Please help me, I'm so lost
I may not act my age, I may have been weird,. But the girl I was with, she understood me. We understood each other. I tried my hardest to be the best boyfriend I could be for her. Telling her how she’s the princess in the tower and I’m her knight in shining armor. At the renaissance fair I had her wait one second because I had a saw a flower lady with her favorite flower and so I had bought it for her and she spent the whole day sniffing it and blushing. Then about 8-9 month into the relationship she starts having problems with her parents getting a divorce, her grades slipping. I supported her the best I could but the best wasn’t good enough for her.
She broke up with me 2 weeks before Christmas. Christmas of the year before was where I first asked her out (where she said no actually, but then later confessed that she panicked and that she actually did have feelings back) The thing I most remember from our relationship was the plan to go on a adventure after we graduate, never had that happen to me before.
I tried being supportive after the break up, trying to be her friend. It was really unfair because she would still tell me she loved me. Then one day, when I was going on about all the stuff I was able to accomplish that day with her one of my friends showed me some messages that she had said to her. Stuff like she’s already moved on, that she doesn’t want to date a pussy like me, that she’s tired of wearing the pants of the relationship, that she wanted a man not a boy. I felt broken… Like my whole world had shattered. I was angry, hurt, and confused so I sent a nasty message. The next day her friend slaps me and then tells me how she was crying all night so I apologized because I knew I took it too far. She told me she was kidding, that she didn’t mean it. I tried to believe it, even though I knew she was lying. I apologized so many times hoping that she’d forgive me. She never did. She didn’t meet my eye when we were with a group and ignored everything I said, like I didn’t exist. It made me feel terrible, knowing that we used to love each other, that we were happy.
She’s blocked me on Facebook. I tried and tried to make things right but she just wouldn’t forgive me. Then one day she told me that she’ll forgive me if I never talk to her again. So I waited, I waited while one of my friends decided to make a move on her. I hid my feelings as I saw them flirting right in front of me. I hid the tears when I saw her smile at him. I swallow a sob when my friends tell me that she’s moved on, that she’s in love with my friend. All because I wanted her to be happy and that I knew if she saw I was still hurting she wouldn’t be happy.
Now these days her relationship with my friend is still flirtatious but not as much as it was, I avoided the group for a few weeks, talking to other group members when she wasn’t around. I thought I was better, that I had moved on. So I had rejoined the group, with her present. She still ignored me but kept glancing over at me. I was perturbed so I continued showing up for a few more times. Each time I’d find her looking at me, and as soon as I caught her she’d look away. My heart started hoping for so many things even though my brain told it to stop.
Then a couple days later she gets asked to prom by a senior that she is friends with. I kept losing to myself saying it was a good thing even though I hurt so much.I tried to judge her reaction about being asked and whatnot and was suprised to find that she was indifferent. Like it didn’t really matter to her. Then I kinda but not really watched how she was with the senior and as far as I could tell they were just friends. Unless he felt something she didn’t.
She started looking at me more, sometimes not breaking eye contact but me instead breaking it. Then one day as I was calling one of my friends over she just looks at me and gives me a smile, a smile I hadn’t seen since we had dated, when we were alone. Truth be told my brain was overheated and my heart was beating like a jackhammer. I tried to get her out of my head but couldn’t no matter how much I tried. So I decided to send her a text, see if she wanted to talk, she is Stage manager and I’m an actor so it’s normal for me to have her number. I sent her a text and was suprised by a quick response. I texted her for 30 min-an hour before I cut the conversation off. She had been businesslike, not open, which I figured to be normal because of everything that I had happened.
The next day I tried texting her again and again she responded. This time with one word responses, like yes and no and idk sometimes longer but not much. I tested her two days after and got no response at all. I’m worried now though, I’m worried about what may happen at prom because of all the rumors like virginity being lost and other things of that nature. I don’t want her to make a mistake she is going to regret for the rest of her life. I care about her and I want her to be happy. That’s why I never told her I still love her and I want to text her, to to tell her that I’ll be here for her, through rain, sleet, and snow so if she was going home with a under the influence driver because she doesn’t have a license that I’ll ride my bike(because both her and I are sophmores so prom isn’t for us) to the state house where prom is being held or wherever she may be and takeher hom e. I just don’t see the purpose. I wanted to tell her these things but I’m scared if I do I’m going to scare her off before things get fixed. I know we will probably never be in a relationship but if I’m able to just be there, just be there for her when she needs someone most, I’ll be happy.
She went to prom and I said nothing. I ended up finding a photo of her on a mutual friend on Facebook. Now normally when you dress up you put makeup on and lipstick to impress a date but she wasn't wearing any. So I was relieved because I knew she wasn't going to do anything, and she was in good company. I've been trying to text her but now she doesn't respond at all. How do I salvage it? Do I isolate myself again? Do I try even harder? Should I just give up? Am I wasting my time
Better?/what should I take out
