Ex-girlfriend is stuck in a relationship with an abusive guy
Well, how do I start? It's a long story. A long, crazy and interesting story, so it's probably worth reading, even if you don't have an advice for me.
I was on a long vacation to Kenya last year, where I met a nice girl during my last days of my stay in Kenya. She was shy just like me, which is something I found really cute. We'll call her C. We started talking, and she told me about some problems she had with her ex that she recently broke up with (We call him S. A white guy, but born in Kenya) and about how the breakup had affected her in a negative way, but now she was finally over him, and ready to be a "good girl" again. After that we kind of got close together, but my vacation was also coming to an end, and I had to travel back home to Denmark where I live.
We kept chatting and sometimes video-calling each other. We got more and more romantic, until November 2017 where we agreed to be in a relationship. I was SO happy, and I went down to Kenya to visit her again in December for three weeks. I was planning to stay at my host's place just outside of a small town called Nanyuki. (My host was a grown man living in a house with his wife and children)
Upon arrival C informed me that she would return to Nanyuki after a few days, so we could be together. But in the meantime I heard rumors that she still lived with "S" (her ex she told me about). After me and the man who hosted me went to town, talking to several people, it became clear, that S was treating her like sh*t and no one liked him. When the day came and C arrived in town, I met with her, and I got to talk to her about all the rumors. She told me and my host, that she hadn't seen S for a long time, and that he used to abuse her. She talked about him as if he was nothing but a ex-boyfriend who had become a stalker. So I believed her, and forgot about the rumors of her still being in a relationship with him.
A few weeks passed, and we got deeper into our relationship, holding hands, kissing, spooning and all that kind of stuff. She used to stay with me at my host's place, and things went really well to begin with. But after a week or two, she started acting suspiciously, wanting to spend the night in town, coming up with excuses of having a female friend who was about to leave soon, or that she was on her period and she wouldn't want to mess up the bed where I was staying... I remember one night, she was suddenly desperate to get back to town, even though it was late and highly unpractical. In Kenya, it is unsafe to travel after dark, but she insisted, much to my host's discouragement. She showed me some keys, and told me she had to deliver them for a female friend, or else her friend would not be able to get home and sleep that night. The next day, we spend the entire day together holding my birthday party, then being on a date at a fine restaurant, and sleeping at a hotel in town at night. It was a perfect day where we spent the entire time together, and the trouble from last night was forgotten. But after that day, again she started doing suspicious things.
One night after she insisted on staying in town yet another time, I texted her because I wanted at least to talk to her on the phone in the evening, if she couldn't be there with me. Then she called me, and screamed in the phone that I should leave her alone.
I was very confused, and insisted on asking what the problem was, until a manly voice took over, and introduced himself as her boyfriend. I was shocked, and I told her that I was her boyfriend too. He was very aggressive, and after a while the call ended.
Me and my host went to town the next day, to confront C and ask her what the h*ll was going on. But on our way, we randomly stumbled upon S (The ex-boyfriend she told me she had left long ago, and who was now stalking her). My host talked to him, and confirmed that he was the guy on the phone from yesterday. In a respectful manner, my host introduced me to S, and S told me we had no reason to fight, since we had both been fools. He never knew about me, and I never knew about him still being with C, even though C had talked about him as an ex-boyfriend. He told me he had been together with C for the last two years, and he couldn't believe what just happened. He told me how he saw C texting with me, and quickly deleting her texts from her phone, which raised his suspicion and insisting she called me, so he could find out who I was. He even showed me the keys from that night, proving they belonged to him, and not some female friend that C was mentioning. (Quite shocking, considering me and C spent the next entire day and night together - and the night before, she slept at S's place!!)
Me and my host confronted C, who desperately tried to make me believe that the call from yesterday was a prank, but when she found out that I talked to S, she freaked out, and asked me if I would still continue this relationship, and that I was the one she loved. I couldn't answer her right away though... It was quite a dramatic situation, and we were a big group of people trying to handle it. Me and S agreed that it should be her decision to choose who she wanted to be with. We even had to hold her tight, to keep her from running away.
Anyways, as I was going to leave the next day, and I heard she had been with him for the last two years, I felt like I already lost. And when she had to choose in front of us all, with me on her right side, and S on her left side, she went for S. But she seemed very unsure about it, and she cried and apologized very much to me about it. I decided to forgive her, and we agreed to still be friends. But when talking to her about it, she even told me that maybe her relationship with S wouldn't last for long, and then we could be together again. Even SHE was hoping. So it seemed very much like her decision was forced in some way.
Anyways, before I travelled home, everyone around me comforted me, saying that I belonged with her, and that it wouldn't take long until she would probably break up with him anyways, since he was an arrogant a**hole who used to abuse her. Even her mother cried because of her decision, because she supported my relationship with her 100% and wanted her daughter out of her relationship with S.
At home in Denmark, despite her being with S, she still contacted me and she wanted to talk, just to see my face from time to time. I accepted to be her friend, and we kind of still talked in a lovingly way. Of course I tried to keep it low, because I didn't want to support her too much of not being loyal to S. But true enough, under a month later, I got the news that she broke up with S after he threatened her again. I accepted to get back together with her in a long distance relationship.
Of course, this time, still being in disbelief over her first betrayal, my trust in her was not 100% complete. And even the smallest signs of her still being with S, made me react quite much. But after she agreed to make our relationship status official on facebook, I started gaining a lot of trust in her again. I couldn't imagine she would be able to do that, unless she definitely was being real with me, and no one else.
I even started trying to get her to Denmark for 3 months, working hard, on making it possible. She seemed very happy about wanting to come and stay with me in Denmark.
