GF wants to get married/have kids, Im not ready (very long read)

So, first let me just prepare you that this will be long.

I have been seeing this woman on and off for 7 years now and it has been a long and difficult road for both of us. We met at a friend's party in a state that neither one of us called home, but we hit it off and decided to stay in touch. She is 5 years older than me, which is not a problem for me, but it was a big deal for her. I begged her for months to ignore the age difference and give me a chance. Finally she gave me a shot and we would talk every day, webcam, she even got an Xbox so we could play games together. I would fly out to visit her once every few months and stay for a week or two at a time. We fell madly in love with each other; everything was going great besides the fact that we were a thousand miles apart.
Every once in a while the distance would really get to her, as I had plans to move to where she lived (which I had before even meeting her which is one of the reasons we hit it off and she even gave me a chance), but the plans were delayed a couple times due to funds. My original plan was to move six months after meeting her, which quickly became 1 year, so she ended things with me. It crushed me, but I understood. One week after breaking it off she called having changed her mind, so I of course I took her back.

Three months later I was out visiting her and was staying for 4 weeks, things were going great. I felt like I had found an amazing woman I could love and trust forever, so I told her that because she knew that I have had issues trusting others my entire life. It was a big deal for me to say that to her. A couple days before I was going to be getting on a flight back home I woke up early and found her computer open to her Facebook page. I opened her messages (which was wrong and I was snooping) and I found a message between her and this guy I had met through one of her friends talking about the time they had sex. I checked the date and it had been a pretty recent conversation. In the message she said that she was upset he never called her afterwards, but that it was for the best and that is all the further I made it because I felt like I was going to pass out my heart was racing so fast. I packed up my things and went to leave, but she woke up and stopped me, so I asked her straight out if she had sex with anyone while we had been together and she said no, I asked if she had sex in the last 6 months with anyone other than me and she said no. She looked me right in the eye and lied, so I left.

She would email me, text me, call me to apologize and beg for me back and I kept saying no. She told me that it happened the week that she had broken up with me and that it was a huge mistake, but I don't know if that part is true, but she did admit that she lied to my face. She finally gave up and started dating some politician (her dream guy) while I was still crushed and hadn't even talked to another woman. She started dating this guy about a month after we had broken up. After a couple months of dating this guy she contacted me and asked how I was doing and we started talking again. It grew to be a lot and before I knew it we were talking at least 5 nights a week, she would tell me about how she was unhappy with this new guy even though he was everything she said she ever wanted while she was with me. I was just so sad from losing her that I just felt happy to hear her voice and know that she was doing okay.

After about a year she broke up with the politician. I moved out to the city she lived in shortly after and we met up and things escalated quickly. I had moved in with her after we felt things out for a few months. Things were going okay, but I was having a hard time really feeling that connection we once had. She says it was because we were in the honeymoon phase and things change after six months, but we were in that phase until she cheated which was much longer than six months. We tried to make things work, but after a year of trying she finally gave up on me and kicked me out. To clarify, I wasn't myself during that year with her. I was distant, never wanting to have sex, never opening up, rarely even talking, etc... She would nag me about going back to school, getting married, having kids, etc... She was smoking a lot of pot, being lazy; she wasn't really being herself either. We didn't stand a chance with both of us acting the way we were. When she ended it I wasn't even that crushed, it hurt, but I felt like I needed a change in my life.

After a few months I met a really nice woman and we hit it off. After a couple months we had a really strong connection, but she couldn't drive due to a DUI, she worked for her mother and got paid very little and money was tight for me the way it was. This girl was great, but she had self-esteem issues, she was jealous if another girl even looked in my direction, she would get upset if I didn't get jealous if another guy looked at her. Also, it always felt like she was trying to be someone she wasn't when she was around me. I mean I could tell who the real her was, but if something bothered her I could see her biting her lip instead of just talking about it like an adult. After 6 months with her I ended things and my ex had just gotten out of a relationship with some rich lawyer, so we started talking again and after a couple of months of that we got back together.

Things didn’t start out that great after getting back together. I found myself slipping into that same funk where I was distant and complacent, so I decided to change. I was really forcing myself to do and say nice things and after a month of that it really seemed to be working because I started to find my groove again. She seemed to be happier and I was definitely starting to feel it too. Then after about a month of us both being really happy (not back to the "honeymoon" phase) I found some messages in her recycle bin on her computer. They had some extremely personal things written in them, things that were supposed to be between the two of us. A lot of it was sexual and some of it wasn't. She had about 50 different conversations in there with 50 different guys, so I started reading them. I read about 10 conversations before I found a bad one, and it was really bad. I couldn't read the whole thing and that feeling I had 5 years previously was sneaking back into my body. I left the house leaving the messages up on her computer screen. She tried to call me 15 times in a row, leaving messages on my phone saying she was sorry, and that it wasn't really cheating because it was just conversations in some chat room.

I took a month to figure things out and she started going to therapy, she stopped smoking pot completely, she stopped drinking completely, so I stayed with her. It has been about 7 months since that happened and I don't think she has done anything behind my back like that since, but I am having a really hard time trusting her now. She wants to get married and have a kid because she isn't getting any younger and I definitely don't feel ready for that. She has a great job and a lot of things great are heading her way, plus I am comfortable with her. I feel like I can be myself around her and she doesn't annoy me that much. I know that probably sounds bad, but I am introverted and I really don't like most people. I have always been popular and outgoing on the surface, but I am not really like that. I don't like people generally and most women I meet annoy me to no end, well most people annoy me to no end, but if I meet a guy and he knows sports we at least have a go to conversation if he starts to drive me nuts. I always put on this front because I knew it would help me meet women, well people in general, because the kid in the corner not talking to anyone doesn’t exactly get the girl. I just really feel nervous that if I don't find a way to make this relationship work that I will never find anyone as good as her because the older I get the harder it is getting for me to meet new people. Then finding people I actually get along with and want to be around is even harder.

Anyways, I am sorry this is so long. I am just really lost right now and I don't feel like I have anyone I can truly talk to about this. I mean if I end it or just don't do anything and lose her I will be living in some average apartment in some average part of town. I will be living on my own with just me and my thoughts. A small part of me thinks that being put in that situation could be good for me because I might rise to the occasion and do something great, but I could also fall into a deep depression and lose everything.

Seems like you keep stumbling upon things. The one thing I never understood is how lazy people are at removing shit that would obviously upset the person they are with. I dated one chick once who still had tons of pictures and all sorts of shit of this dude she previously dated sitting out in the open lol. If this girl you are with is serious about you the least she could do is clean up a bit. This includes things on her PC. I always make sure I remove any trace of a previous girl from my life before bringing another chick into the picture for this very reason. It only causes issues. But I really wouldn't worry about it to much considering she did these things when you weren't apart of her life. Or so she claims.

The whole off and on thing really will burn you out. Some people will say it only makes you stronger but I personally think that is bullshit. It doesn't make you stronger, it just makes you two grow apart and become more distant. Try looking up methods of rekindling your relationship. You cannot force things along or how you feel towards her so try to look up ways to reignite the passion that use to be there. I can see why you do not want a kid and I think it would probably be a bad idea if you had one at this time considering everything. If I were you I would make a decision on whether you really want to make things work or if you need to permanently leave forever. Stop leaving and then coming back. Goodluck.