Angry Frustrated and confused about my relationship .

[berryclain90]

Amma be grateful for all your replies cus it's gonna save my soul. I am 25 years old soccer player. I have been dating this girl for 2 yrs 3 months now . before I meet this girl she told me she was in a complicated relationship and was gonna end the relationship with the guy asap. We began dating then i traveled out of the country . while I was out of the country she was still with that guy but believe me I never stop loving her. That guy got her engage but she never wore the ring but she instead told me if I wanna marry her I should come back to the country. I've been back in the country for almost 5 months now n believe me she has been with me all time n hasn't seen that guy .i got her engage and she has my ring on her finger now. of late I discovered she has been communicating with that guy via text and phone calls . it got me confuse so I put her down for a t talk. I told her now she got to make her choice if its me or that guy . she shouldn't be sentimental cus I know we not to play with issues of the heart. Instead she told me though she don't love that guy anymore but she can't just end things with the guy cus the guy has never hurt her bla bla bla. She will things with the guy when she get the opportunity or if he caught him cheating . the irony here is this girl has meet my mom likewise the other guys mom. So she talks with ma mom plus the other guy mom. It's really a fairytale true story. I really do love this girl so much but am tired with this kind of relationship. I hate feeling uncomfortable so I wanna get things straight asap. Please guys help me with advice. Tell me what to do. Please am dying and hurting . u can add me on Whatsapp on +237 71 995568. I need advice asap😭😭. Thanks

[PJL]

Hi BerryClain90:
I feel for you and your pain. Here is some wisdom:
If you think you are in pain now, wait until this happens later in your relationship with her. It will.
She is not being honest with you and she is not being honest with herself.
She told you she wasnt texting this man and in fact she was. This woman lied to you and you are engaged. Let me tell you that 95% of women if this had happened to them from a man would dump the man immediately and never speak with him again. I am not a psychologies but there are dysfunctional and toxic elements here that will harm you much more unless you define boundaries of acceptable behavior and enforce them when they are broken. If you allow this behavior of her it sets a precedent that will continue to frame your relationship.

For your own sanity and self respect, break the engagement. Tell her why. Be gentle.

If she was truly in love with you, she would have told the other man it was over. Does this man know about you? Did she give his ring back to him? Why not? What is she holding onto? is she evaluating both men at the same time to know who to choose? She is confused and getting away with unacceptable behavior. Ask yourself if you want these qualities in a woman and this kind of stress in a relationship. Be honest. Now go tell her.

You would benefit greatly from some professional counseling to explore why its OK for you to tolerate this kind of treatment from a woman you love. You wont regret it. Good luck. You will get through this.

PJL

[berryclain90]

Hello PJl.

Thanks for the nice words and the advice . Really appreciated . All what u've said have been on my mind for some time now but i really wanted to be sure about the steps i take . Though i know it will broken me but i guess we need to get rid of unhealthy relationships . After reading from u over and over ( Does this man know about you? Did she give his ring back to him? Why not? What is she holding onto? is she evaluating both men at the same time to know who to choose? ) i really have no choose than to let go . Its either she choose now or i walk away . Really they are more i could tell you but writing them down is a problem . Am really hurt i wont lie but it high time i face the reality . I will still love to explain more to you so that you really tell me the final verdict . Now she claims she loves me more than i do and the other guy loves her more than she loves the guy and his cousin told her never to marry a man that she loves more than the man do . Weird right .

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Dear PLJ,

One more question .at the moment she now with me cus she went to visit her mom in another state . Can i talk to her over phone or i most wait for her to come back . I mean like via whatsapp i can get things straight with her .

[PJL]

BerryClain90:
You can wait or call. It doesn't matter. Realize that I can not tell you what to do. Only you have all the necessary information to know what the best thing to do is. Your present distress is because you have not made a decision. The anxiety will go away once you decide, either way.

She is not acting like an engaged woman. She is still texting and in communication with this man. If he knew that his ring was not being worn by her or that she is now engaged with you, do you think he would still be in her life? No, he would have left. The fact that he is still in communication with her shows that:
1) he doesnt know about you or the engagement with you. Question: So why did she not tell him?
2) He knows she is engaged with someone else and is trying to win her back. Question: Why is she allowing it if she says she loves you more?

