Extremely difficult

Hi guys, I’ve found myself in a precarious position and need to get it down on paper so to speak and any comments or advice would be gratefully received.

OK, I live overseas and recently returned home for my annual holiday. All was good until my best friend (female) after a few drinks told me her relationship with her fiancé (also very close friend of mine) and father of her 2 kids has been dead and buried as far she was concerned for a long time and not only that, she loves and wants to be with me.

Now as background, we met over 12 yeas ago. I was about 19, her a couple years older. I was madly ‘into’ her but the feeling was not reciprocated at the time. I was gutted about this but when she met her current fiancé 10 years ago, my feelings were brushed under the carpet and I moved on. We remained close pals in fact, best pals. I had a relationship of 4 years, that finished, I moved overseas where I have been for 4 years. Last year when I came back her and I had a few drinks, she was at my place and she said she was into me and her relationship was over. I shrugged it off as drunken talk and nothing more was said. 1 year later, I have returned again and again, the same thing has happened. This time I believed her.

I said that first and foremost, as a friend, she should not carry on with her fiancé if she is not happy. It is quite apparent, although he still loves her. Anyway, she ended up telling him it was over. He was upset and looked at her phone, in the messages there was one from her to me saying she wished she was in bed with me, sent one morning. He immediately hit the roof of course, he challenged me on it although said that he could see I was not the instigator but had said something like “oh yes that would be amazing” or words to that effect.

I cut my holiday short and retreated to my overseas location because if she wants to split with him, I support that if she is not happy. However, I cannot be responsible or the reason for it. Things have progressed and she has taken steps to follow the split through and he is close to moving into a new place.

I have been in close contact with her, keeping my friend hat on, providing advice or just being there. However, it is becoming increasingly apparent that my old feelings for her are still there and now I cant get her out f my mind and speaking to her makes me happy and I can really see a future for us. In fact we have decided that some things are meant to be and this may be one of them. We want to see how things go, not jump into anything, let her sort things out, start living on her own with the kids and I will continue overseas for say another year. In which time we will see how things progress.

I am passing through there in 2 weeks, we were planning a day / night out and a hotel, just to spend time with each other as we miss each other like crazy. Also in a further 3 weeks time, her parents are taking the kids on holiday so she has a spare week and I had planned to fly her over here so again, we can spend time together, talk and see how things pan out.

Despite telling him that nothing has happened between us, he is paranoid that we had been cheating on him and cant stand the idea of his fiancé going with his ‘best mate’. Now I understand this is abhorrent to him but;

1) Should we forgo our own happiness to protect his feelings?
2) Once she has split with him i.e. now, it is really none of his business who she sees, although I accept this could be the end of our friendship.
3) She is not going to be a Nun forever.
4) The kids call me uncle anyway, I love them to bits. Should this work out, he knows that I would look after them and treat them well.

In some respects we feel we should tell him but then again, there is nothing to tell. In any other situation we would not be telling anyone as this is very early days. Now we have the plans to see each other in next few weeks, he is going to find out one way or another so we need to know what to do.

I am having such terrible guilt over this but don’t want to give up on my chance of happiness. If I tell him we are going to make a go of it I think all hell could break loose.

Any advice would be gratefully received here.

Yours stressfully

M