Problems With Sex

Hey all, just looking for a bit of advice really.

I've been with my boyfriend for nearly three years and we're very much in love. Before I met him I was with a man for 8 years...an alcoholic who lost his sex drive about 2 years into our relationship. He was quite abusive, both physically and mentally, he put me down a lot and rejected any kind of advances to the point where we didn't sleep in the same bed, didn't kiss or even flirt. I thought when he stopped drinking his sex drive would come back, but 4 years into our "relationship", he stopped drinking, his sex drive didn't come back. Every time I would try to initiate anything I was pushed away, he told me he had no interest in sex whatsoever and so I should stop trying to initiate anything with him and deal with t. So I learnt not to want/expect/initiate it over time and it kinda became normal to shut off those feelings. As you can imagine, I lost a lot of confidence, thought it must be be...he didn't fancy me any more or whatever...I asked him every few months to go see the doctor, see if he could get help...he never did. It was a really messed up relationship and towards the end I had no confidence whatsoever and was really miserable, I felt desperate for some attention and intimacy...but by this stage, not with him, so I ended up dumping him, finally.

After that things were great, I had a couple of "flings" and a lot of my sexual confidence came back. Before I met my ex I had a very high sex drive, loved to flirt and be adventurous and experiment, I really had no issues at all with sex.

Then I met my boyfriend. He's just the most wonderful guy. He tells me several times a day he loves me, I feel completely secure in our relationship and the future we have planned, but when it comes to sex, I suck, BIG time. I do not know what's wrong with me. I have no confidence at ALL, to the point where it paralyses me...I cannot initiate sex, ever. The first few months were good...but slowly, and it seems to be as I fell in love with him and started to care about what he thought about me, I just can't do it. I never initiate it...even when I want it I won't tell him. When he initiates it, I tell him no, even though I want it...when we do do it I feel awkward, clumsy, embarrassed and insecure about myself. I love it and he's great in bed, but I can't let myself relax or let myself go...it's like this little voice in my head telling me I'm not attractive, that it'll put him off me, that if I initiate it he might say no and reject me, that I'm not good enough...I just feel so anxious, even when I want it and even when I'm enjoying it, this little voice in my head won't go away. I won't ever do it in the day light, I push him away. Everything else in our relationship is near enough perfect and I know it's my fault that the intimate side of things isn't so good.

I hate it! I just feel really messed up. He says he doesn't mind that I don't initiate it but does wonder why, and I don't know how to explain it to him without sounding nuts.

How do I get my confidence back?

I think you'd do well to see a therapist about this, Jess. There appears to be a deep seated negative thought process going on within that therapy would help you to overcome.

Have you ever been sexually abused?

Who deleted the other thread on this? I was replying to it and it got deleted. =)

Sexual desire is different with each person. You will react differently depending on the chemistry with the other person. Either its there or it isnt. You cant force it. It happens or it doesnt. Sexual activity involves just as much the brain as the genitals. A good lover works on the mental part as well. The mental barriers must be taken off along with the clothes. He doesnt know how to do it or you are not letting him. You sound like you just need a more dominant man to break down your walls or an extremely tender one.

your ex is still stuck in your head, and is holding you back, if you can shake that a-hole from your thoughts you'd be ok with your current bf. you are thinking too much and can't let go. do you never just kiss him out of the blue? if you do, that is you initiating, so go from there, you would need to do much because he will take over. you can do it in the day just pull the blinds, lmao if its the light blaring in that bothers you or is it more about day sex isn't normal to you?

That sounds crazy and there must be more to the story than you are telling us.
Why do you feel insecure with your boyfriend in bed? You have been with him for 3 years, so you both should be able to walk naked in the room in the daylight and not be embarrassed about it or insecure at all. Unless...perhaps you gained weight? That is the only logical answer I can think of, otherwise if you turn him on, which from your story, you clearly do, then I really don't see why you are feeling insecure when it comes to sex.
You have to really think of what makes you have these feelings, otherwise it's plain crazy and you just need to see the doctor, there is no other way about it.