Berry, Im sorry but this woman is highly toxic and confused. These are characteristics that she is probably not even aware of. For this reason, they will carry forward into any future relationship she has. This is bad news for any man who is in her life. One axiom of marriage is that if something bothers you in your partner before marriage, it will will bother you 100 times more after the marriage.
She probably cant say goodbye to this man because it hurts to tell another person heartbreaking news. But ultimately, she lied and is lying to you. She is not being honest and open and these are two characteristics of healthy relationships. They are absent between you. I realize you are both young. But it is at this age that these kind of dysfunctions make themselves known so they can be healed in self growth and be gone by the time a person is ready to have a loving trusting honest and emotionally safe relationship. You have none of these qualities in the relationship right now and it WILL NOT improve after marriage with her.

This only addresses her role in this. Please realize you you allowed to get this far. This means there is a complementary dysfunction in your psyche that made it a perfect match for her dysfunction. In other words, unless you find out what is going on inside of you, you will repeat this pattern with a new partner. I would seriously get some relationship counseling for yourself. I wish I had done that at 25.

Before you call her, you would do well to define what you want in a partner and in a relationship. Be very clear and honest with yourself. Ask yourself how you wish to be honored, treated and respected. You need to know what treatment from others is acceptable what is not. You have to establish personal boundaries and tell them to your future partners. Your emotions are already telling you what is not acceptable. Then call whatsapp or wait until you can face to face with her (that is best). In the meantime, wait a few days before contacting her. When emotions run high, decisions and things said to another can make things worse.

Remember she is in pain too. She doesn't know what to do, or how to handle it. She is being honest with no one, not even herself. Still she is trying to have her way with both men. Why? Even she may not know that answer to that. This is why its best to be patient. Marrying too soon often is disaster. If you are meant for each other, there is no rush. The extra time will reveal aspect of yourself and her that you will never regret.

Be strong, you did nothing wrong. You deserve truth and honesty from a life partner who is ready. She is not ready. Truthfully neither are you. Thats OK. All of this drama was necessary for your learning.
Be well,
PJL

[berryclain90]

Hello PJL

You are just an amazing person with bag full of knowledge . Like i said before there is more in this relationship which you need to know . Stuffs i cant even discuss with my sister but still i hadn't find someone reliable and full of knowledge like you I know for sure you can be my counselor and guide me . I am only 25 and i wanna make sure shit like this never happens in my life . Please any means we can chat or communicate easily if you don't mind . Please .

[PJL]

Berry: Every man wants to make "sure as shit" that this kind of pain never happens again. Women too.
I have been in the same similar situation as you. We hope for the best in the girl and it keeps us in turmoil and false hope for far too long. They are who they are. We are who we are. If the timing is right and there is healthy regard and devotion between both people, a relationship can proceed slowly. Your relationship lacks strong and stable foundation, does it not? Of course not.

You know enough to make a decision. You know what you want. You know she does not currently offer that to you. You know she is capable of lying, and breaking agreements. Even after confronting her about your problem with the existence of the other man, she still wants to explain it away and negotiate with you. She wants you to accept this.

She is not ready. She is in contact with two men. She does not decide. She is buying time. She doesnt know what to do.

Berry, you want a woman who is ready to decide, who knows who she wants. And whose words and actions match. Her actions do not show certainty or decisiveness, they show confusion and hesitancy.

Break off the engagement. Tell her why you are doing it. Be honest but gentle. You are doing this because peace of mind is the best investment of all. Your turmoil would remain even after you you got together under these present circumstances. You would never feel secure, never feel trust. Keep the door open but WALK AWAY. Tell her you are walking away and mean it.

this allows you to remain with your dignity intact, your integrity intact and your self respect intact. She will have the reasons you had to go and what was expected of her. Let her find herself. You cant do that for her. Let her learn it on her own, not while she is your wife. Too painful. Always choose less drama, never more. On your end you have to be secure in what you want and what you bring to a relationship. Then its much easier to let go of people who are not in your best interest. Speak your mind to her gently and then get back to us and let us know what happened.
Blessings,
PJL

[katyk]

Hi Berry, your girl is yo-yoing between you both and doesn't sound like she wants to give either of you up to be honest. She is being disrespectful to you both. If you continue to allow her to behave like this, brace yourself for much more hurt in the future. I know it hurts like hell but you are young and a footballer too. Forget about her! Concentrate on your career and you could be playing big time in the future. Trust me, you will have no shortage of attention then ha ha

[berryclain90]

Hello Katyk . So sweet of you . I will do as you say cus its same as what PJL told me . Thanks for your time writing and sending me advices . It really hurt but its worth letting it go . She really is confused .