We were together for a month, but the suspicious acts of being offline often got worse again, until one day, S checked facebook and saw our relationship status. Apparently, he had not had a smartphone, so he was unaware of our relationship status on facebook. Then he requested we talked with video. When I called him, he told me he was still in a relationship with C. I was hoping he said it out of jealousy, and asked him to prove it. But unfortunately, he proved it, by turning around the camera, revieling C being right there with him, in a bad attempt at hiding. I insisted on talking to her, and eventually he managed to make her talk to me. I asked her why she was doing this to me. All I remember her saying was, that she couldn't let go of S, and that he was still in her heart, or something like that. After the video-call, I wrote a clear statement to both S and C that I was breaking up with her, and that it was over between me and her.
But as you know... Love can do incredible things sometimes. And I was not ready to move on. I still loved her, despite of her second betrayal. Mostly because I kept having this idea, that there is something that keeps her with S, which has got nothing to do with love. He treats her like shit. I have heard people say to me, that S is addicted to alcohol, and he becomes violent and aggressive when he is drunk, and sometimes he even beats her up. This guy, he acts like he owns her, and everyone knows that C shouldn't be with an abusive guy like him.
Since then, I have told C, that if she wants a third chance with me, she might have the chance when I return to Kenya to visit some friends in August, (even though I am actually returning in July. I want to surprise her...) but until then I don't want her to contact me. However, I have talked to some of her friends, and they tell me that she's not over me, and that she still is kind of desperate to talk to me. One of them is saying she seems determined to fight for my love.
It's the fact, that she never really seemed determined to be with S, that keeps my hope alive. She never told me she didn't want me. It's like she wants to be with me, but she can't because she doesn't know how to free herself from S who keeps abusing her. And therefore, I can't help but try to motivate her to be honest with herself, because if I am truly the one she wants, and she knows it deep inside her heart, she must have the strength to break up with S, and move on from him once and for all. I felt like she needed to know, that all hope was not lost yet, if she wanted me back, but she would have to fight for it.
So here's my current situation
So what I did is, I asked one of her close female friends, who also supported her in being with me, if she had an email, so that I could send a motivational mail to C, about what she was missing out on, and what it would take for her to get back with me, if she truly wanted to. Basically it consisted of three things:
1. Instructions for what she needed to do, IF she wanted me back (which included breaking up with S immediately, and waiting for my return while being single, to prove her loyalty to me)
2. 11 reasons why we shouldn't talk until I return
3. The pros of getting back with me, and the cons of staying with S (and some pictures of our times together)
Then the point was for her to show it to C. But this friend of C just went to Denmark for 3 months to visit her boyfriend (and I am really jealous!) so that project kind of failed. Realizing this, and still being determined to get C to read my mail, I decided to send the mail to a gmail account that I created for C, and then I sent her the instructions on facebook about the username and password, and how she was going to sign in and read my mail. But that project failed miserably, because her abusing and controlling boyfriend S obviously knew the password for her facebook, so he signed in, and he read my message, and got pissed off over it. Luckily, I could see that my mail had not been opened, so I quickly deleted it, before S could have the chance to read it. On facebook, using her account, he insulted me quite a lot. He also previously posted a laughing smiley in the comments of my relationship status with her, calling it "hilarious" before it got deleted, as if it was all a joke... Not respecting that I was heartbroken, at all... Now, their relationship status has been made official on facebook. I feel like doing the same to him, calling it "hilarious", but I won't since that wouldn't make me any better myself. At least, it's a good thing that their relationship is official on facebook, so that I don't have to rely on rumors. I can simply check if they are still together, by looking at their relationship status.
The worst feeling right now, is the feeling of me being seen as an enemy. I never wanted to be in bad terms with S, but I screwed up when I decided to send that message to C on facebook. Before that, he saw me as an innocent person, who couldn't know she was still with him. But now he has seen how I tried contacting her, being well aware she was with him... It hurts so much, that the girl of my dreams is in a relationship with a guy who hates me. But I insist on not fighting with S. I am a peaceful man, and fighting over a girl is ridiculous. That's also why I ignored his insults. The only person right now who can actually do something about this, is C herself. She's the only one who can have the strength to leave S if she truly wants to break free from him, and get back with me.
Since I still want her to at least read my mail, I have now sent another copy of my mail to a new mail-address, and instructed C's sister on how to open it and read it, so she can go through it together with C. I know her sister supports my past relationship with C, so it shouldn't be a problem to communicate it through her. As of right now, my mail is still unopened.
My plan is, if I can see that C haven't been together with S for at least a month before I return (which will be in July), and she can prove herself to be very sorry and ready to start from a new beginning without S, then I will give her a third chance to be with me. Because honestly, she is stuck deeply in my heart. She was my first girlfriend ever. Something that is so meaningful and special to me!
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Anyways, I don't know exactly what I want with this thread. I just wish I knew what is going on inside her head. Is she afraid of what S will do to her, if she doesn't agree to be in a relationship with him? Does she really love him? What was the point of being with me in the first place? Did she really love me? So many questions, and I just wish I could understand how she could get back with a guy who treats her like shit, when she had me as an alternative. Even worse, she tried to keep her relationship with S secret from me, and her relationship with me secret from S, so that if she succeeded, she would have two relationships at once. How can this even be real? What's wrong with her? SO MANY QUESTIONS! Also, how can I let go of these thoughts in my head? Since there are about 3 months until I return to Kenya, and I can't really do anything about the situation now, I also wish I knew how to temporarily let go of these thoughts in my head...
