3 Nov 2014 Update
I am feeling better today, but have been in such a horrible place lately. I found myself looking through internet pages finding information on relationships like my own, like on shrinks4men where they talk about controlling relationships and how you struggle to leave them because that is how they have made you feel.
I can find all sorts of things that look like how I am feeling, and how I got here, but I suppose you can find a little of you in just about everything you are read if you want to.
I have lately found myself wanting my wife and missing her so badly, and have been struggling with how she appears to have moved on in her life so easily without giving me a second thought, making feel worthless and wonder whether I will be able to make it without her. I know what you may be thinking, what a wimp, snap out of it, she’s gone, you have your whole free life ahead of you, and your daughters of course who will see much more of you, and how could I have the feelings I do.
But the pain I am feeling for the loss of what could have been if I had just had a backbone early on, or had not let her or let myself get to this, has almost been too much for me to handle. I do my best to put on a brave face, but I know my wife can see straight through it, she is as sharp as a razor. My family say that I just keep going over the same things, over and over and over, with the what if's, and it's true I do.
She has been smiling a lot lately and making coffee for us to sit down together, wanted to watch movies together (i have declined), bringing coffee and lunch out to me when I working outside in the yard. She does all the housework, dusting, the washing, all the cooking, folding my clothes, and even remaking my bed after I have made it because she likes it neater. She has even changed my sheets from time to time.
All these things she has always done, as she likes the house just as she like it. I have always taken care of the outside and all the maintenance, which I still do. We have always been like this, and we are no different now. In fact, the only thing we don't do now that we did before, is sleep together.
Since we argued, or she shouted down at me a week last Friday, other than going into work last Monday and again today, she has been home the whole time, she hasn't been out over night. She even said to me the other day, that when we had the argument that Friday, she went to stay at her sisters house for the night. Why would she even tell me that, it seems really strange.
I tell you how it feels, it feels like her mind is still in the relationship without me in it, and she doesn't want me to think she is up to anything. I can't work it all out, and it likely to be just more games with my head to keep me off balance, because this is how she rolls, just as I am becoming relaxed to the idea I am coping, she does something or says something that puts me in a spin, before returning to her usual ways like nothing has happened.
I have had lots of thoughts of wanting the relationship back. I have a fear that I won’t be able to get through to the end and I can't even see an end in sight. You see, I know you say not to fall for what seems to be a change in her, and I try not to, but fall for it all the same.
She has made no attempt at all for us to get back together, and I know she sees straight through me. I am just trying to get through each day as best I can.
I told my wife we needed to get another agent in to try to sell the house because the one we have we have little faith in. I told her that we needed to sell it soon, even if it meant we had to take a hit on it, as it wasn't healthy for either of us to live like this. She agreed and we have another agent coming out on Wednesday.
Maybe she is doing the best she can in a very bad situation and just getting on with it. And I know that is the way I should also be looking at it and carrying on, but it seems so much harder for me for some reason.
I likely didn't make much sense in all that, but that's what I am like at the moment.