Hello!
I'm currently in a pretty difficult situation and hope someone on here can give me an advice.
There is this guy, I have been working with for two years now. During the last year we got to work closer together and I noticed I started getting feelings for him. We talked, made fun, flirted, but it was nothing serious, at least I told myself so. We just get along pretty good and I have felt very comfortable around him from the beginning. I may add, that I am a rather introvert and shy person, I usually have a hard time finding friends, and even harder time interacting with men, which I am interested in. That's probably why I had no relationship for 3 years now.
The problem is that he is not only 12 years older than me, but also married and has a kid. So this is why I tried to ignore my feelings for him at the beginning, cause I knew there would never happen anything between us.
A few months ago I began to notice that he is looking at me a lot, also seemed to be near me as much as he could. Asking him about his starring, he told me how my eyes are so fascinating and that's why he can't stop. This was the first real compliment he made me, followed by a lot more later.
He always helps me when he can, he makes me laugh, seeing him makes me happy. I have to admit that he is a great motivation and makes going to work way better.
Then a few weeks ago, he told me that he loved me, that he has been feeling this way for months now. It felt like a dream, cause I never imagined he could feel the same as me. This was when I got a little hope, that there might be a chance for us. But at the same time I had to think about his family. I didn't tell him how I felt back then, cause I thought it would only make our situation worse.
I thought I could repress my feelings, but I couldn't. After lots of nights spent awake, only thinking about him, I decuded to tell him that I am not interested in him romantically. It broke my heart, cause I was lying to him, I think he figured that out too.
First he told me he would let me be, but still he told me how he loved me all the time. Sometimes I was really close to telling him, that I loved him too, but I didn't dare to.
Two days ago I was feeling pretty bad, he asked what's up and I told him I wished I would be somewhere else. He asked if he might go with me and I sayed he could. He then admitted, he would love to kiss me now. Later in our lunch break, we were alone and after making some fun, we held hands. He asked if he could kiss me now, but I told him not to. We were standing there for like 10 minutes just holding hands and looking at each other. I really wanted to kiss him just as much as he did, but I was holding myself back. He told me that he thinks, I would want it too, and of course he is right.
That moment holding his hands, I just can't stop thinking about it anymore. I loved to be so close to him, I want to be even closer, but at the same time I fear I would only get hurt.
Yesterday he claimed how much it meant to him, what happened the day before. He said he understands I didn't want to kiss him, but if it was ok for me, he'd love to hold my hands again sometimes. He told me again how much he loves me, and that he always will. He asked me to tell him how I feel, and again I really wanted to. But I still was too afraid to do so.
I know he won't stop until I tell him. But I don't know what to say. I don't want to lie to him, but on the other hand I'm really scared of getting hurt if I open up to him.
At the moment there is nobody I could imagine to be with, except him. But I know that I am not going to be more than an affair for him, which I really don't want. And he won't leave his wife, We didn't talk about it, but I know it, his religious and ethnic background is enough reason to think so.
Anyway, I just can't do this anymore. The tension between us is so strong. He is stuck in my head and seeing him everyday doesn't make it any better. However don't seeing him kills me too. I never felt this way for a man before. He also told me that he never had that kind of feelings for someone.
We didn't meet in private until now, although we talked about it a few times. We only see each other at work or shortly before/after.
So do you think I should tell him? Cause I really want to, but there are so many difficulties. Not only his wife and family, but also the fact that we work at the same company. I know it's not a good idea at all, but somehow I can't fight my feelings.
It seems so wrong to do the "right" thing and forget about him, but doing the "wrong" thing and start something with him, I don't know if I could handle that.
