Insecurity or Something Else

You may remember me from a while back. I was having some problems with my girlfriend at the time and I was getting a little annoyed she couldn't text back in a timely manner - although I've explained that I don't expect her to text at work or when she's busy, just that I just expect to be shown the same courtesy as her friends.

When she was with me, her phone was by her side and she'd text straight back. But when out with friends, she would often leave me waiting around. Then it began feeling she was putting everything ahead of me including Facebook games. There were some problems one weekend when she cancelled our plans with various excuses. I ask the next day if she's feeling better, she plays games on Facebook and doesn't text back so I tell her I thought she was treating me badly especially as I was doing all the thinking, asking her if she wanted anything and buying it for her while she just took care of her own needs.

Turns out she was holding a lot of resentment towards me thinking I was stopping her from seeing her friends (she's not concerned about losing a boyfriend, but she is concerned about losing friends). She also said I was smothering her.

Well after a month of being kept waiting to see her, we got back together, things were going well and so she announced to the world we were engaged, we both figured it was what we wanted, if we could get through a month of no contact we could get through anything, so we went for it and I got the ring and did it properly.

A few months later and we've split up. It is possible that my insecurity ended the relationship as I became jealous, she thought I was controlling, and she was worried about losing her friends again. I kept asking her to let me know if I was getting too full on, but she kept telling me everything was fine with no problems.

Was the insecurity the cause of the relationship problems, or were the relationship problems a cause of the insecurity?

I didn't have a problem with her having her separate identity. I have mine and I support her in hers. She goes to different groups and courses and I leave her to it. As we don't live together, I like to receive a text off her to say good morning, good night, and to tell me what happened in her day. I figured it was a way of incorporating each other into our lives, and maybe subconciously get her to realise she has a boyfriend she shouldn't just ignore. For her to initiate something meant she was thinking about me, putting me first. But she had a real problem with initiating anything, more often thinking first about updating Facebook and her friends and family than me, the person who's supposed to be her best friend. It was always a fight to get her to do this. She lives very much in her own world, very compartmentalised. To me it makes me think if you're that happy on your own, why do you want/need a partner? If she can ignore me that easily, why do I matter? In the seven months I've been with her, I've only received two spontaneous gifts from her.

That to me is the problem.

The problem to me is the lack of coupling. She had no problem in making her way to a venue saying she'll meet me there, even though we could easily meet in the middle and go together. She found it hard depending on me, preferring to go to friends and family for support. We hardly ever went out alone, it was only with her parents. When I favoured a meal alone to be emotionally intimate, she preferred the hustle and bustle of a gig or the company of others. Im not making this up.

She changed meal plans so frequently with me, but was happy going to meals with her female friends on her own, or even by herself with another couple leaving me thinking, where's my invite. We're supposed to be a couple.

Her week is hectic enough with four out of seven days filled, I got scared that it left three days for her to share between me, her friends and her family and anything else that comes up. With a marriage less than a year away and what is still a young relationship, I was worried that the lack of alone time, communication and coupling was a problem. It doesn't seem normal to me when getting married to live so separately. Separate interests and activities fine, but to insist that you need more than four days space you already have?

Knowing how important her friends and family were to her, I even suggested that we need to do stuff as a couple and see her friends. I even had to force her a few times that we should go and see one of her closest friends that she hadn't seen for ages.

But I would wait for her to be free so I could take her to see my relatives and friends, but she would often just go on her own to see hers. No invitation, no nothing.

If she went away for a week, she would make other plans either side of the holiday as if to spend even longer away from me. I'd have a day free to see her, and she'd tell me to go and do something else instead. Im thinking, why is she telling me NOT to see her?

I think the problems were highlighted on holiday. She went with her parents and she really wanted me to go out and spend a week with her. In all that time, we spent five hours alone and I had to practically twist her arm to get her to go out with me. It was difficult. I got very frustrated and had to explain I only had two nights left, when are we doing something?

But again, if it was something she suggested, we were there. As soon as I wanted to do something, there was an amazing opposition.

She told me one night though that it was her holiday and her last chance to spend time with her parents before marriage, to which I asked her why she wanted me to come again if it's about her and her parents?

She then became very isolationist and selfish, playing solitary games, barely having anything to do with me. Despite suggesting several times, we never had any meals alone. The last few days when she went to the bar to get a drink, she only got herself one. This happened to many times and I lost it and went back to my hotel room. Came back to find her still playing games. I explained how upset I was that she really wasn't considering me in her actions, she kept saying she wasn't doing anything wrong so I told her she's not ready for a relationship if she doesn't understand respect.

Despite trying to talk about it, we haven't seen each other in three weeks. She's told people Im controlling, told me I need counselling, said that I act like a big baby. Then she dumped me on facebook.

I don't know. I think I had every right to be upset, and speaking to friends, they say they'd be insecure if they were treated like this. The recent actions, the not talking, the dumping me on facebook, perhaps it just shows what I've been feeling all along and Im just very intuitive? Or perhaps I caused her to act like this?

What do you think?

