what's going on in his head help please!!
Hi guys! I know it's a long story, but I just really need the advice so if you can get through it I would appreciate it! Also, people have been just reading the beginning and then telling me I was a rebound and he used me, but please you don't know him at all he is so genuine and kind, other guys have described him as having "a heart of gold." He's always putting others before himself and is terrified of hurting people. So please try to read the entire thing with an open mind. Thank you!
He dated this girl for 2 years. She treated him like dirt, he admitted it, and she was just so bad to him. She ended up cheating and leaving him for the guy she cheated with. Needless to say he was really upset. About 2 months later he told me that he had had a crush on me for awhile, even when he was with his ex but wouldn't act on it then because he didn't want to hurt her. He used to ask our mutual friends about me, if I had a boyfriend, and just generally talk about me to them, etc. So, finally he got up the courage to ask me out on a date. We go on this adorable little date and we really hit it off right away, we begin talking nonstop and just are quite comfortable around each other, we "clicked" so to speak. I expressed my fears that I was just a rebound and he assured me that I wasn't. He said he'd thought of breaking up with her many months ago, but she was always complaining about not having any friends at school, and he'd feel guilty. That he had liked me for awhile and had been feeling problems in his old relationship long before she cheated, but just ignored them. In his words "things hadn't been right with her and I for awhile."
All our friends approved, saying how perfect a match it was and that they couldn't think of more fitting people for the other to be with. He told me that he wasn't quite ready for a relationship yet, but he wanted to be, and he gave me the out early on, he said he understood if I didn't want to hang around until he was ready, he wouldn't blame me at all, but he really hoped I would just stick with him because he really liked me a lot. I decided to see where things went. We agreed to take it slow, that we both wanted to have fun, but eventually get serious. We had a blast together we did some of the craziest, most fun things that we never in a million years would've done on our own. We ended up losing our virginity to each other (2 years in a relationship with that other girl and she was not a virgin, but she told him she didn't want to have sex with him) anyways we did start getting serious, but we never officially labeled it a "relationship" we were dating or seeing each other or whatever. It was a relationship in everything but the name.
The semester ended he went back home and I went to visit him, stayed with his family for a week and hit it off with them. Later when we were alone he confessed that he couldn't believe how much his family loved me, that I fit right in with them and if he had to leave me alone with them he wasn't worried about it being awkward at all. And that he was amazed at how much his little sister liked me, that she had never expressed that much interest in anyone else he'd ever brought home, friends or girls. We were doing pretty well. As the summer progressed, we skyped just about every night, he didn't have a cell phone because he was in between plans, but we video chatted or messaged online every night and kept in touch that way, everything was great.
Around the end of July, he got online one night and told me his grandmother (who hadn't been well for awhile) was in the hospital and it didn't look good. I told him if he needed anything I was there for him, I would drive the 3 hours to his house if he needed me to, whatever I could do to help. She passed away a few days later, and then kind of went MIA for a few days, which is understandable given the situation. When we talked again he seemed distant. I wasn't very understanding, and called him out on his being not talkative. I should've realized that he was upset over his grandmother and I'll always feel like a terrible person for not asking him how he felt. Instead I asked him if he was trying to end things. He got mad (understandably) and stopped answering me. I didn't bother him, I apologized and told him I was there for whatever he needed then gave him space, I figured he would calm down and get back to me in a few days. He didn't, a few days go and then it came time for him to be moving back into his dorm (he moved in a month early for work) and he never told me he was moving back, I was on campus and saw that he was moved in. So I confronted him about it and he said he needed time to think and that he would call me and not to worry. Even in that exchange, though we had little blips of our old selves, we would joke and laugh. So I gave him his space. For 3 days, on the day in between he texted me and we talked normally, like we always did joking and being goofy, neither of us mentioned what had happened. Then he messaged me a day later to ask if I would come over and talk.
When I got to his place, everything was fine we agreed to go to a movie later that night with friends, after we talked. Then came the conversation: He started crying almost immediately. He said that he still felt so messed up over how his last girlfriend had treated him, and he knew he wasn't ready to fully commit to a relationship, and that he knew that was what I wanted and he knew it hurt me that he wouldn't give it to me and he couldn't stand hurting me. He also said that my younger sister used to drunkenly talk to a mutual friend of his and hers about how she thought he was no good for me and that I could do better, this friend then went and told my ex all of these things, which only fueled him more into thinking that he was terrible for me. He was convinced that he had been awful to me the entire time because he was making me wait for him. The reality was I knew I would have to wait, waaayy back when we first started dating, but I also decided he was worth the wait. I was fine with waiting. He went on and on about how he still wanted to see me and talk to me everyday, that he knew we wouldn't have sex anymore because that wasn't right but he still wanted me to be part of his life all the time and that he wanted an excuse to see me everyday. I told him vey calmly that I would rather not remain in contact, because it would be easier for me if I wasn't always seeing him. By now he was pulling at his hair, sobbing and pacing and saying that he knew he'd regret this and he didn't want to lose me. That he's going to kick himself because the second he feels like he is ready for a relationship I'll be the only one he wants to call. And that he has this fantasy that one day we'll just meet up again and pick up right where we left off like nothing ever happened, he even got paranoid when I told him I'd been rethinking moving to the city we both want to live in, like he wasn't going to be able to meet up with me again. He said he wished he had met me before he had met his ex because he never would have been with her and I would've been the one, and that he was not going to be over me anytime soon, there would be no more girls for him for the rest of college, at least. We had talked about moving across the country together. I tried to leave at this point and he physically would not let me go. The funny thing is that even through this hours long talk, we'd bring up something else and start joking around and being goofy for a minute, like in the middle of a break down we could still make each other laugh. I finally left really late with the knowledge that we were done, feeling horrible like I had lost something I wasn't supposed to be losing.
