Is deep, yearning love still a thing at 30?

[Pupil]

Ended a year-long relationship a couple weeks back. It's our one year tomorrow, actually...

I can't say enough good things about her or the relationship. We saw each other regularly, did tons (including travel) and never fought. She made me a better person. She nurtured my inner child. Our chemistry was great. Only, my heart never lit up. I hated the thought of her being unhappy, but I scarcely missed her when we were apart, and I often craved space - and other women.

The road ahead looks a lot like the one I was on before we met - dating, sex, disillusionment - but I just couldn't put on the happy face any longer.

This wasn't the first time I needed a "break". But I knew I couldn't put her through this again...

The last time I really fell in love was in my early 20s. It was rapturous, painful, and when we got together things were simple. My loins didn't wander.

I'm a lot older and more experienced now, but relationships feel so much more cerebral. I know the woman I let go of was an almost perfect partner...but I felt very little.

Did I mess up, or was I just not in love? I can't even decide if I should be hard on myself or more sympathetic. I caused her a lot of pain.

[Wakeup]

I think you should just follow your loins and find women who also have that loiny-type urge but little to no "urge" to be in a relationship of any commitment.

I think that chick you fell in love with in your 20's really did a number on your ability to fall vulnerable (which leads to falling in love) to anyone after her.

[Pupil]

I think you should just follow your loins and find women who also have that loiny-type urge but little to no "urge" to be in a relationship of any commitment.

I think that chick you fell in love with in your 20's really did a number on your ability to fall vulnerable (which leads to falling in love) to anyone after her.

I was torn in this relationship between that "loiny" feeling and the desire to become vulnerable. But the more time passed, the more I became convinced that it (becoming vulnerable) wasn't going to happen.

I know that acting on my base impulses won't solve a thing. It didn't in the past. So how do I move forward? It's been years now.

[Wakeup]

Stop trying to form relationships with anyone. You're hurting women when you basically just go through the motions that make them think you love them and then turn around and break their heart when you can't.

Do you actually want to settle down with someone, have babies, only leave one another due to death? What are your dating goals?

[Pupil]

Stop trying to form relationships with anyone. You're hurting women when you basically just go through the motions that make them think you love them and then turn around and break their heart when you can't.

Do you actually want to settle down with someone, have babies, only leave one another due to death? What are your dating goals?

I'd like to be in a committed relationship. At 30 yes, I feel ready to settle down. I have a career and want to support a family.

Before I met the woman I'm referring to, I cut a lot of relationships very short - precisely because I didn't want to build expectations. When I met this one, I knew I had someone special - so I gave it time. I thought my emotions would grow, but they didn't.

It's strange. I felt - and still feel - a kind of inverse love for her. It's not a positive emotion, in the sense that I missed her and thought about her always. But I cared for her deeply. Even when I wanted space I gave her my time because I knew it made her happy, and that inspired me. I cared about her the way one cares about a best friend...

[TablesandChairs]

As we mature, we look for more than just fireworks - usually because we've learned from mistakes. So, it depends - not everyone who ticks our practical boxes will be a match - there's attraction, there's 'clicking' with someone, missing them, feeling anxious at the prospect of losing them, wanting to spend every free moment with them...all these things occur when you're in love regardless of age. You can't force it; it's one of those stupidly nonsensical things - we might find someone who ticks all the boxes yet what we feel is friendship at best. And on the flip side, we might find ourselves infatuated with someone we know is going to be a basket case of neuroses. You can't really trade one for the other in hope that the bit that is lacking will materialise out of thin air; it's not fair to either party.

Of course, there's the danger of living in fantasy land; trying to recreate something you felt at, say, age 18 - when you were a very different person. Throwing away this 'perfect' woman because you've become disenchanted with not feeling like a love-struck teenager is probably silly but if you weren't feeling it, that's a good enough reason.

[woody]

She may be a lovely person and the two of you got along well by the sounds of it. But if your not feeling 'it' where it counts for 'lifetimer partners' then you don't.
but as the one above me is saying, what are your expectations? To re create your youth in some way? because that can't happen. Your older now. Wiser.

But in my opinion, when one does meet a true match, everything gets involved, the mind, the heart, all of it. And you'll just know; there will be no doubt.

You did the right thing letting this lady go. She sounds good so dragging her along when your hearts not into it wouldn't bode well for either of you so yeah, good on you for manning up.

Love gets better with age. When you know you know and that'll be that.

[Wakeup]

I'd like to be in a committed relationship. At 30 yes, I feel ready to settle down. I have a career and want to support a family.

Before I met the woman I'm referring to, I cut a lot of relationships very short - precisely because I didn't want to build expectations. When I met this one, I knew I had someone special - so I gave it time. I thought my emotions would grow, but they didn't.

It's strange. I felt - and still feel - a kind of inverse love for her. It's not a positive emotion, in the sense that I missed her and thought about her always. But I cared for her deeply. Even when I wanted space I gave her my time because I knew it made her happy, and that inspired me. I cared about her the way one cares about a best friend...

Did you feel the way one cares for a best friend from the beginning or, in the beginning was there lust and infatuation that turned to what you refer to as best friend love? I ask because that lust and infatuation period in the beginning never stays as intense as it does in the initial stages. That new relationship energy wanes and that is when you feel that calm love for one another that you hope will last a lifetime.

So what was the dynamic of your relationship in the beginning?

[Pupil]

I thank all of you, especially you, tablesandchairs and woody. Your words resonate with me and confirm - serenely, without involvement - the direction my heart took me.

Of course, I will continue to wrestle with this mentally, because in my mind she was perfect. But I will have to let my emotions guide...and if somehow I untie a knot that leads me back to her, then so be it.

Today I had her one-year present professionally wrapped. I was certain I would deliver it to her, if only to express my gratitude for the joy and maturation she brought to my life. But when it was all said and done I drove home and stored it away...maybe Christmas. She deserves this space right now.

[dontaskme]

By the tone of your post, you sound like you're regretting your decision to break up with her?

[Pupil]

By the tone of your post, you sound like you're regretting your decision to break up with her?

Sure. I miss her. I doubt I'll find another woman more willing to put up with my nonsense, and love me for who I am. But that doesn't change how I felt, and how I'll likely feel if we get back together.

[michelle23]

I remember reading somewhere that people can mess up their bonding hormones by playing the field.. maybe thats why you found it easier to commit at 20 then you do now at 30 coz back then you wern't sleeping around.

maybe you are lacking in those hormones vasopressin, oxytocin, maybe your dopamine levels are confused or perhaps you have an imbalance in testosterone..

New research shows that people who are emotionally unavailable and find it difficult to commit to one person could have these hormonal imbalances. Or they could damage their own bonding hormones by playing the field or an over-use of porn.

Dopamine is designed to make us addicted to one long term partner but abuse of the hormone through drugs or other addictive substances or too many sexual partners can confuse the hormone