How to get my things together?
Hi,
I found this forum and wanted to share my feelings and thoughts 'cause I kinda feel lost.
We were together almost two years, we have known each other through our best friend years before that but never been too close. He asked me out saying he wanted to do that for year but was afraid I would say no. He has a fear he is not looking good, and used to get rejected by girls. He was sweet and kind and real gentleman, which was really refreshing after all the jerks these days. My friend told me he is the best person in the world and if he passes his insecurities we could make it.
He works a lot and that was his first step of sabotaging our relationship : I wouldn't understand, it will be too much for me,he can't change it for now, but since I was ok with his career he accepted my support and started saying I am the biggest support and he wouldn't manage that pressure without me. He got a project abroad, so for 9 month we were seeing each other every three weeks. In that period he had a break down saying why should I wait for him when I can have a better guy who will be next to me, that he is feeling pressure at work, but after we talked for few hours he back down and continue with the love and support. He was always kind, supportive ( I had health problems, financial problems, lost my job) and full of future plans of our trips and good and fun stuff. He was so loving and caring and always pushing me to be the best version of me.
Six month ago we broke up, suddenly, over a text message.Two days before the break up he told me I was the best thing in his life. I was shocked and angry and didn't reacted good since I was really upset that someone in their 30's can't go out on a coffee with me and break up face to face with an explanation. After 2 week I got one : he is feeling pressure, I forced him to communicate and he has some problems he is caring with him for years and it is better for both of if we break up. He said it wasnt' the best decision but it is necessary. I cried, he cried, he begged me to talk to him, but I started no contact. After a month he started calling, we started talking and again started a relationship. He said he is afraid I will leave him eventually or stay with him out of pity. He wants to change things in his life so I will stay. I gave him another chance but I tried to tell him my fears, my problems, trying to reach out to him telling me what is the major problem.
Then he opened up to our best friend. And she said she can't tell me what is the problem, just that is not me, and has nothing to do with his feelings for me. That he is messed up and she hoped he will work on that for me. I asked her to tell me what is it cause it is effecting us and I need to know how to respond cause I can do something without knowing. But she didn't.
3 weeks ago he broke up, again, through text message ( again last time we saw each other was great, he said I make his day and that there is plenty of time for us coming). He said he is cold. Thre are feelings for me, but we have to broke up, because we would eventually come to that point. I aksed why, he said that is just the way it is, and he is feeling nausea of our relationship and constant talking and he doesn't want to work on it. That I become too emotional and that he is afraid of those feelings, cause before we both had feelings it was easier. He swear there is no other, I am the one he wants but can't because he can't give me all. I asked what it means but he just cut me off. This is the first time he cut me off for three weeks.
Since then, I lost a new job ( not because of the break up) , I started therapy because I cry every night wondering what happened and how come someone get cold but still have feelings for me ( over a night) and cut me off like this. I blocked him on social networks, whatsapp, so I couldn't reach him, cause I feel and act desperate and hate myself for that. Our best friend doesn't speak to me suddenly and to be honest I don't feel like speaking to her since she knows something and didn't share it with me.
Our friends are mostly his friends, and my other side of friends doesn't understand that I could feel so crashed, and saying that I shouldn't love him. Like it's that easy.
How to pass this feeling of unwanted from being the one in one day? How to pass this feeling of being trully honest and myself to someone and lose him because of loving him? How to gain trust after someone was thankful for you ( that was his exact word for almost 2 years) and in one day he cuts you off?
I am feeling that everything is falling apart ( financial situation is bad without a job, I am living alone, lost my friends, failed important exams...)
Sorry for the long post..
