i love my girlfriend but i have feelings for someone else
Hi all, this is my first ever post on a forum like this so i will try to keep things as short and simple as possible (probably wont happen). I am not too sure which order to explain this so i am going to go in chronological...
About 3 years ago I met a girl at a friends party and there was instantly a connection. A few months down the line and although we weren't officially in a relationship we were together. She changed my life so much and i will always care for her and have a connection with her. This relationship lasted on and off for around 2 years until in the end, us being both too young and immature, we started talking about going our seperate ways as neither of us wanted a relationship. I still remember the day we finally ended it as I had a last minute realisation of how lucky i was and how much i liked her and asked her to give it a go, but she had already decided it wasnt going to happen. I never really got over her..i saw her with another boy and it hurt a crazy amount. i hadnt had anything like what id had with that girl for over a year and one night (after drinking too much) i got a bit emotional to one of my mates and told him that i still had these feelings for her and how much i wanted to be with her which was a confession for myself more than to tell him.
The next few weeks were pretty strange for me and i cant completely remember all the details. I had started getting feelings for another girl i met although she was in another relationship, and deciding that i need to forget about girl 1 and stop having these feeling for girl 2 so i started seeing another girl (Number 3) that i got on really well with, even though she wasn't special to me, but being young i decided there was not much point waiting around for someone life changing. A couple of weeks in and she went on holiday. I was happy with her. Next thing i know girl number 2 has broken up with her boyfriend and now wants to be with me. I decided to leave what girl 3 and go after the girl that i had had feelings for instead of being with a girl for the sake of it. A few weeks in on seeing each other and i find out that she has done sexual things with my best friend (i do not blame my friend as he didnt know about us. i usually keep relationships very private). On the same day i found out, I bumped into girl number one at a party and being in the emotional state that i was, i told her how much i missed her and how i still had some feelings for her. I spent the whole night with her and it was pretty amazing, it was like being back together again. I left it after that and blamed it on the alcohol, like the girl 2 did with what had happened. After a lot of thought I decided to forgive her and we ended up being in a relationship and have been for almost a year now. I have had troubles trusting her after everything that has happened (also forgot to mention that she cheated on her previous boyfriend) and there have been several times when we have almost broken up, but i love her now and she makes me happy. I have thought about the first girl a lot throughout this relationship still, and feel bad that i left things the way i did. I have had some strange points of my relationship; some where i feel like i do not want to see my girlfriend anymore, there have been many points where we've almost broken up, and points where ive decided i want to be single. These feelings happened last week before we were about to go on holiday, but after seeing her i felt better again. I had a great time on holiday and came back with strong feelings for her again. She left for another holiday the day after we got back and is still away. A few days ago i went to a party and had seen that girl number 1 was also going. I was scared but thought it would be a good chance to get closure and finally put an end to the feelings i still have for her. Instead, after both drinking too much, she ended up telling me that she had not been able to be with another boy since and that she wanted to be with me, how much she regretted ending it after I had changed my mind, and how badly she wanted to make it work. As i had also drank to much i told her that i still thought about her and had some feelings for her too, but that i loved my girlfriend. I made sure that i ignored her requests to kiss her. She spoke to me the next day and apologised as she shouldnt have said what she said, but did mean it. Since then i cannot stop thinking about this girl again, and how long i have waited for a chance to be with her and how well i connect with her, and how i sort of even feel that i was meant to be with her (a thought i have had for a long time as cringeworthy as it is).
I am worried that when my girlfriend is back from holday things will not be the same, especially if all i can think about is this other girl. I know the grass is always greener etc, and that this feelign i have for her is probably the same as what i had when i first started my relationship with my current girlfriend, but i hate the thought of giving up the opportunity i have waited 3 years for, and i hate the thought of leaving my current girlfriend and seeing her with someone else, or leaving my girlfriend and regretting it (as selfish as it sounds). Both girls go away to uni in a couple of months. My head says i might not be able to trust my girlfriend away and that the relationship is doomed, when i can trust the other girl.
My decision has been going back and forth with points where i have been saying to myself "i can't not be with girl number 1, i have to leave my girlfriend" and points where i think "i can't give up everything i have got for the chance for more". My girlfriend would be heartbroken if i had to end it with her, and with my birthday coming up i also feel more guilty that she would have bought me presents already.
After writing this all out it seems that the most logical decision is to stay with my girlfriend and see what happens. If i can't get over this other girl and it ruins our relationship then i will have to end it regardless of what happens with the first girl as I can't expect girl number one to wait around for me. I have also considered asking this first girl to go out for a coffee to see if this is just a rush of feelings that will go away once we've actually spent an hour or so together, but i feel like this is cheating on my girlfriend.
My girlfriend has become close with all my friends and so i do not have anyone to talk to about this so hopefully someone can help. Please no "you're a terrible person" comments etc, as i feel incredibly bad as it is.
Thanks a lot
