My story is rather compicated. I was hurt so many times I couldn't take it anymore and I ended up living as an Asexual for the last 10 years. I felt it impossible to ever love anyone again. Love became the enemy for me. I fell ill some 15 years ago with a very debilitating affliction. No doctor could diagnose it. I shared my story about this illness in many forums but no one could help me. Years later a girl looking for help read my story in a forum. She had all the same symptoms so she contacted me for help.

We began chatting on facebook. She had only been sick for less than a year and I had spent more than a decade and a half looking for answers, so I had massive knowledge of diseases and illness and offered to help her on her road to recovery, that together we could discover what is wrong with us. Over the past few months we traded over 14,000 messages on facebook and have Skyped a great deal, sometimes up to 14 hours a day. it got to the point that I dedicated my life to helping her and to being a friend. She clearly grew very fond of me and I of her. We became very close. And we could tell each other our most intimate secrets and our most embarrassing issues.

Over time I began to have very strong feelings for her and I got scared. I never in a million years ever thought I could love someone again, but I started falling for her. She began to send mixed signals and sometimes seemed to be trying to tell me she had romantic feelings for me. Even a relative that read some of this agreed that she did perhaps even love me. She was always afraid to tell me something she was very nervous about talking to me about. When she finally came out with it she told me she did not love her husband anymore because he was not ever there and he couldn't deal with her illness. He's never home and he doesn't care at all that she is talking to me, and that she..... then she wouldn't tell me the rest. She started flirting with me sometimes and telling me about her most secret sexual fantasies. I thought for sure she had very strong feelings for me, so I just came out with it and told her for the first time in 10 years I might not be an Asexual and that I had strong feelings for her.

She instantly started telling me about some other guy she once new and she was wanting him. She knew my feelings now and she seemed to revel in telling me all about this other guy. It hurt a lot. I finally thought I had found love and with someone in the same situation as me. It was a rare circumstance of a mutal illness that got us so close. She wants to talk to me all the time. She can't get enough. But I was hurting so much that I was waking up breathing heavy and overwhelmed with passionate love for her. I've never felt such love for anyone in my life and I told her that too. I couldn't sleep, I'd lay there all night halfway between sleep and awake having the most romantic and sensual thoughts about her so intense I had never felt that for anyone before. It was eating me alive, so I told her about that too.

She sometimes would talk very tenderly to me, but then talk about this other guy, wanting advice on how to get him. I finally couldn't take it anymore and told her I couldn't talk to her anymore. She called my cell phone and left a message. She was sobbing a crying so hard begging me to not stop talking to her, "Your all I have, I care so much for you, your hurting me! Please don't abandon me, if I can't have you in my life I don't know if I can go on living!" So I called her and we started talking again. She tried to make me feel bad about it and I apologised. She has then and still now doesn't seem to have compassion about what I am going through, and Ansexual with a long history of heartbreak painfully re-introduced into the world of love. I told her I never wanted to have these feeling for her and that I hated it. That I wanted to find a way to get rid of the feelings and that why I couldn't talk to her anymore. That I knew she could never really love me. And she has in fact never said she loved me.

Since then she seems to flirt with me and she never wants to stop talking. She asks me if I am dealing with my feelings for her and seems to care to listen to me about it. Then one day the feelings just sort of vanished. I told her about it and that I felt free. That my militant Asexual self got control and I buried the feelings and they might never come back again, that it might be too late. She got quite and seemed to sulk just a little. It felt like she was sad about it.(of course later the feelings came flooding back in) Then I said that since I have so much love to give and I needed to find a way to to get it out that I planned to start dating girls who I knew were interested in me. Again she got quite and suddenly wasn't answering me on Skype. She claimed she had fallen asleep and that is why she didn't answer. When I mentioned wanting to find true love and that I knew she would never love me, she sounded kind of jealous, and tried to change the subject.

I told her I posted on facebook that I had officially announced that I was no longer an Asexual and that if there were any interested girls please inbox me. She again got quite and changed the subject. Then tonight I told her that I couldn't talk to her because I was going to be talking to one of these girls on the phone and it might take awhile. Oddly she sent me a message that this guy she had been interested in had wanted to talk to her tonight of all nights. She had told me previously that she had been trying to message him but that he wasn't really responding much and it kind of hurt her feelings. All the sudden the guy is talking to her on the same night that talking to another girl.

Despite the fact that I messaged her to let her know I was on the phone with a perspective date, she tried to call my phone and Skype'd it three times. The message that I sent her had shown as "read" on facebook. Once I was done I messaged her on facebook and she told me that she did speak to the guy and that he said he wanted her. And she seemed to really enjoy telling me this. Almost like she wanted it to hurt me. She still continued to talk about him and I added, "Well that is good news, I'm glad he's finally talking to you and actually wants you. And maybe I can direct these romantic feelings I had for you toward someone who really wants me." That it might be good for both of us and that these romantic, sexual feelings I had been having for her could no longer interfere with out friendship and we could get back to keeping things just friends and I could help her continue of her road to recovery. She never replied and went offline.

So is there any chance for love here? Is she using me just to get comfort because she is sick? Using me because her husband isn't there for her and she just needs someone to care? Does she love me or not? Should I accept that there is nothing there and keep being friends and try to get over her? Should I stop talking to her or what? I'm hurting bad over this. The last time I fell in love was 20 years ago. That ended in a broken heart 10 years ago after that person broke it off with me then years later commited suicide after she was sadly diagnosed with MS . Obviously I don't want this other girl at all. I want her. I fell in love with her through a very rare circumstance that caused both of us to bond. We had something ususual in common in our relative illnesses. Had it not been for this I'd never had fallen in love. And I feel pretty certain I probably never will again. I can only pray she loves me or at least could eventually. I feel certain this is my last chance for true love. Can anyone help me. I'm really hurting here.