I don't understand anymore..
Last year there was a new girl in my class, to whom at first I did not pay much attention. I never loved someone before nor had I ever really liked someone. Some time after school on a Friday, I caught her with a friend of mine, both acting a bit awkward to one another. I felt like I made a mistake when I asked if there was something between them, because it caused an awkward silence. She came up to me after that and begged me to help her ask him what he feels for her as he sparked a lot of confusion in her then. I, feeling a bit flattered, gladly accept, but I do feel a bit weird, as if I never noticed how cute this girl actually was. She gives me her number and for a good part of the following afternoon we texted with eachother. I did do what she asked me to do, but this guy didn't seem to want to admit any of his feelings to anyone. As the week continued, I felt in love with her, while it also became clear to me how much she was in love with him.
After some time, they get together and at the end of the year, after less than six months, she announces that she's leaving this school for a different one a rather long distance away. Throughout that entire half year I wasn't able to get her out of my mind at all. As she was going to leave soon, and I never saw her after school, I figured it would be best to admit my feelings for her in the hope that it'll get out of my head forever. So I do that and she exclaimes that she is in a relationship and doesn't see us getting together any time soon, but she also says it's fine to see eachother sometimes.
Short after, this guy breaks up with her and I stay in contact with her - he does not. We get some time together and become good friends. She is fine with me having feelings for her, although she has no idea how far these actually go. I find that I get absolutely obsessed with her in my head all the time. She doesn't like it when I keep asking like "do you like me yet?" Repeatedly, which I can understand..
When I feel a bit more confident, I accidentally find out she is still heartbroken and apparently cries every night about her ex. I have become pretty feel dependent on her, and she the other way around as I am one of the very few good friends she has.
Not so long ago, I was away on holiday while she was staying home. She calls me near the middle of the night, she is completely confused and, while crying, explains me that she had tried to commit suicide and doesn't know what to do now. I tell her to call an ambulance and as soon as I know the next morning she is in the hospital.
During that week, it becomes clearer to me how important I am to her, although I had to be skeptic as she's pretty manipulative. I hope to have made clear to her how I care a lot for her, as did she emphasize that she can't go without me and can't lose me.
After this, I have the feeling she is doing well, but actually it's going worse than ever and she's just hiding it for me to not bother me too much. (As a reminder, since she left my school, we often meet up, although it isn't possible most of the times. We still chat a lot every day and almost constantly)
I have found some signs that she might feel something for me. But she keeps saying she's happy to be single and that she doesn't want people to think we're a couple. I have automatically learned to try to hide my feelings for her, because she used to get angry at me for repeatedly asking her out. And I thought it should still be clear for her what I feel for her, but when I look back, it doesn't really seem quite obvious.
Is she trying to hide her feelings from me to not lose me as a friend? Or am I just still hopelessly aiming for love from a dependent friend?
