In my dreams.

Alright...

I've thought about doing this but I cannot take it anymore. Here it goes..

I've been in a relationship for almost 2 years now and we are unofficially engaged. I have a 2 1/2 year old son (I left his father in a hurry, was trapped and had to get out... yadda yadda yadda). Anyways, ever since my "fiance" and I started dating he has been there for both me and my son. Well, I have thought of my ex from high school often and always. Too often. When I try not to think of him the way I used to only leads to me dreaming about him constantly.

My boyfriend from high school.. we were together for about 3 years. He was the quiet one, the sweet heart, the one who did anything for me. The last point is exactly why I felt like I had to break up with him in high school. He let me run all over the top of him-- and once I realized it I put it to an end. It was never because he was a bad guy or that I didn't love him. I did it because I love him. The dreams I keep having of him always include my "fiance" and me having to compare and choose between them. In my dreams I always choose my ex.

I haven't really told my "fiance" straight up what I have been feeling and thinking regarding my ex. I have dropped hints. Not telling him makes me feel like I'm cheating on him or being completely dishonest. I don't know if I will act on my feelings for my ex or not. We have only seen eachother once in the past two years and spoken online maybe 4 times (he is in a different state at this time). Last I spoke with him we let eachother know that we miss one another and that we do still very much love eachother. He knows about my relationship with my boyfriend and hasn't really said much on the subject.

I'm scared that my fiance will leave me if I tell him or that our relationship will never be the same again. I'm being compeltely selfish in that and all I wish is that my fiance will at least let me go see him and find out for myself so that if it isn't meant to be I can put it to rest and go on with our relationship. He has been the father to my child even though he isn't his and has done so much for me. I really don't know what to do, but I feel like I can't go on doing this anymore. I wake up bawling most nights and every love song I hear on the radio makes me cry because I can't stop thinking of him.

My heart feels heavy. I feel like I am sinking and I'll never be able to come up for air.

Any advice?

I have a question for you, what "triggered" those constant thoughts about your ex?

That is a great question. When my fiance and I first started dating (we met online) I thought about him less frequently. As the days go by I think about him more and more. The more I try not to the more I think about him while I sleep.
OH!

We did get a dog and I accidentally named her after my ex's dog. When I realized what I had done I think that might be when I had to try not to think about him anymore. I had to persuade my fiance to let us find the dog another home-- he did not want to rename her even after I told him where the name came from. She looked just like his dog and she made me think of him every time I looked at her. We did finally find a good home for her (we dont have a yard we found her one with one). Without the dog now I think about him even more! Thinking about it now even renaming her would have done nothing.

And wow--- what great timing. I haven't spoken to my ex for about a year now (real time) and he is online on facebook now. I am at a loss for words :P

:( He isn't there anymore didn't even get a chance to say hi