You're not showing me your best or your passion

I was remembering something that seems to have repeated itself with me in the past. This may sound odd, but bear with me for it...

It was my freshman year of high school, I was in 9th grade French class. I wanted to be in the Honors French class next year, so I asked the teacher if I could be recommended for that class. She said I am not working to my full potential and I need to show her that I really care about this. I asked what that meant, she said I do not show that I do my best. I figured she was saying I needed to pay better attention or I needed to step it up with my work or participation, so I tried to do so. After a few weeks I asked if I was in a better standing am I doing better? She said she was still not seeing it. I asked what I needed to do. She would not tell me. I asked why she wouldn't tell me. She said I am to figure that out. So I tried EVEN harder. My grades I believe were pretty good during that time, I can't recall every assignment or instance. When I asked a second time, she said she still wasn't seeing it and she still won't tell me. I gave up, why wouldn't she tell me and what was the point? I didn't make it into the Honors French class next year. Life is not any better/worse because of it.

So you have just read that and are thinking "What's the point of this story?". Well, this is something that seems to be a problem with me. I have been told by others I am not giving my all, I need to give that extra something something in order to get that A or something, and I ask "Ok, tell me what that is then." And they won't tell me. So I try to do better and show that I am interested and whatever else, and they said "I see you trying and struggling. And you are not giving your all." Or they say I have a very casual attitude about things, I am not giving my all for the best of the best that I am able to do. So out of frustration I just say "forget it, if you're not going to give me what I want - which may be the A in the class, the getting into the honors class or whatever, then it's just what it is despite what I do or do not do."

Some people say that I should hold my head high because I am capable of so much more, I deserve more than this. Do I? I try. I wanted to be an actor and no one gives me a part. How hard can it be? They tell me I am too old (at age 43) to do anything and I have no formal training. No training? Shirley Temple could do it when she was 3, what training do you need? After so many rejections, I gave up on that dream. I wanted to be a black belt in karate for a while - I had a lot of hang ups, job problems, career death, conflicts, with others. I asked one of my sensais if he would be a reference for me. He said he wanted to meet up with me outside of class for that, which I wasn't sure why he wanted to. He said if someone were to ask me about me he would say that I am a talented person who is entitled and full of myself. He went on for a long time to tell me about this and that that I had done/said which were inappropriate. He said I have to mind my Ps and Qs and straiten up. He asked how I felt about that now that I have heard it, that was very heavy. I said "I don't know" ... I was in shock, I left, I went home and cried for a few hours. Six months later he wrote me an email saying he was concerned that I heard his criticisms and not his praise: I have what it takes to be a black belt but I have to leave things behind me, I was welcome to come back anytime I wanted. I did not pass my practicum at proficient because the mentor teacher said that I did not express the greatest passion for the work, there were days he said he wasn't sure if I even liked the kids I was teaching, and I said I wanted to be a teacher because I needed a job and the old career had bottomed out. Same thing in both those cases - they are not seeing that extra something from me which I don't know what it is or not, and therefore won't give it to me like they would someone else.

So you may be thinking "you need to change yourself". Well, I am asking the world now HOW? Everyone is so critical, everyone is taking things (even trivial things about you) and using them against you. My only answer to that is to go by my new policy : DON'T SPEAK. Either online in social networking (that got me into trouble for the final time just recently so I did a complete social media blackout), DON'T SPEAK. AM I a coward? Am I a coward to want to hide away? I am so tired of fighting for IT, that success like others seem to have but I don't.

I don't think you are a coward but I do think your sensai is on to something. You focus too much on the negative & you have a difficult time letting go of things.

I am the same way. When I make a mistake it devastates me & I end up frozen, not able to move beyond it which makes things worse. For example, I suffered a work set back about 2 weeks ago & have been a dysfunctional mess since. I have trouble getting out of bed. I haven't fixed it & I feel unable to fix it.

Part of your problem is you can't even see the solutions. You had poor teachers. It's horrible that your French teacher refused to give you more specifics. However, back to your sensai . . .now at age 43 you are still hung up on this thing that happened to you in HS. That is not healthy.

Anyway, your solution -- to say nothing is unworkable. I know this because I know my reaction -- to hide on the theory that if I take no action I can do no harm -- is equally unworkable. The only thing that creates success is sustained effort, which involves risk & speaking up.

My self esteem is in the gutter. I feel like I can't do anything or nothing I do or say is good enough or whatever else. I try and try and it's not what it should be. I ask then what SHOULD it be? No one says anything. So I give up. I have given up on all of it. What's the point of even trying to do better if they say all I do is struggle and try and get nothing at the end of it?