We had been together for 6 months. Now it's been 2 months since it ended, I still feel pretty bad. We don't talk really at all, occasionally (and by occasionally I mean 3 times) I've shot him a "just checking up on you" very friendly message, which he always responds to, but we don't converse much. At one point, I foolishly sent him a drunk message that said I missed him, he responded shortly that he really cared, but it just didn't work out and he wasn't interested in a relationship with anyone. After that I kind of angrily lashed out, I know I shouldn't have, but I gave it to him for basically leading me on for 6 months. He responded saying that he deserved everything I was saying and that even though he knew I wouldn't believe him, he meant everything he said to me and all the time he spent with me meant so much to him and that he was so sorry for hurting me. After that we did go for a walk just to chat, I apologized and then it was like we'd stepped back into our old selves, like nothing had happened and we were laughing and joking again, although he did say he loved me and would hate himself until the day he died for ever hurting me, and that his parents were upset we had split.
I see him all the time on campus, we have a class together every other day and we study in the same department so our paths cross all the time. We politely say hello and then keep going. Like we don't even know each other. I never show that I'm upset around him I always make sure to act very happy and upbeat when he's around, so he can see that he didn't get to me. He seems to be doing fine, he goes out with friends and always looks like he's just moved along. The other day I sent him a "checking up on you" text and he started a conversation and we talked for hours like we always used to, until we both fell asleep. The next night, out of the blue, he sent me a snapchat saying hi. The night after we talked for a little bit, but he was distant again, so the conversation ended quickly. A few nights later we were at a school sponsored event and he began very blatantly flirting with another girl right in front of me. That hurt, a lot, but I didn't let it show. However the next day when I walked past him and he said hi, I kind of rolled my eyes and didn't respond.
I've done everything everyone has told me to. I didn't beg him to stay, I cut off contact with him for awhile and now when I do text him it's short, friendly and light, nothing indicative of me still being hurt. When we do converse he usually ends up bringing up something fun and funny from when we were together. Twice in passing he's mentioned the event at which we first got together.
AND THEN...We had class together yesterday, generally we just act as though we're strangers in class, it seems to be easier that way for both of us. Yesterday when I got there, we arrived at the same time and were the first two people there. This has happened before and when it does he usually leaves for a drink or the bathroom or what not to avoid the uncomfortable situation of us silently sitting across the room from each other. Yesterday, however, he immediately struck up a conversation. And not like a vaguely polite "funny weather we're having" conversation, like an actual person to person how we used to talk to each other conversation. So as other classmates arrived, I expected him to cut off talking with me in order to talk to them, instead he kept talking to me and then when other people joined he kept specifically talking to me holding eye contact and bringing up things from when we were together, like inside jokes sort of that other people in the conversation wouldn't have any idea about, or weren't even really totally relevant to what we were talking about, but I would get. Then the professor arrived and class started and while the prof was talking, my ex made eye contact with me and made a joke about what we were talking about. Later in the class we were doing an activity and he began almost flirting with me, like playing keep away with a tool I needed.
Later I went over to rehearsal at my school, I walked into the kitchen of our theater just to get some water and he was in there. He greeted me super friendly, whatever. Then I said to myself (not to him at all) "ugh I don't have enough hands" because I had stuff to carry, not even that much, mind you: a water bottle, my phone and a bag of candy. I was just trying to balance it, but nothing I couldn't manage by any means. He rushed over and immediately began to ask if I needed help, and started to pick up my stuff. I told him I was alright I had it, but he insisted on taking my things and walking me upstairs to my rehearsal, when his rehearsal was right across the hall. He talked and joked with me the entire time, very flirty. Then that was it, I went to rehearsal.
Later we were in that kitchen together again and there were all sorts of other people around and he started flirting with me again. He very loudly mentioned that he wanted to go to a nearby restaurant that him and I used to go to all the time, and did anyone want to go. I didn't respond because I figured he didn't mean me, he meant the other people in the room. I told some people that I was going to my school's trivia night and then everyone left, him to go to the restaurant with people and me to trivia, I ended up not going because I was tired and had a lot of work to do. Then tonight again we were both in the kitchen and there were other people around. Typically when there are other people he just talks to them and not me, but tonight he immediately began asking me questions, striking up a conversation and then making more jokes to me about things that had happened when we were together. Then he mentioned to someone else that he skipped going to the restaurant then asked me why I wasn't at trivia night last night, so he changed his mind on the restaurant, which was his suggestion, in favor of trivia, which I usually go to every week (we never even acknowledge each other at these trivia nights so why he would care if I was there is beyond me.) I replied that I had been tired so I'd skipped it. He said it was too bad because one round was something that he knew I was really interested in and would've been so good at. Whatever. Then he kept telling me that he hoped my rehearsal went well so that tomorrow's rehearsal would be canceled and then I'd be able to see his show instead.
Does his renewed interest mean anything or am I over thinking? I do want to get back together, but does this even mean he's interested or is he just being friendly? One of his friends sent me a message a few weeks ago and told me that my ex really did still care about me, but he was just afraid of being hurt and of hurting me so he ended things and that he didn't speak to me because he was afraid he would lead me on. So what does his suddenly speaking to me mean? Probably nothing, I'm guessing. But, and I'm sure I'm imagining this, the way he looks at me when he's talking to me now, and the way we act together it's like we're right back together again. I'm imagining this, right? Someone help me clarify and THANK YOU IF YOU READ ALL OF THIS!!
