When you know how you're gonna end up and still do it...

This is going to be a long one. But let’s start in the beginning.
Girl L
I’ve had a relationship for three years. Three, almost four. Had. It’s over, we’re done, I broke up with her. The first 2 years of our relationship were truly awesome, and I don’t regret a single moment of it. Our third and last year.. kinda wasn’t. Lots of fights. I always told myself that our relationship ended because of these fights. And because of my never ending jealous feelings. No, I wasn’t jealous when she got along with other guys. I was jealous because we weren’t given equal chances by our parents. You see,I’ve always wanted to become a pilot. She always wanted to become a GP. I wasn’t given the chance to try, because of financial reasons. She was. And I was jealous, bitter. And I believe that this is one of the main causes why we broke up.
Enter girl A
I’ve been in the air cadets for three years now. Entering my fourth. Basically, the air cadets is some sort of a youth movement (i'd place a link to the wikipedia page, but since i'm a new member, i'm not allowed to.). For those aged between 15 and 21. What they do is simple. The give young people a chance to fly glider aircraft for little to no expense. It’s all set in a army like environment. They organise flying camps and international exchanges. I was lucky enough to take part in one of these exchanges last summer. I was sent to Germany for 2 weeks. And ooh boy did I have fun. Some of the best weeks in my life. I got along with girl A really well. It was as if we had known each other for a billion years by the time we had to go home. And every1 had noticed that we got along so well. most people in travelling group were convinced we were going to become a couple. We never did. She didn’t feel that kind of attraction towards me and neither did I towards her. I was still in a relationship with girl l.
Some of you might think; What happens in vegas stays in vegas. But that’s not how my mind works. When I was a child, I saw what cheating can do to someone. My father cheated on my mother and… she went suicidal. Luckily, she never found the courage to do it.But She stood up and fought, for my sister and me. Because I’ve seen how much pain cheating can cause, I swore to myself never to cheat on my girlfriend. And so I did. I didn’t cheat on girl L, I never did. I’ve never even kissed another girl but her.
Besides being such a great friend, Girl A did a few other things for me. She taught me a few things about relationships. Things I already knew, but had forgotten about. One of them is that in order to have a successful relationship, both partners have to be happy by their own.
Enter girl I.
After these two weeks in paradise, three weeks in a different paradise started. That paradise is called EBWE. EBWE is the place where the air cadets operate from. It’s the place where we’ve got our summer camps. Three weeks of flying gliders. Three weeks away from home and its problems. I didn’t notice girl I in the beginning. I was just telling everyone my story about Germany. I don’t even remember how our first conversation went. But I remember thinking in the beginning that I didn’t like her. She had all the qualities I didn’t like in a girl. She was a bit spoiled by her parents (being the only kid in the household) and she kept on complaining about the “miserable” living conditions we have in EBWE. It isn’t that bad.. I mean, the place even has got wifi, so it can’t be that bad:p. She also couldn’t stop talking about how she was missing her body lotion milks and stuff. Her face scrubs. I don’t give a shit about how hydrated your skin is. Or how good you are looking with your make-up. I Like girls who have the guts to be natural. Who have the guts to go to parties without make-up. I can’t say girl I wore a lot of make-up, but she didn’t feel natural to me tough.

Our summer camp was really.. quit bad. Lots of bad weather and heavy winds. Therefore we couldn’t really fly a lot. So we had to amuse ourselves in the barracks. From the few flights we had done in the first week of the camp, I learned that girl I wasn’t a natural pilot. Her Instructor kept on telling her that she had to focus more. Like a lot more. When we had some spare moments, I tried to help her with giving her my best advice. And so we started getting along.

At evenings, we went to the bar. The entire group, about 30 teenagers, consisting of 20 odd 15/16 year olds and ten 18/19 year olds. We had fun, drunk a few beers. And sometimes drunk a bit to much. Now picture Girl I as a sixteen years old, small young girl with a skinny figure. I’m a nineteen year old. I’m a lot taller than her, and I’ve got a higher body mass. Not that I’m fat or anything (GP even says that a few extra pounds wouldn’t hurt me). So naturally, I’m almost always going to be able to drink more before I start getting drunk. One night, she tried to to keep up with me. I told her not to do it and stopped drinking myself. Something must have been triggered that night in my head. Either it were her deep brown eyes, or her innocence and stupidity, or something else. But I started caring about her, otherwise I wouldn’t have stopped drinking that night.

