Can I ever trust my much younger mistress??

[stage wrong]

This is a story about me 45 year old man and my 22 year old girlfriend Hellen. But first i need to give you some background

I am a 45 year old successful business owner who married my 21 year old girlfriend when I was 19 years old and have been unhappily married ever since. I was young and she was pretty and she was a classmate of mine and in need of a green card and it seemed like such a simple sacrifice for me. I never thought past next week let alone forever back then. I never dreamed that this one simple act would become a lifetime sentence for me. I worked my way through school and she turned into a very very very abusive alcoholic. I should have left but as crazy as it sounds, I never felt I could. Then 11 years ago we had a set of boy girl twins and then a year later a boy. She stopped drinking a few years ago and started taking anti-depressant medications and has converted from the DEVIL into a very nice person. Maybe I should not hate her like I do, but I do. Only now I don't have her abusive and outrageous behavior to blame. We manage to get along well. I have built a successful business and we have the thee children whom I adore.

About 18 months ago I met a 21 year old college student Hellen at a business conference and I was immediately smitten. Throughout my marriage I had always been faithful to my wife and never set out to be a cheater. I began by just befriending this woman. She was attracted to older guys. Not old men but older guys who were smart and successful. She had dated men my age at the time I was 43. I must admit that my ego was in overdrive at the thought of a young beautiful woman who did not appear to be after my money per se, being attracted to me. I am a very fit guy so yes I get attention, but this girl was different. So we exchanged numbers and had lunch, then another lunch then breakfasts, then she wanted to learn ho to surf and I taught her to surf then we became lovers.

At first it was great. Her sex drive was like none I had ever experienced. She was fun and smart and ambitious and could hold long conversations about things that I was interested in. It was really a friendship that included sex, and it went on like this for months. Until one day I woke up and realized I was in love with her. We had always agreed that our relationship was only a friends with benefits no strings attached relationship. I was married and while not happily married, I love watching my kids grow up every day and that in of itself was worth sacrificing my happiness to stay married. I kept my feelings a dark secret then one day in bed she tells me "I know we promised not to fall in love, but I am in love with you and I believe you are in love with me too. I know you wont leave your wife because your kids are so small, but they are not always going to be so young." I told her that she was right, I had fallen in love with her and someday when my kids were older I would leave my wife and her and I could be together.

Shortly after this she started to act jealous of my wife; this was probably 6 months into the relationship. Then she started to put real pressure on me to leave my wife. I loved her, but I was not ready to leave my wife of 25 years. I would be ready eventually but right now the kids were young and I was just not ready. She got upset with me and broke up with me and immediately jumped in bed with another man then a week later she called me up and wanted to get back together. She told me about the other man, that she was mad and jealous so she wanted to find someone to help her get over me but after a week she missed me too much.

So i took her back then a few months passed and she goes to visit her grandparents in Ecuador for 2 weeks. When she returns everything is going well then some fight starts about my wife. I don't remember what the fight was about but she gets mad at me and tells me that while in Ecuador she hooked up with some stranger she met at a club one time and another stranger at the hotel another time. I was completely shocked. I could not believe that she not only did this, but that she was telling me in an obvious attempt to hurt me. When I got upset she said "You don't have any right to be upset, you are married. You sleep in bed with your wife every night and I'm faithful and loyal to you, if you are not going to leave your wife, then I am not going to feel so compelled to be loyal to you" This made me so mad because she was right yet I still felt so betrayed.

We dated for a few months and things were going well then once again we got into a fight over my wife and she broke up with me and within a week was sleeping with some other man who was my age, and on my economic level, and like me was a bodybuilder but even in better shape than me which not only hurt my heart, but was a dagger to my ego. I knew it was purposeful and she admitted that she was just trying to make me realize what I was going to lose. Well this time I broke up with her and that was 6 months ago. I understood what she was trying to do and I get that she did not like the dude and she is not with the dude, but it was so over the top and mean. I felt I could not trust her again.

My wife and I have since separated and I am single now. I want to reach out to Hellen so badly because I do love her and I do miss her. My fear is this: Can this woman be trusted? Yes I cheated on my wife but I was terribly unhappy and I was faithful for 24 years. I feel I did something ethically wrong, but I don't feel I have bad character. Does Hellen have bad Character? or was she playing fair with me and her behavior is no indication of how she would act if I was giving her what she needed which was some feeling of security? She was young an young people do dumb things, but the way she told me about what she did was in such a mean and hurtful way. Can I trust her not to hurt me when I'm 63 and she is only 40? My heart really aches for this woman and she messages me often so I know if I said the word, we would be back together. love her but I don't fully trust her but is that mistrust misplaced??