Bumpity bump

Well it sounds like she has some issues to deal with on her own. Maybe she's just very immature to the idea of a real, committed relationship. Are you her first boyfriend or has she had others before? That alone can say alot about someone. I actually kind of relate to how she was treating you - as for myself, I treated a guy the same way that I once dated - I was very cold and standoffish to him - we saw each other for a few months, but I found my main reason for treating him that way was because deep down, he was a very nice caring guy, but I just wasn't that interested in him and I guess I wasn't sure how to display that, or even say it. I just acted out on it. I'm not trying to be mean but maybe that's just her issue with you? I'm currently in a long term relationship now with someone ive been with for over a year - and never once have I treated him the way I treated the last guy, but thats because I love him, and I wouldn't ever want him to feel isolated. I actually, genuinely care. Maybe you just need to find a new girl - someone who will appreciate you for you, and love you and not isolate you the way she's doing. You seem like a good dude, I'm sure you can find someone who can appreciate that....just sayin'.

Thanks Jules. That's unfortunately the feeling I have.

Her attitude and actions since would suggest that she really didn't love me but I still hoped it would turn out. Either that or she has issues.

One thing I've been grappling with is the distinction between an insecure relationship and a secure one. Some people hide behind the "you're insecure" accusation to justify why they treat others like garbage. It should be OK I only see you once every couple of weeks, it should be OK we only ever do what you want, it should be OK that I never buy you anything, or put my hand in my pocket... you're just insecure.

Im going through a period of grief and loss mostly feel better without her, but miss her like crazy. :(

Nah I don't think your the problem at all, I would get upset if my lover was treating me like that too. I think she is immature and just not ready for a serious relationship

She said she has had several boyfriends in the past and knows what relationships are all about. She basically says I'm clearly the one with the problem because she hasn't had this hassle before, and of course it is true that she was my first girlfriend.

Of course I was still annoyed when she was routinely late to see me by thirty minutes. As if we didn't see each other that much, she was late all the time, and when I told her how I felt about it, she just said that she's so relaxed in the relationship she doesn't think about it.

She's in my head and I can't get her out. Do I still love her, or do I just miss her?

I think you just miss the idea of her - especially if she was your first real relationship. I can understand your grief and frustration with her though. I don't want to bore you with old war stories, but I dated a guy once who was always nonchalant about everything in our whatever of a relationship we had. And I was always the one who had to pick him up because he couldn't drive. He'd over sleep on nights we'd be going out, he'd be annoyed if i texted him too much - and clearly I was only doing it because I missed him and wanted to communicate with him. Some people just don't see it that way though, that's the problem. He was probably as immature as this girl was to the relationship - was unsure of what he wanted and put the blame out on everything else but himself. It doesn't seem like she thinks what she's doing is wrong. You'll get through it. Sometimes its hard to let someone go - but once you pull away and stay more isolated from that person you'll realize you're better off. It's alot harder if you've been with them a long time. Just seek out other options and focus on you....

Thanks again. A while back on this forum I was told off severely for being insecure. Do you think I am, or do I jst expect what most people would call a relationship?

It is all over now though. I left the door open just in case she wanted to talk, but she just says too much has happened.

Yeah, I may have been a little obsessive and jealous at the excessive time we spent apart, that our actual relationship never really progressed beyond dating despite us calling ourselves as being in a relationship and then engaged.

But what I've experienced since, no compassion, no love, telling strangers I'm controlling, telling me I need counselling, dumpkng me on Facebook, ignoring me, even last time she ignored me for a month, her selfishness.... yeah.... puts what I've done in perspective.

I think I'm just venting at the moment going through anger hurt and grief. But it think it's slowly slipping.

If she could just turn around and say, I didn't really love you. Probably best she doesn't so I can move on. Just trying to make sense of how I was the best thing that ever happened to her, she really loved me lots and lots and I made her smile and laugh, she can't believe how lucky she is, she wants us to be together forever, we have all the time in the world (that was one of her favourite sayings for why we should never do anything). And it's gone from that to no contact and not wanting to sort anything out, no inclination to fight for the love that made her so happy, all because I told her she wasn't ready for a relationship and was very selfish. I'll think I'll go with the thought that she didn't truly love me. Why can't she look me in the eyes and talk to me.

Thanks guys for your help and advice.

I had a few incidents where I was bashed on the board as well, don't take it personal LOL. The most you could do is just question her and ask her if she ever actually loved you or not. How long did u say you were together? And how long after your relationship did she actually say she loved you? Just curious...

It might be best to just leave it as is and give her space, as much as u don't want to. She doesn't seem like she's the type to budge. Maybe in due time she will realize the mistake she made, and u could be moved on, happy with someone else - you never know.

But i will admit, breaking up with you over facebook is definitely a cowardly act. If anything, a break up needs to be face to face - not over the phone, thru a text, and most definitely NOT thru facebook....

She told me she loved me after less than a couple of months. To be honest I felt the same way but I didn't say anything.

She would often say stuff that I was thinking. Like how we both had that spark like God was getting us together (I only had that spark one other time - and I knew that other decision was right). I'm happy(ish) to leave her. but I desperately want to find out why. Many unanswered questions.

I guess I'll never know and I'll have to move on. It's getting better day by day so that's a bonus.