Something that I gotta let out - My story

I just have to let something out. I’m not really asking for advice because there is really not much I can do, but if you have something to say please do, any input will truly be appreciated I know it’s a really long read, but someone please read it. I have a secret and I can’t really talk about it with anybody but the person that I have this secret with and its starting to drive me insane so I’m hoping that sharing this on the internet will relieve some of my stress. My secret is that I’m in love. This is big for me because I have never really been in love before. I’ve been with other girls, but I never truly fell in love. So this is quite shocking for me, especially when I consider the circumstance and situation…and this is the crazy bit. I have family overseas in a small town and I’ve been spending a couple of months every year there since I was a little kid so I know everybody there and I have a lot of good friends there. In fact, one of my best friends lives there. I’ve liked and been with different girls there too, but this year I met a new girl and I fell in love with her, really fast too. I only knew her for a few weeks and I was already in love with her, and she felt the same way. We both knew that there was no way that this could be anything more than a fling for two big reasons; firstly, we don’t even live on the same continent, Europe-north America. Secondly, she has a boyfriend…a serious boyfriend. She has been with him for 4 years and I’m the first and only guy she has ever cheated on him with. So, despite these two huge reasons not to develop feelings for each other, we still did. I’m the kind of guy that doesn’t want to get married until just before 30, just so I can have healthy kids. But she makes me want all that now, she makes me feel like nothing else in the world matters. I’m not generally a soft guy and I try to act tough, but she makes me want to write poetry and sing. Somehow she makes me want to be a different person, even though I love who I am. We’ve been apart for almost four months now and we still chat and video chat every day. Missing one day of video chatting feels crazy to both of us. I was gone for 4 days on a skiing trip in a different country a while ago and, since I was in a different country I couldn’t chat with her because of roaming charges on the cell phone and I had no Wi-Fi except for brief periods on the hill. During these brief periods I saved all the messages I got from her so I could read them later and I would send a long message that I wrote up earlier when I was offline. By the fourth day we were both getting really anxious and I couldn’t wait to talk to her again and she could barely wait for me too. This is insane, right? I swear this girl is my soul mate. A few couple months back she was debating whether to break up with her boyfriend and I would feel bad if it was because of me, but I also hate the fact that she has a boyfriend. I know that it would be stupid for her to break up a relationship that has been going great for four years for something that has no future, but part of me just really wants it to happen. She tried to talk to me about it, but I told her that I can’t say anything because I have my own self-interest and it would be unfair for me to say anything and she understood. She also tried to break it off with me a couple of months ago because I was starting to interfere with her relationship. She said that all she could think about was me, even when she was with him. So I said ok because I do understand. She said she still wanted to talk, but not in the ‘more than just friends’ way we have been talking before. I told her that I’ll need a week to recover so I told her not to send me anything for at least a week. She said ok. Well, not even 2 days later, I was feeling great so I sent her a message and she was extremely happy to hear from me, even though only 2 days passed. She later told me that for that brief period that we weren’t talking, she was a mess. She stayed home and cried all day. Needless to say, not even a week later we were right back to our ‘more than just friends’ way of talking and we were talking more than ever. And it’s still like that now. We’re still deeply in love and both of us are excited for when I come back. Just to show how insane we really are I’ll tell you exactly how much we chat. We video and regular chat multiple times daily for hours at a time. We have both regular and video chatted for over six hour countless times. Video chatting for 4 hours at a time is completely normal for us. We video chat pretty much every day. One day we video chatted for 11.5 hours. She spent all day with me, when she woke up we started the video and when she went to sleep we ended it. I know that this is insane, but I can’t help it. I love spending time with her, even if it isn’t physical. I still get with other girls around here and she does get jealous, but encourages me to try and find someone. Maybe she feels bad about having a boyfriend, or she is just being realistic. She said she almost cried when she saw some pictures of me making out with some other girls. I told her not to mention her boyfriend anymore, because I realized that I can’t deal with it anymore. When I first got with her I didn’t care that she had a boyfriend, but the more time we spent together, both physically and later over the internet, I started to realize that I’m extremely jealous of him. Before, every time she mentioned him, my heart would sink. So she doesn’t mention him anymore. I know that I should just drop this because it is obvious that it has no future and isn’t going anywhere, but I just can’t bring myself to do it. So that’s my story, my rant…just something that nobody but me and her know about and I just needed to let it out, even if it is just over the internet. I do hope that at least someone took the time to read this.

If you really like this girl you shouldn't give up. All I have to say.

