the most gracious and beautiful things that have ever existed, and even though I believe that sexual orientation is more of a wide spectrum I personally find myself rather heterosexual.
I admit though, two girls making out has always been the thing that arouses me the most. I’ve always dreamt of having a FFM threesome, an orgy and stuff like that, and I’ve never actually believed that such thing can be this repulsive when it comes to people I love.
I’m trying to tell myself that this is just in the past and that if it hasn’t been this way, now she wouldn’t be the person I’m so madly in love with but apparently it doesn’t work out well. She’s constantly adding some random people which she thinks are “cool” on Facebook, all her male friends have been or are in love with her but apparently she doesn’t really mind that and strongly believes that male-female friendships are possible. And even this doesn’t make me as jealous as her past does. She’s telling me that for the first time in her life she feels someone’s lips like that. She says that she’s always kissed simply for the sake of sexual arousal and that it has never felt as pleasant as it is with me. She’s also told me that she hasn’t ever loved anyone quite like she loves me. I’m 100% sure that what she says is true but her past doesn’t stop haunting me.
Not to mention that I’ve abandoned my whole sexuality because of her. I hardly ever give other girls the eye. All other women are actually quite irrelevant to me. She doesn’t only comment on every second boy but she does twice as much on girls. All I hear from her is “oh, she’s so cool”, “hmm, not my type”, “wow, she’s so beautiful”, “nice tits”, “nice ass”, etc. There was even one time when she was quite drunk and she scolded something in the lines of “I’ll lick her all” about some singer. She’s constantly showing me some women and asks me which I like the most and all I want to tell her is that I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THEM, I really don’t, as she is the only one for me. That doesn’t simply hurt me but it also doesn’t really help with me getting over her past. It actually makes things even worse. Picturing her with someone else drives me crazy and brings me an almost physical pain. And even though I have complete trust in her, lately I’m starting to wonder “what if she’s feeling active sometimes when we have sex and starts fantasizing about some girl so that she can orgasm”. I’m starting to wonder if I’m actually enough for her, knowing that she likes to squeeze woman breasts.
To be honest, I have quite the low self-esteem and it may be in the center of all this jealousy. I may have also developed a slight homophobia since my childhood experiences (gay porn and stuff like that...). I don’t know what the main reason behind all this is and have absolutely no idea how to fix it. I don’t even know if talking to her about this will do any good. If I am to suffer because of her I think it will be worth it. But despite all I want to do my best to eliminate all the unnecessary pain. All I know is that I won’t leave her no matter what, be it in the form of a husband, boyfriend or simply a friend (I highly hope it’s the first one). Whatever happens, I’ll be next to her, unless she wants otherwise. It may sound pretty absurd for a 3-months-long relationship but that’s the way I feel about her. Sorry, I just had to share this somewhere so I could cool off. Still, if you happen to have had a similar experience and can give me some sort of advice I’ll gladly hear it and really appreciate it. Thanks in advance!
