What are reasonable expectations in a relationship?
Question:
What are reasonable expectations in a relationship? When do expectations cross the line?
Scenario:
Facts
I am engaged and my fiancée and I are expecting a baby in July.
She is a vegan.
I had been a vegetarian before for several years (but took a break for 2 years), and decided to become one again during this relationship.
She doesn't cook for herself.
In my opinion, she is a picky eater.
She likes to graze every few hours.
I enjoy 1 or 2 large meals a day.
I don't cook, but have tried to learn for the relationship.
During this holiday season, we have been staying at my single mother's place. I have tried to rearrange our holiday schedule, so that we could take my fiancée to restaurants that catered to vegans (my mother has never cooked and lacks basic things like pots and pans). We have gone shopping for the explicit purpose of finding food that she could eat. Yesterday, however, we didn’t really start our day until 1PM (she has been staying awake till 3AM and sleeping in). I brought her a variety of foods, humus and pita, cliff bars, fruit for her breakfast. Later, we went out for a few hours. Around 4PM she said that she was hungry, so I rearranged our plans to find a place to eat. The closest place served a mediocre meal which she found unappetizing. However, she tried to eat some of it. Later that evening, between 8 - 10PM, she became hungry again. I was sleeping because I’ve been feeling sick and refused to be roused to find her food when I knew that she could have eaten more during dinner and there were other options available (more on this later). She came back a second time to look in the kitchen (and I believe to be intentionally loud to wake me). However, I was feeling very resentful because her diet habits have really become a burden. I have no problem with her making her own lifestyle choices. However, when those choices become my responsibility (because she refuses to cook for herself, feed herself, and she expects me to provide all of these things, I have to constantly rearrange my schedule so that she is fed, and she refuses to eat what is provided) I become very resentful. She was furious, called me an asshole, and told me to get away from her. Her argument is that its my duty to provide for all of these things especially while she is pregnant (10 weeks). I expect her to be able to provide for a reasonable proportion for her own provisioning. Basically, what is trying to have is a complete dependency. I am hardly strong enough to carry my own weight let alone two additional people. I need her to carry some of the weight.
So, I went back to sleep.
The problem is this: She thinks it is reasonable that I provide for all of her dietary needs.
She believes that I was preventing her from feeding the baby.
Her mother (when she is visiting) still slaves at the kitchen all day to provide her meals.
In all of her previous relationships, the men provided for her meals.
Solutions: You could have eaten something at the house. Cliff bars, fruit, humus and chips, salad, lentils, deserts. You could have made something with the ingredients that you purchased. You could have ordered something. You could have taken the car. You could have walked up to North Point.
My response to this:
You’re an adult woman. You are 24 years old, intelligent, have financial resources, and more than capable of being able to provide yourself food on occasion.
If you are dependent on me providing for all of your meals than you should make yourself available for feeding.
You talk about how inconsiderate I am. However, your rigorous standards for food and the fact that you place the burden on me to fulfill those needs really greatly outweighs any of my inconsideration. Hell, I just fail to say please or thank you to wait staff on occasion.
You’re values require that I provide in all instances for your sustenance. That doesn’t congeal with me.
You are acting like a victim. You are acting like you are powerless. When I do not fully cater my entire life around you, you play this victim card. It gives you great control and power in this relationship.
