He said he's too busy right now - Help!

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05-04-13, 06:07 PM
Mariana91

He said he's too busy right now - Help!

My (now ex) boyfriend has a very demanding job and recently we split up because he said he was too busy and stressed to focus on us right now. We were only a couple for about 6 weeks before this became an issue, he is a trainee and his job at the minute changes every few months (I know he's genuine, it's the kind of job known for being hectic). I ended things when he said he was so busy he didn't have time for us, he was very apologetic. I said get back in touch when he has more time and we'd see where we are (in a nice way), but he didn't reply. He used the words 'can't right now' and 'at the moment' lots implying he would later but he didn't actually say we could try again...
I stopped contact for a few weeks, and sent a quick text the other day to touch base and ask how he was, he replied a day later saying he was good and he hoped all was well with me.

Does anyone have advice for what to do now? He will be finished this job in about 6 weeks time and I don't know if I should wait for him to contact, or try again in a month and say maybe we can catch up soon? The way he's been acting since this started was totally different to when we first dated, he was definitely more into it than me at the beginning, he chased me like no-one else has! Then work just got in the way but I couldn't help thinking he seemed distracted and I took it personally. Should I even be worried?

I was always told that if someone really loves you they will make time for you, but how does that stand when someone has a crazy work schedule? I'm worried I lose him, but trying to keep busy (I have my own busy life!) and focus on myself. I hate not knowing what will happen, but I realize is would be unfair to ask him to promise he'll come back when he's ready, and I'd never ask him for that.
05-04-13, 06:29 PM
pcmaster

He might not have time for himself yet you ask him to make time for you. For me looks like hes addicted to work. It could be where his heart is since he put so much of himself in it. It could take really long time for him to understand that love he gets from work is not equal to that one special person who cares about him. Working more than 40 hours a week is not worth it to sacrifice other areas in life. Since you get back only cold money from it.

Also he might be doing it for you, thinking that money will solve problems with you since we men think that women are all about money.

This could help him to realise that he might be concentrating on the wrong shit.

loveforum.net/threads/78863-Are-you-living-YOUR-life
05-04-13, 07:10 PM
Boisdevie

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mariana91 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I was always told that if someone really loves you they will make time for you

Exactly. Busy was just an excuse for 'not that into you'.
05-04-13, 07:16 PM
lamobatsman

totally agree. it doesnt take long to send a message or quick fone call a day. plus if u really like someone u will make time for them and sacrifice other things. doesnt matter how busy u r
05-04-13, 07:56 PM
michelle23

If a man uses that word "busy" a lot just a run a mile from him. Sure he could have a genuine reason and genuinely be very busy but you cant have a relationship with someone who is too "busy" for you and "busy" normally means "ill get in touch when I want a quickie or when Im bored or when I have nothing better to do"

Nobody is that "busy". Your just not a priority and hes not that into you. My bf works about 60 hours a week and still manages to be there for me every night and hes only a phonecall away when he is at work.
05-04-13, 08:31 PM
LittleFox

Yes, if he wanted, he would totally find time for u, or if he really didn't have the time.. you would still feel that he really wants to be in touch. He would call you in his break, send a sweet message, get a free day or do something else that still shows, he wants to see you, is thinking about you and waits for your next date.

In this case, I would suggest you to start dating someone else or just chat, so you make a space for him to come after you. If not.. you still have someone else.

good luck
05-04-13, 08:34 PM
toknow

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mariana91 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

... if someone really loves you they will make time for you...

This is absolutely correct. You make time for what you care most about. In this case, he apparently cares about his job, security, his necessities, his needs. I've worked 4 jobs at the same time before, so I know what it is not to have any free time, and I can tell you he still has no excuse, nor would I have had.