[breathe123]

Such a long story, off your title alone without reading your story I would say why do you need to trust her, she is a mistress, she can be with other men, like you are with her outside your marriage, what is good for you to do should be good for her to do & if don't like you can't trust then go separate ways.

When you don't do right by others do not expect right to be done to you either, expect you get what you give out & if not happy with cards dealt make changes in your situations.

Why didn't you divorce your wife if so miserable?

[moonchildkitty]

TCan I trust her not to hurt me when I'm 63 and she is only 40? My heart really aches for this woman and she messages me often so I know if I said the word, we would be back together. love her but I don't fully trust her but is that mistrust misplaced??

No you cannot trust her, and here is why.

First off you are currently still in the 'sweet spot' zone for men, but this too shall pass. Like sorry, but its right around the corner, don't fool yourself. Sorry for the ego burst.

Second... Like most younger women who date older men who are successful, well they are looking for security and possibly a little more experience in the bedroom than men their own age. Sure you can provide that now, and probably will in a few more years to come but lets get real here, women also want what they cannot have, especially selfish young women who feel entitled. So ya, your appeal might not be so appealing anymore as you age. My guess is if she goes back to you she will be gone within 6 months and will have left you for someone richer and hotter.

Thirdly... When she is 40 and you are 63, she will not be looking to wipe the drool off your chin when you are sick and aging, but will be revving up her cougar self by that point, and be out on the prowl for someone younger, hotter, who can make her feel young again too. Sound familiar cheating husband?? The same shall come your way so be prepared. Karma really is a bitch.

And last but not least..... She is still young with a whole life ahead of her. She is not even a grown woman yet and has no idea what she wants. Even if she says she does at this point, she does not have a clue. Who were you when you were that age. As you stated, you were not looking past the 2 week mark, do you really think she is any different. I hear of soooo many men who leave their wives of many years for younger women who revilatlize their inner cores and make them feel young and amazing... ahhhh... life is good!! Until the day they dump your asses and by that time you have reached an age then guess what, you just are not relevant anymore. Find someone who truly loves you for who you are, who can understand you, and not just for what you can provide. Your senior years are right around the corner, do you really think someone with that sort of age diff will understand what you deal with in later days, or will want to stick around for it??? Uh no sorry, she has better things to do she is still young!!! Especially some entitled selfish slutty golddigger that will cheat with a married man. Ya, good luck with all that.

[dontaskme]

What's good for the gander should be good for the goose. Don't even for a second play the good guy here cause you're not. You strung your wife for a long time in an unhappy marriage, then you cheated on her.

You should have let her go while you were fukcing a young gold digger twat who had nothing to offer but sex in exchange for a comfortable life with an old turd like you!

Anyway, you should call her because you deserve each other and yes, she will leave you high and dry once you have no longer anything to offer her and you become a wrinkly old dude.

[stage wrong]

I can tell I touched a nerve with the way some of you responded. Try to focus on the core question for me which is "can this girl be trusted". Don't allow your experience or your heartbreak cloud that one question. To give me effective advice on this one issue you must look past the fact that I cheated or that I dserve this or that I should have left my wife long ago.

Yes, all of that may be true. I made a mistake by staying with an abusive alchoholic. And if I were a woman telling you of how I stayed with my alchoholic husband who physically assaulted me and mentally and emotionally abused me for 25 Years and then fell in love with another man and ultimately left the abuser, YOU WOULD ALL APPLAUD ME AND YOU KNOW IT!!

So don't get caught up on the fact I'm a cheater and you have been cheated on and that pisses you off. Instead take a look at Hellen and tell me if this behavior is a sign of a charecter flaw that I should run from or is what hellen did reasonable and I have no right to feel betrayed by her so many times.

I am looking for real insight that I just don't have and I need your help. Please

Mike

[dontaskme]

We already answered your question. She's a gold digging, immature twat who will only use you while she could and leave you high and dry once she finds someone more suitable to exploit. She's nothing but a cold calculating bitch.

BTW, I'm in my twenties and making a six figure salary and never did it cross my mind to go out with someone who is 23 years older, never mind the fact that the guy can also be still married.

Still doesn't discount the reality that you were an asshole to your wife. No matter what she did wrong, you should have left her a long time ago. You did her no favor by staying in a loveless marriage, so in my book, still remains that you're NO angel. And you are wrong in your assumptions by the way, most women who are intelligent enough wouldn't stay in a loveless, abusive marriage for the sake of the kids. God knows you are doing more harm than good!

- - - Updated - - -

Just in case you still don't get it, how many men did she use and slept with to try to get over you (if that's even true)or get back at you to get even? At your age, you don't think that that is a character flaw?

She's a manipulative cunt now and she will be the same in the very near and distant future.

