What's the crack?

[loveSquirrel]

Many years ago, I met a girl who is very special to me. However, after a couple of years of dating, it became clear that she was never really one for settling down. I don’t mean this in the “going out” sense, more so that she preferred her own space and in fact limited time with me. Now she was never, ever that sexual and I am fairly certain that this is not down to me but rather, her as a person. Anyway, to cut a long story short, I broke up with her numerous times as I felt I was giving a lot more in the relationship and what I was receiving. Time after time, she would get back in touch (whether this be weeks, months or more) telling me how much she missed me etc. I would always go back, and nothing would change…I recall us getting intimate once with a year of getting back together. Once again, I decided that this was enough, I moved away. Throughout my time away (this was around three years) I would receive the odd message here and there telling me how much she loved me, if I believed in true love, only for one person. I never responded. Now after moving back home, we did get back in touch. In fact we got back together. The thing is, she still acts in exactly the same way. She states that she’s never been with anyone else (I believe her but it wouldn’t even be an issue if she had) which is probably the case based on how unaffectionate she is. We see each other approximately once a week for a coffee :S She never asks me back to hers (I’d been there once to have a look as she’d recently moved there) and gives no indication of wanting to get close to me. It’s as if she almost hates the thought of me touching her in any way, shape or form, especially when I go to kiss her. What’s more (she’s into fitness by the way), if I suggest that I go away with her on one of her courses she seems completely uncomfortable about it (yet she will go away with a close male friends who she has admitted had told her they love her - she states she is completely uninterested - he's a lot older too). We’ve been away in the past, and there have been brief moments (as in a week or so) where we’ve been really intimate and ‘normal’. I’ve accepted that this is going nowhere and that it was wrong to start going out again. It’s clear she sees me as just some sort of long friend. But, what I can’t understand is why she’s so adamant she loves me and that she misses me and continually seeks me out when I’m away. She has no need for me in her life. What’s the crack?
P.S. If I was reading this, I’d say she had someone else, I do not think this is the case (if it was, at least it’d be understandable). I just don’t get her, is she mentally disabled, is there a name for this?

[pcmaster]

Think the thing is relationship is not worth it. It shouldnt be so hard. You have broken up so many times and thats a red flag. Time to stop this circus. Both persons should invest equaly in relationship. Does she work? It seems like she are used to put no efford in relationships - maybe thats how she was raised when everything was given to her and nothing asked in return.

Forgot her bro. I wonder what is your problem. Why are you attracted to this troubled girl? Do you have low confidence or problems with girls?

[loveSquirrel]

Forgot her bro. I wonder what is your problem. Why are you attracted to this troubled girl? Do you have low confidence or problems with girls?

Thanks for your reply, it is appreciated. Good question, I often ask myself this, I don't have any issues attracting other girls but for whatever underlying reason I love her. Maybe, deep down I think she will change.

Ah well, onwards and upwards!

- - - Updated - - -

Does she work?

Sorry, yes she does (sort of). She spent a lot if time studying medicine, various Sciences at excellent Universities. She is very academically intelligent, but she sort of threw that all away (if you want to call it that) as she likes to focus on her fitness orientated stuff. She sort of works for herself but earns good money doing so. She decided after university that she could never do a traditional, normal hours working job. Probs related in some indirect way, just wanted other people's views as I'm not really upset, angry or anything anymore. It's just always baffled me why she has always wanted me.

[basilandthyme]

She may well love you. But her expectations of what a relationship should look like are different to yours.

[loveSquirrel]

She may well love you. But her expectations of what a relationship should look like are different to yours.

Hmmm...yeah you're probably right. Either that, or she's never loved anyone and I fit the bill for the closest thing to that.

Regardless, it's not sustainable.

[pcmaster]

Well what you wrote about her says she have a pretty high value in your eyes. Thats why you kept coming back like a dog or boomerang. Anyway it seems like she want you only when you gone. Maybe you can be good friends from a distance but not a good couple. Just you two are not suited. Check if your horoskope signs suit. But real problem is what basic said. You have different expectations of how relationship should look like.

You know I been in your place aswell. What helped me move on was this

loveforum.net/the-relationship-news-and-articles/85672-guide-deal-breakup.html

Check also the good videos I looked up for you

Real social dynamics - Julien
youtube.com/watch?v=GdnYedTpToA

How to deal with a bad breakup
youtube.com/watch?v=K8Exlo4E5v8

[loveSquirrel]

Well what you wrote about her says she have a pretty high value in your eyes. Thats why you kept coming back like a dog or boomerang. Anyway it seems like she want you only when you gone. Maybe you can be good friends from a distance but not a good couple. Just you two are not suited. Check if your horoskope signs suit. But real problem is what basic said. You have different expectations of how relationship should look like.

You know I been in your place aswell. What helped me move on was this

loveforum.net/the-relationship-news-and-articles/85672-guide-deal-breakup.html

Check also the good videos I looked up for you

Real social dynamics - Julien
youtube.com/watch?v=GdnYedTpToA

How to deal with a bad breakup
youtube.com/watch?v=K8Exlo4E5v8

Thank you. Well funny enough, she was away the weekend and I sent her a nice message telling her it'd be really nice to spend some time with her sometime this coming week (maybe stop over for the evening).

She replied some time later telling me that me and her getting back together was a mistake and that we need to end it as we're nothing more than friends. I told her that although I appreciate that is what she wants, that she must never contact me again as she's messing with my life. She promptly agreed and told me I had her word.

I suppose this makes it easier. I still, will never understand why over a period of three years she would be so persistent in contacting me and telling me she loves me and only me. Maybe it's narcissism, on reflection this is the most likely issue.

Anyway, thank you for your responses. I'll get over it, I did before and I think she might finally accept that she is to no longer contact me. I hope she finds her happiness.

[katyk]

Hi lovesquirrel,

You are right....you will get over her. Heck relationships are hard enough without all the added confusion. She sounds really mixed up but that is no reason for you to allow her to mix you up! Sometimes we humans love the challenge! You feel you can help but its never good to go into a relationship you have to continually query. Free yourself up to find a girl, less complicated!

[TablesandChairs]

She might have Asperger's? Who knows, either way life is too short to be in the type of relationship that loses certainty by the minute. I think you've wasted enough of your time so hopefully she keeps true to her word but if she doesn't - learn to ignore her out-of-the-blue 'I want you back' crap because it's actually stopping you from finding someone else who is not going to be such a clusterf*ck of contradictions.

[loveSquirrel]

Hi lovesquirrel,

You are right....you will get over her. Heck relationships are hard enough without all the added confusion. She sounds really mixed up but that is no reason for you to allow her to mix you up! Sometimes we humans love the challenge! You feel you can help but its never good to go into a relationship you have to continually query. Free yourself up to find a girl, less complicated!

Thank you katyk. You are so right.

- - - Updated - - -

it's actually stopping you from finding someone else who is not going to be such a clusterf*ck of contradictions.

Ha ha! This made me laugh. It's so true.

I'm disappointed in myself for falling for it all, again. I've never posted on one of these types of forums before but it really does make you feel better to know it's not actually you. On the front of it all, to anyone who had just met her, they'd think she was a really nice, pleasant person. Deep down, she has no empathy or concern how she treats other people. I suppose I posted on here to try and find out if this was some sort of condition or if there was a name for it. I accept that she will never change and that I've been silly. It's more a curiosity thing. I think as katyk said, she's simply messed up. She probably changes on a day by day basis on what she wants. If anyone else find themselves in a similar situation to me, get out while you can!