So, basically he puts himself before you and your relationship together. That's not love. Love puts the other person's needs first. And if both of you do that, it's a win win situation. Where you both give and receive from each other rather then give to yourself.
05-04-13, 10:27 PM
Mariana91

Thanks for the advice guys.
I just don't understand it, before he was really into me, I could tell he really cared and we both talked about wanting a serious relationship etc... I don't see what could have changed his mind other than his work? I know he hasn't seen much of his friends recently either. He is very career driven and has said before that he's been single by choice for the past couple of years because of the amount of time he dedicates to it. He definitely is the type to shut everything else out when work gets busy.
Sometimes I think he's making a mistake choosing to spend all his time working, and that he's losing out on a good thing. Unless of course he changed his mind about me all of a sudden and this is all an excuse... but I find that hard to believe.
05-04-13, 10:50 PM
bearz

It really doesn't matter what the real reason is. He either doesn't have enough time for you, or he is not interested in you. I'm pretty sure you are not ok with any of these reasons. So what does that tell you? It's not going to work out for you.
05-04-13, 11:51 PM
michelle23

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mariana91 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Thanks for the advice guys.
I just don't understand it, before he was really into me, I could tell he really cared and we both talked about wanting a serious relationship etc...

Of course he was while he was playing you-feeding you a load of lies and telling you what you want to hear to get in your pants. Dont be so naive. You dont even know him. You said it went on for about 6 weeks? That is nothing..

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mariana91 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

I don't see what could have changed his mind other than his work? I know he hasn't seen much of his friends recently either. He is very career driven and has said before that he's been single by choice for the past couple of years because of the amount of time he dedicates to it. He definitely is the type to shut everything else out when work gets busy.

That means he is emotionally unavailable. He has a fear of commitment and he is addicted to his work to fill the void in his life. There is nothing wrong with being focused and driven but when it takes over your whole life and you cant find a balance or time for anything else-there is something wrong. Anyway being with someone who is all work and no play is BORING

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mariana91 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Sometimes I think he's making a mistake choosing to spend all his time working, and that he's losing out on a good thing. Unless of course he changed his mind about me all of a sudden and this is all an excuse... but I find that hard to believe.

It doesnt matter how you feel. You cant change him. You need to get over him and get on with your life. Even if he does come running back-he played you and you should know you are worth more than that. Dont be a doormat or a loser who sits and waits by the phone. Theres billions of men in the world. Dont waste any more time on this muppet.
06-04-13, 04:24 AM
actualgoodguy

But aren't you the one who first ended it and now you're complaining he isn't coming back?? If a girl dumped me, why would I ever consider going back to her again, as she obviously lost her feelings or attraction towards me.
06-04-13, 07:07 AM
Mariana91

Quote:

Originally Posted by michelle23 [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

Of course he was while he was playing you-feeding you a load of lies and telling you what you want to hear to get in your pants. Dont be so naive. You dont even know him. You said it went on for about 6 weeks? That is nothing..

We never actually had sex, but we did talk about it and it wasn't something we were rushing in to. Feeding me lies to get in to my pants was definitely NOT something he was doing. We knew each other a couple of months before we became a couple, but we were only a couple for about 6 weeks, because of the way things worked out.

Quote:

Originally Posted by actualgoodguy [Dear Guest/Member you have to reply to see the link.click here to register]

But aren't you the one who first ended it and now you're complaining he isn't coming back?? If a girl dumped me, why would I ever consider going back to her again, as she obviously lost her feelings or attraction towards me.

I kind of got the feeling he wanted to end it, so I got that and I officially 'ended' it. As far as I saw it he was the one who didn't want to continue and his hints were enough but he wasn't saying anything to that effect, so in a way, yes, he did end it. I was happy to continue until this came up, I only 'broke up' with him officially to make it official to me, when he didn't seem to co-operate to make us work while he was busy. And anyway, it wasn't because I lost any feelings towards him, I was doing what I thought was best (and ending it when I think he didn't explicitly want to say). I ended it on good terms, I wasn't rude, I left it open.