[stage wrong]

Thank you dontaskme for taking the time to respond. I appreciate it. My guess is that given your six figure salary and lack of empathy, you are a lawyer :-)

Life is too short to be so bitter. It took me too long to realize that. Just a piece of free advice because I mean it when I say I apprecI ate your candid advice.

We often ask questions when we already know the answer but wish it were different.

Thanks again.

Mike

[michelle23]

Op the first thing that comes to my mind is "what is wrong with YOU that you seek someone much younger, much more immature, on a different level emotionally, financially, intellectually, career wise, in terms of life experience"..

I understand that your confidence and self worth is low after years of a dysfunctional unhappy marriage and this young thing probably gives you an ego boost and makes you feel young but no emotionally mature, rational man your age would go out with someone young enough to be his daughter. And no emotionally stable, independant, successful young woman would dream of going out with someone old enough to be her dad.

You are both dysfunctional, this relationship has started out on a rocky foundation, with your cheating, lying, bouncing back and forth and her constant drama. She is just after your money, it is obvious due to the fact that the other man she was with right after you is in the same financial position as you. So no, you cannot trust her.

Another question? Why did you choose to stay so unhappily married for so long? Why only leave your wife when you had lined up somebody else? This speaks volumes and shows that you fear being alone and are willing to settle for second best

You can either keep repeating old patterns and making the same mistakes or you can seek help via counselling to try and fix what is broken within you and finally find some peace and happieness with a new woman that you do trust. Its time to cut this one loose

Good luck

[stage wrong]

Michelle23 you are right on much of what you say. But I never set out to fall in love with this much younger woman. I was dumb for ever going out with her yes and yes she fed my ego a bit and yes the thought of having sex with a young woman was something I was too weak to pass up. All if this is true but the facts are the facts. I am a very successfull guy who has managed to get over my dysfunctional marriage. I give to charity, I help little old ladies cross the street, I am not a bad person
I am however a man who has fallen in love with a woman and I am humbly asking for very specific advice about trusting her.

I get it that you don't approve of what I have done. I get it. I was the best man at my gay friends wedding too I'm sure half of you won't approve of that either but neither one has anything to do with my question.

If this woman was 37 and did what she did, could she be trusted or is what she did an indication that she is going to hurt me again even if I were to give her the exclussive security that she was lacking when she was the mistress.

Come on, can you ladies not be so judgemental? I get your disapproval.

But thanks for taking the time to help. I do appreciate it.

Mike

[michelle23]

I am not being judgemental. I have not judged you once. I already said you cannot trust her. I answered your question.

And i have a gay friend too by the way lol

[stage wrong]

Michelle23 I reread your post and yes you did tell me I can't trust her. I stand corrected. Thanks :-)

So I have a second question for you. As I said before, I have now been separated for 6 months and I have dated several woman during this six months. I have dated a couple woman close to my age and I have dated a few woman closer to half my age. I am far more attracted to the woman closer to half my age. Not just physically attracted but I enjoy my conversations with a smart, educated, ambitious 26 year old far more than I enjoy a conversation with a smart, educated, ambitious 46 year old. I find woman my age somewhat boring. They all are divorced and jaded and cynical. Maybe it's my ultra optimistic entrepreneurial spirit, but I like high energy, creative dreamers. Not pragmatic old ladies. (I mean old ladis as a personality there are old men my age too). Ok so the question is this: how young is too young for a man who is 45? Is it half my age plus 7? Half my age plus 5? Half my age plus 20? What is the age where I am not seen as some jerk just trying to feed my ego?

Actually, anyone may answer this question I am curious what people think.

Mike

[Wakeup]

This woman you want to be with, Op sounds like a sexually transmitted disease waiting to happen. Do you honestly think she's capable of monogamy? pfft.

You should think with your head that holds your brain instead of the on you hold in your hand when you pee.

They all are divorced and jaded and cynical.

Oddly enough... just like you.

[pcmaster]

I think you can sleep with any age women as long as its legal. I mean you are not using force right so as long as you can keep them attracted everything is fair. You risk even more than those young girls because once you fall in love you dont fall out of it so fast as they do. Maybe you are older but you might have more money and they are young and energetic so everyone brings something to table. As long as both sides gets what they want its not using.

[basilandthyme]

Stage Wrong, I'm 47 - so your age. You could probably get one of your high energy dreamers. It seems that there are a number of young women who fall for what you're offering. However, with time and life experience, those high energy dreamers will become pragmatic. And where will this leave you?

Call me a pragmatic older woman, but pragmatism comes along with witnessing and experiencing life. And one of the the things I've witnessed is the fact that young women full of youthful dreams can be attracted to older men with youthful dreams. But then the women outgrow the men and end up resenting the very thing which attracted them in the first place.

As for being seen as a guy feeding his ego....why do you care what other people think?

[shortyrock]

I'm in my mid twenties and my "cap" would be 50.