Long distance and uncertainty

[mynes]

Dear all--

This is the first thread I post in this forum because only now I realized the only way to make sense of my feelings might be to write them down and ask for advice.

For about a year and a half, I have been struggling with a long distance sort-of-relationship. I wish it was a relationship, but neither of us wants to commit given the lack of a "light at the end of the tunnel". Let me explain: we first met briefly at a conference, and then later we met abroad, by chance, when both of us were traveling for work. At that time, we spent about 36h wonderful hours together -- until we had to say good-bye not knowing when we'd be able to see each other next. I was devastated and infatuated; I hoped and prayed that we'd be together again soon.

And we got together again five more times over the last 18 months, amounting to about 20 days together. 20 days are so little, and, although every time we're about to meet I feel like I'll get whatever answer or comfort I need about this sort-of-relationship, after we say good-bye I'm once again left in despair and sorrow. We're both in the US, but we live across the country from each other. He's extremely sweet when he's with me, but we're not always in touch; I know very little about his day-to-day life, and he doesn't know much about mine. For some reason, though, we both look forward to spending time together, and, when we do, the two of us seem to be all that exist in the world. And then, again, once we both go back to our cities and normal lives, I'm hopeless and sad.

Being with him has never given me any certainty about the future. Every time we talk, it looks like there's no way for us to be together in the foreseeable future -- he's not moving out of his hometown, and I'm not moving there (for a number of reasons). And yet, the few times I've tried to tell him we should try and move on with our lives and stop making major efforts to spend two days together when we have no perspective, he's said "I'd rather have this than not have you at all". He says we should continue seeing each other whenever possible and see what happens. But what is actually likely to happen?

I'm known for being a happy/bubbly/optimistic person; still, ever since I got involved with this guy, I've felt overwhelmed with uncertainty and ungrateful for things in my life I'd usually appreciate to the fullest. I often find myself undervaluing my job, the city I live in, my house, my circle of friends, all because being near them will always mean I'm still far away from him. I hold on to any tiny bit of hope he gives me, I dream about him with my eyes open, I find it impossible to fall in love with anybody else. After the little time we spend together, my heart is shattered and I cry for hours and days. This is a feeling that's been hurting me beyond measure; at times I know I should get over him, but then I think of him, his eyes, the moments we've had and the way we are together, and I realize I don't want to lose him. It's like an addiction -- I crave him, I get my fix, and then I'm left unhappy and needing more.

I don't know what to do. I don't even know if this post makes much sense -- it's SO hard for me to make sense of it all myself. The thought of him runs through my head constantly; I've lost the ability to enjoy life the way I used to. I fear I'm scarred for life; I fear that, if we ever stop seeing each other, no one will compare to him. I've tried living a normal life and dating other people, but nothing comes close to making me fall in love again. I'm confused and I know what I'm feeling isn't healthy, but I can't find the strength to change.

If you have any advice at all, please let me know.

[Joanna_L]

oh my gosh! It sounds like you really really desperately like him and you're totally infatuated.
don't worry honey this post does make sense.
I think it's worth giving it a shot,you both seem to like each other so much.
even if it doesn't work out in the end,it's always better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
now- you have to both figure out how this can work?
(btw are you both officially girlfriend and boyfriend?)
can't you get a place together? not his hometown,somewhere different.

[dontaskme]

What's the reason why you can't move? What about him? Is he married? How old are both of you?

[fearoflove]

Whether it would work depends on the persons involved. Why are you making the assumption that there is no light at the end of the tunnel? Seems more like neither of you want to commit to being with each other. If you both really want to be with each other and is "in love", then sacrifice would have to be made to move towards that goal. I have personally been in a long distance relationship similar to yours as in I have not dated the guy locally prior to the long distance relationship. Looking back, among all the confusion (people saying long distance relationship won't work and others saying it can , etc), I can conclude that it could have worked IF and only if both persons involved are willing to make sacrifices and plans to be together. Waiting to see what would happen and keep dating without any solid plans would just be wasting your time and his. And I can say its wasting time because you are spending time with someone who isn't all that special because there isn't any full commitment. Full commitment means that two people are making concrete plans to pursue that "light at the end of the tunnel. Don't be delusional and don't be fooled by his excuses or romanticism of "its better to be loved than never loved at all" thing. If two people really want to be with each other, they won't make any excuses.

[mynes]

fearoflove, Joanna_L and dontaskme,

Thank you so much for your replies! They really mean a lot to me, and I hadn’t imagined how much support and advice I’d get in this forum!

You’re all right – he and I are both guilty for not trying hard enough to make this relationship work.
I haven’t seen him since my first post, which means my infatuation has “calmed down” a bit and I can better explain what the situation is.
Neither of us he’s married; in fact, I think he might have fear of commitment! That’s just an impression I have. I’m 21 and he’s 30. I’m not moving at this point because I’m on a work visa and I could only move if I found another employer to sponsor me (and in any case I only started my job 5 months ago and have enjoyed it thus far. When I met him I was still in college). He’s not moving because he loves his job and does not seem to want to be far away from his family (he currently lives in his hometown).
We’re not in a committed relationship. We’re in what I describe as a long-distance-open-relationship!...

A few things I’ve considered to avoid suffering too much are:
How much effort is he actually willing to make in order for us to end up together?
How much effort am I actually willing to make? What type of confirmation from him do I need in order to get out of my comfort zone and fight harder?
Why doesn’t he try to make concrete plans? Does he provide me with the emotional support I need?
Why have we been doing this for a year and a half and he’s still single? Does he like me that much, or does he simply struggle to commit?

About 15 days have passed since we last saw each other and we’re Skyping tomorrow for the first time. I don’t know what the conversation will be about – I assume he will suggest that I go visit him sometime soon. And if I try to say it might not be worth it without actually making plans, he will say again that “he’d rather have this that not have me at all”.

If the question isn’t “how do we make this work?” anymore, but rather “should I move on?”, what do you guys suggest?