Hi all, just after some advice, although i think i probably already know...
My partner is a widow. She lost her ex just over 2 years ago now. Their relationship wasn't the best, to say the least. He was very controlling, and she was housebound with their 4 kids. He was also having an affair with another woman. When he died of Chrones disease, she didnt even go to the funeral.
To make matters worse, the "other woman" is the mother of my partners 10 year old girls best friend at school, so she has to see this woman every day. I was doing the school run instead, to keep her away from her.
My partner had a breakdown last january, 13 months ago, and suffered from extreme ppd. She thought the water was poisoned, the food had acid in it, and woke me up one day to say "Whatever she's paying you to do this, Ill double it to get you to stop". Totally not with it. She ended up, and is still on, a mood stabiliser drug, and up till recently has been....ok. Still gets moments, but on the whole, she can see this other woman and not flip out.
The other day however her 10 year old daughter had to go to a birthday party at a kids zone place, just someone else from her class. It was miles away. When i dropped her off, i ran into this other woman. She said she had to stay there with her son, and would drop our 10 year old off on the way home, save two journies etc. I thought briefly, but since my partner had been seeing this woman every day without incident i assumed she was over it.
Boy was I wrong.
It seemed to have just reopened that Pandora's Box. She thinks this other woman is "starting again", "wearing the same colour brown coat she did when they were together", and that she "is trying to make me feel terrible again". My partner then declared SHE would be doing the school runs from now on, as she doesnt want this other woman seeing me at school. Also, my partner really wanted to go back to the world of work, and i would stay home with the kids. This was a great idea, as she has no authority or discipline at home at all, so it would have worked out great, me teaching them life lessons, and not doing everything for them as she does. But now, she has said she wants ME to go back to work, as its "not worth the risk"...
Any time i try to advise her on money issues, its "you're trying to control me, just like HE did". She cannot take any form of constructive criticism about anything without getting arsey over it. Why am *I* the one worried about the kids future, about teaching them about disappoint, frustration, things they need to learn before they get older, and not her?
It's now got to the point where i cant stand to be around them anymore. I spend most of my time up in the computer room, as being around them i see terrible parenting every second of every day, and it just winds me up that she isnt doing anything about it. She's now saying she cant do any discipline till we move house, as the memories are draining her. I know damn well it wont happen even if we do move. I suggested we move away from the area, totally, so get away from this other woman, but ofc, how DARE i offer advice!!!!
That was a bit of a tangent....the main issue is this PPD. I say to her "dont you trust me?", to which she replies "It's not you, i dont trust HER". I try to make her see that an affair takes two people to want it, not just one, but she just wont listen.....
