Leveling the playing fields (Sexual history)

[STNR77]

Hello all,

I'm a 20 year old (male). And I think I found my wife. Bar one thing.

Since I lost my virginity to my girlfriend (whom I love dearly), one fact has been gnawing and eating away at me ever since. She had lost her virginity to someone else.

Now, to fill you in on the situation as well as spare you the boring details, my girlfriend and I are in love and to we both admit to never have been so connected to another human being before. And she does regret having given her virginity to someone else.

I still feel hard done by. In my mind, not only does she have more experience than me but she also has untainted experiences with me. I however, am always going to be the guy who got there second. And to make things even more pathetic, I can't ever catch up to her.

How I found out.

We had been together for a few weeks (we knew each other for five years and went out in high school) and in the heat of the moment, one thing led to the other. She paused and asked me two questions. "1. When last did you do it?" and "2. How many people?" Keep in mind that up until that point, I thought I was about to take her virginity as well as give her mine and that we were made for each other (yada yada blah blah) and I cannot begin to describe how broken I felt when she said she did it many times with one guy. I tell you it was like all my values went to nothing.

Naturally I lied and went for the safe number of two (people), and proceedings continued.

A few months down the line I couldn't take the emotional battery that this gave me and I confessed that I was a virgin (to her amazement) and how I felt given that she had lost it. I didn't accuse, I simply stated how I felt insecure and that it is slightly intimidating. She gave me the "I never even thought of it like that" line and we continued for a while. I still feel as if I was handed the sour end of the deal.

I feel as if it is unfair that she gets to say that she is (and possibly will ever be) the only person I ever slept with and that I have to accept her decisions as her past. I feel as if this is the sole reason I cannot fully let myself love her completely. I feel as if I'm owed something.

I know that since she told me, I love her less now. I see her as damaged (sometimes, not always) and moments like these creep in when I wonder whether or not sleeping with someone else would solve my problem and that in some twisted way would allow me to look past her past.

I think that my situation differs from that of others and would really like to know one thing.

Will cheating on my partner, allow me to get off my high horse?

[Wakeup]

Get help for your rhetrograde jealousy and putrid double standard. You knew she wasn't a virgin yet you went ahead and plunked your spelunker right inside that "used" vee-jay.

Sad thing is... you're the one that's acting like a cunt now.

[STNR77]

Get help for your rhetrograde jealousy and putrid double standard. You knew she wasn't a virgin yet you went ahead and plunked your spelunker right inside that "used" vee-jay.

Sad thing is... you're the one that's acting like a cunt now.

Thanks for the reply. I don't think the message got through to you, and you thought insulting me would cover your bases and make yourself some friends in the forum?

In response. I don't see how I've got the double standard.. Could you explain?

I am here for that purpose, to get help. I've googled countless times and nothing seems to fit my description. Hence I am here.

I love her, a little less now, but still do. (Is this normal in people who have had this happen to them?) It pains me every time I fall into that dark place. I've spoken honestly to her, many times about this and I still feel as if I'm giving up a great deal for this relationship.

I can't count how often I have to gain her trust and assure her that I'm not the (and I think this is where the word becomes more fitting) CUNT who took her virginity without any intention of staying in a long term relationship. I am accused of it (and treated as if I was responsible) and I know that she can't help it. She now has this defense mechanism which I have to override each time I want to engage in intimacy with someone who has all of me.

I essentially have less than all.

Back then I had chances (many) to lose it, but felt I was with people whom I had no future with. So I didn't want to be the douche who smashed and dashed. ("How noble.")

Could you imagine how I feel right now?

Please keep responding

[vashti]

I have seen your exact scenario posted more than once in this forum, so it makes me think you might be trolling, but in the unlikely event that you are serious, I do not think you are ready for a serious relationship. You need to spend some time on your own, just growing up, so you can learn to appreciate the value of a real connection to another human being.

[STNR77]

I have seen your exact scenario posted more than once in this forum, so it makes me think you might be trolling, but in the unlikely event that you are serious, I do not think you are ready for a serious relationship. You need to spend some time on your own, just growing up, so you can learn to appreciate the value of a real connection to another human being.

I'm completely serious. I feel that my mindset right now is tainting my view of her. I don't understand this need for throwing dirt. I'm an honest man, trying to understand what it is that I'm going through. I do appreciate the reply.

My worry is that I will never fully forgive her for this.
And I have tried the honesty route. With very little closure attained. I've spoken to her about it, how I feel, and it damages my pride substantially each time. Especially when arguments arise and I notice that the root cause has nothing to do with me. I've done the talking thing.

This is desperation now. My high-horse is stopping a very good thing, I feel.

(Please can you forward a link to that thread? )

Is it unnatural to feel as if I'm owed something?


Please answers now without this needless mud slinging.

[Wakeup]

Google "Retrograde Jealousy" and read what it is you're going through. In fact, here's a link to some guy (can't vouch for his credibility) but he claims to have had what you suffer from and he's figured out a way to overcome his OCD (and cunty ) thinking re: used vagina.

Anyway... why are you not just leaving her and going out and having your way with anyone that will have you? Why are you staying with her and torturing one another with your perspective baggage? That's not "love" that's codependency... google that too.

[url=http://www.retroactivejealousy.com/what-is-rj/]What is Retroactive Jealousy? - Overcoming Retroactive Jealousy[/url]

[dontaskme]

Hey man, you're only 20 years old... chances are, you're not going to end up marrying this girl and will have plenty of time to screw more girls before settling down, so why not enjoy what you have for now and quit worrying about how many times your girlfriend had sex before you.

[TablesandChairs]

You have a fragile ego and as such, you're not ready to commit. Break up with her and go sleep with a few other women.

[Wakeup]

I can't count how often I have to gain her trust and assure her that I'm not the (and I think this is where the word becomes more fitting) CUNT who took her virginity without any intention of staying in a long term relationship. I am accused of it

No offence but BTW (just to point something out to you)... it's quite understandable why she would have this fear when you're on and on about her past and making her feel threatened that you'll leave her because she wasn't a virgin. Like I said, you knew she had other partners before you and instead of letting her go so you could do casual sex with girls that wanted only that, you became her boyfriend, schtuuped her and then you complain that you weren't the first. If that's not fkd up then I don't know what is.

I'm blunt but that's because I see this for what it really is and you don't like hearing that you are the author of your own misfortune and the catalyst to your g/f's accusations.

You'd do well to get your thought process off of the OCD thinking that she's somehow responsible for your need to splunk the spelunker into more women because she has been with more men and just own up to your current NEED to sample more goods then just one. Sadly your current g/f had to be your first. To bad you didn't find some older women with issues who only wanted a younger buck for a fling to take your v-card instead of someone looking for a serious boyfriend.

Try being honest with yourself and you will find it easier to just tell her YOUR truth and let her get on with her life finding someone more compatible to her.