No closeness, no love, never
I'm a 19 year old girl, who has never had any kind of relationship, never kissed, and never had any romantic affilitation with anyone in any way. I have tried everything.. Improving myself, my self confidence..And that has increased hugely, and I am far more sociable and outgoing than I used to be, but the same problem remains, I don't have love in my life, not just in the romantic sense, but I feel a general emptiness within me, and it's something that I can temporarily forget, yet it always returns to me. Some people still say I seem reserved or restrained, yet this shocks me, because I feel I do not come across like that, and have far improved from how I used to be.
I have great friendships and connections with people, yet I can never elevate it to anything beyond that, and it's just impossible for me to do so - the same pattern repeats itself and there is no possible way for me to have a relationship, perhaps because I seem unapprochable. However, I consider myself very romantic, sensitive and loving, and longing for a sense of connection not only in a relationship, but within myself, and it just feels as if something within me is dead. However, while I may sound like a lot of people here, there is something that makes me very different...I am a transsexual, which brings further complications - however, since I have unusual hormone levels, I still have a slim build, smaller even than a lot of natal women and people do consider me attractive as a female, so in terms of appearance, I don't have too many issues, and I am also able to modify my voice.
But of course, I was forced into the male role in my earlier years, which has perhaps hindered my ability now, although it could be considered an advantage as well, although I am interested in both women and men. I have tried to think positively, and in some ways I am confident in myself, yet in others I am horribly self destructive, but it seems that I can never escape from the negative thought patterns, the self pity, the crying, the tempers, the anger, frustration and depression from always knowing that there is always somewhere somebody would rather be than with me. I do not see how anybody could be attracted to this lack of confidence, although even when I do have confidence, which is much more often nowadays, it makes no difference, and while many people around me seem to be able to pick up dates and have relationships seemingly at will, I would feel that it would be a significant step in my life even to be physically intimate with somebody for half a millisecond! I am young, but all that means to me is that I have longer to wait to realise that I should not rely on somebody else for my happiness and that I ought to adapt to living my life on my own, yet I cannot eliminate the need for connection which feels as if it will never, ever be fulfilled.
