I feel empty.. and I need advice for ongoing issues
This is kind of like an act of desperation for me.. Actually this was triggered by a song that really reminded me of the love of my life. This is gonna be a long story but I'd really appreciate if someone could read it and post their thoughts on it. Feel free to ask questions.
Ever since I met him 3 and a half years ago I have been in love with him. And at one point I truly believe he was in love with me too, though I know he still deeply cares. However as time goes by I start to wonder if my feelings are only growing stronger.. which well, lately has been harder to deal with than usual. Our history is not completely a good one. When I say that I mean we've been through a lot of really messed up things together, and I wonder if they have taken their toll on us. I'd also like to mention that he has a lot of health issues that make things hard on him physically and emotionally (albeit the physical symptoms are not life threatening, but it makes him very depressed and has been suicidal).
I have always been there for him, and have taken care of him when he needed me for quite some time. It didn't bother me, I love him and want to help him. I'm happy to see him happy. We haven't even been together for quite some time, romantically, though we have messed around fairly often as friends and been very close emotionally. We dated when we first met but we ended up not talking for quite some time (like I said earlier we've been through tough times together because of events around us that were uncontrollable).
So we've remained friends for the 3 or so years. The last year or so we have been fighting a lot, arguments that end up badly, with us not talking for a while. They are usually triggered from stress due to living situations, or helping him get better and back on his feet. I've always been able to look past it, because he is so different than any other guys i've been with or known. I know everyone says this but I can honestly say I'll never meet a man with the same values, views, humor, and everything that makes him special to me. He is perfect for me, we mesh so well together when we're not stressed about something.
Lately it has been polar opposites. One minute on top of the world with happiness, the next we're arguing over something ridiculous, it never used to be like this. Which is funny because our relationship with one another, and our understanding has grown considerably.
Well he found a girlfriend recently. I've been so hurt about it, though I know I shouldn't..to a degree. They seem very happy together, but one of the reason why it upsets me is because I know she is not right for him. I feel bad for saying this stuff about her, because I shouldn't be the one to judge but.. Well.. I feel this stuff is critical to why I feel bad.
She shares none of the passions he has in life that keeps him going, and he has admitted to me that it's not really a good thing. She has been rather careless in their relationship so far, which has cost him to be forced to move out on two seperate occasions and nearly homeless.. And the big one is.. more recently he tried to commit suicide, and she assisted him. After he had taken the pills (she watched him, even encouraged him to do it), he made her call me and told her to meet them. When I got there he was very sick and half consciously asked me to call an ambulance for him. I am scared this girl is setting him on the wrong track, but he won't listen to my opinion on it because he knows that I am jealous of their relationship. He was in a drug induced coma for a couple days, and I was the one who sat by him in the hospital and emi (he was kept for evaluation due to the fact it was a suicide attempt) for the weeks it took him to finally get let out on his own again. She lives a ferry ride away and about 3 hour trip away, but I thought that still to be inexcusable as I would have stayed in town to take care of him if I was in her situation. She is his girlfriend for christ-sake, and I'm the one who's there for him?
He has had girlfriends in the past after me that turned out to be very bad for him as well, and to be honest it seems like I'm the only one that has been caring for him as much as I have. I'm always there to pick up the pieces for him. ALWAYS. I miss the way it was when we were carefree and happy together. Most days I can tell myself, hey, at least you're still friends and you're still close.. but some days are so hard and I feel so empty and heartbroken. I know he can't help attraction and that he's moving on, but if we're so close, if we can still manage sexual attraction (when we're single, mind you. we don't cheat), and the care and love I have shown him over the years.. why doesn't he feel the same way? Even his own mother tells me she's rooting for me.
Some days I want to hibernate like a bear, and leave the world behind for a couple months. Some days I don't even know how I can go on.