Don't let these feelings go. You feel them for a reason. I felt this way with my boyfriend now, I met him over the internet. Your story is somewhat similar to mine in some ways, but not all. I remember the first time I met him, we began chatting on messenger, and we were up til 8am talking to eachother. The first time I spoke to him, I had a rush through my body that I had never felt before. I was already invisioning daydreams of smiling and laughing with him. Why was I getting these thoughts and feelings? It must be for a reason. I knew it had to be. I continued speaking to him. The next night we ended up chatting on the phone for the first time. Actually verbally communicating with him was a rush through my body that felt amazing. We talked all night. Then we began video chatting. We would then video chat every day, for hours upon hours. From the time I woke up, I video chatted with him, until I went to sleep. We would talk on the phone right after getting off the chat and sometimes even fell asleep on the phone together. We did this every single day. Within a few weeks of consistenly speaking to eachother over 12 hours a day, he told me he loved me. I told myself I wouldn't rush things but it felt so right. I knew I loved him. These feelings were the first time I had ever experienced them. I knew it was meant to be. He made me feel like no one else has. I wrote a whole journal filled with daydreams, memories and thoughts about him. We finally met in person a few months later, and soon after we would see eachother every weekend. It all worked out in the end, because I am now living with him and I am happier than ever. At some points in the relationship it was hard to deal with being so far from him, and sometimes I felt like I couldn't go on like that. But I knew I had to hang on and be strong because it would all be worth it in the end. And it was. Never deny your feelings for someone. If you had never felt these feelings before and this girl makes you feel this way, then don't let it go. You will always have regrets if you do, because you will always remember that this was the first girl to ever make you feel this way. If it's meant to be and feels right, then stay strong and hold on to her. Trust me. I hope you end up very happy in your life and it all works out for you in the end. Hopefully my story of my experience somewhat gave you a hint of hope for what the future holds. It's all worth it in the end.

Just reading your story gives me the chills in a good way. Thank you. I was kind of hoping for some replies that would tell me that I AM crazy and that I SHOULD give up because I really cannot see this ending well and she feels the same way, yet despite knowing that this has no future, neither of us wants to give up. Its so frustrating at times, knowing that I'm so far away. You know those moments that you have when you're with someone, like that perfect moment for a kiss or even just a hug when the other is in need? Its so frustrating to not be able to do anything during those moments. As difficult as it is, I'm not giving up just yet because I keep thinking that even if there was a sliver of a chance of things working out, it would all be worth it. I hate that it can't be simpler...Its as if it was all planned in a way to make things as difficult as they can be, yet not difficult enough to completely give up on and forget about. I am really grateful for your answer, thank you so much.

Is relocation completely out of the question?

At the end of the day, what brings true happiness, for me at-least, Is the girl I'm with. If you are anything like me, any chance is enough chance. It may be bad advice but then, could you live with yourself if you didn't try? I don't know the exact situation but a relocation seems like the only option. If neither of you are prepared to do this, continuing the affair isn't helping anyone.

If you really love her, and she love you back, then mate, I think you'd be a very stupid guy to let this chance pass up. Some of us, including myself, longed for love for a very long time, got it, and took the chance with both hands. Love is rare and all-powerful, not something to turn your back to. I had my life completely turned around by my wife, and the thought of passing up that chance now seems absurd to me.

Go for it...

Well, things were working out up until now. I had the best summer of my life with her and we decided to try the long distance relationship thing for this year. We agreed that we could see other people, but not talk about it. A few days ago she asked me if I could promise her that I wouldn't sleep with another woman until we saw each other again. I hesitated and told her that I'm not sure if I can make that promise. She said I lost all her trust at that point, she even thinks that I may have been with other people when I was with her this summer. Her not wanting to be with me anymore hurts a lot, but I feel like the fact that she has lost all of her trust in me hurts so much more. I didn't even lie to her and I lost her trust. Its a sick irony. By lying to her I would have kept her trust and in telling her the truth I lost it.

I'm posting this because I need to know; did I really **** up, or is it her?

That is kinda insane, I am living a life and situation like yours, the girl I have the honor to love is single being the difference. But living in different countries made it so that I let her be with others. Just to make her happy, and still we love each others and try to find a way to be together eventually.

If you love someone and even you say it's ok to see other people and you yourself have a SO, you still don't want the one you love to sleep with anyone else. I know love is selfish, but it is the way it is. If I were in your shoes, I would have decide much sooner what I wanted in this relationship. I would not have chosen to have a long distance love but not together and having flings locally. I have long D quite a few times. I can tell you that once a seed is planted where someone had sexual relations with someone else, it will not end well. Judging from the way you feel, I'd say move your butt over there and make it work.