The days go by and by, and I get to know her better. She becomes quit charming and loveable. And I knew then already what was going to happen. It’s always like that in the summer camps. Basically you’ve got 25 guys and 5 girls. And every camp, the traditional EBWE couples are formed. One day she told me she had kissed a guy. Not knowing what to do next she asked me again about my experience. I told her that it was completely normal, and that it happened every other camp. I didn’t feel heart broken or anything. I just had to laugh with it. I even found at the time that it was starting to take a long time before something happened. Yet I did care for her in some way. Cause I kept everything she said secret.
( Keep in mind. A camp is guided by Instructor pilots, ground crew and camp officers. They make sure we are all doing things safely, and they learn us to take responsibilities. But they also know that it are holidays for us and there is room for having fun in the bar aswell. many sixteen year olds start consuming alcohol in a uncontrolled environment. In EBWE, that isn’t the case. We are being closely watched, and are given penalties when we don’t respect the rules. EA not respecting sleeping hours, Lack of respect for the staff and alcohol abuse. These penalties are for instance a no flying day)
One day, staff members come up to us and tell us that the next day would be a terrible day for flying. A cold front would make a pass over the area and we wouldn’t be able to fly before the late afternoon. So we decided to organise a party. On this party, girl I got really drunk. I found her wandering around at 1 am. An hour past her sleeping hours. I decided to help her out. Staff would pass by really soon and would do a check if everything was ok. I took her with me and walked her into the woods. I sat by her for 2 hours. She was out of this world, she puked multiple times.. I had drunk myself quite a bit that night, and after hearing (It was really dark that night, so luckily I didn’t see too much of it) her puke I started feeling guilty. Guilty since I had organised the party. I remember that I was rubbing her on her back, because she was a bit cold. And I wish I could remember the feeling of her skin. That must have been the time that I really started feeling something. I wasn’t sure what it was.. yet.
Fast forward, last night of the camp. I obtained an important milestone that day. I gained my GPL (Glider pilot license). And since it was the last night, I let go all brakes and fully went for it. I got extremely drunk.. and got the attention of I. Later that night we made a small walk. I was drunk as **** and she was quite sober. I remember telling her with my drunk head that I would have kissed her... if not only for girl L (yes, I was still in a relationship). I’m pretty sure it was a mistake. I should have done it, or I should have shut up about it. Either way, at this point, in my eyes, My relationship with girl L was doomed. We stayed together for another 2 months. I had told girl L what had happened… but nothing about the feelings. Because I didn’t understand what I felt. 3 days before my 19th birthday it hit me. I wasn’t going to be happy anymore with L. Not because I didn’t try, but because I had started liking someone else more than her.

I’ve been trying to keep contact with girl I. but either I’m shit at it, or she has gone back to her life and has “forgotten” about me. As November and December pass by, we only had the odd facebook chat.
And here we are, the weekend of the 24th of January. I did a PR activity for the air cadets, and girl I took part in it aswell. All of a suddon, it’s as if we were best camp buds again.
After the activity I offered her to drive her home. On the way, she told me she was in a relationship with a bloke from prom 2011. I had to do my best not to feel upset, but I was. We went to a bar before I dropped her off. And I told her of my plans to start exploring the world this summer. starting in easter Europe. She offered to make a city trip to London together. Which sounded odd in my eyes, cause it would have only been the two of us who would do it. ( I don’t have a lot of friends in the cadets, and she claimed she hadn’t either) I said it was fine for me and she said she’d ask her parents if they were going to make a trip in the upcoming spring breaks. She’d let me know something.. but I haven’t heard a single thing of it yet.
As a matter of fact; Sunday I didn’t really hear her at all.. I sent her a text and got a reply. Sent her another one without any reaction..
Today I eventually found some courage to text her again.. but she only replied briefly, and I found it hard to find a subject to keep the conversation going. After a few messages the conversation died.
And I know we’re starting all over again.. only know I’m kinda sure I do feel something for her. Cause I felt upset when she told me about her bf. The hardest part isn’t that she gives me this feeling that I should leave her alone when she texts me. The hardest feeling is that I don’t know what she thinks of me. In my face, she can be really kind, as a close friend even. Yet outside of the cadets, we hardly ever have contact. And ooh boy, how much I wish we had more contact now. I’m a bit mind ****ed, cause I think a lot of her. I’ve got too much time as well now.. I’m a week at home after the exams. And have got nothing to do but to sit at home.. since most friends are on a ski trip, and I’m scared of skiing ( 3 years ago, I almost got paralysed in a skiing accident) although, she said she had never done it before. I said that we could go together and give it a try in an indoor location. I offered to go next Wednesday. I’d pick her up and bring her back home afterwards. No reaction given.. But how stupid was I. I knew she wouldn’t give a reaction. But I keep on hoping that I’ll get my reaction.. only to end waking up with a sad feeling every day. But I don’t want to lose hope just yet. Because everything is possible. I’ve just got to find a different way to get to her. That’s why im posting my story here. Hoping to get some reaction. My English isn’t flawless.. but I hope it’s good enough for you what I mean, and to understand how I feel.
ken